Faith and Discomfort
As my readers know, I’m going through a tough time right now. Being out of work for 6 months (tomorrow) is very difficult.
I have often heard people make statements about people going through difficult times (unemployment, death in the family, personal health problems) along the lines of “he/she has his/her faith to comfort him/her”. Or people speak about how their faith has been a comfort to them, creating a feeling of peace.
I don’t get that. I can’t think of a single experience when my life was difficult where my faith was a comfort to me. I can think of several happy times where I’ve felt something akin to “God in the room” and once akin to “God in my heart”. But those have never been difficult times. When life gets tough for me, it seems like God is absent.
For me, faith has always been more of a discomfort. I’m Presbyterian, and like all Reformed people I believe that we are not as good as we can be and must always strive to better ourselves. For me, faith is part of what pushes me to be a better person. Faith is a Discomfort. Faith is a way to push me off of my comfortable pattern of behavior in order to better myself or help others more. I’ll never be perfect. Faith pushes me to be better.
My pastor did a sermon on this that clearly stuck with me as I remember it over 2 years later: The Discomforter
That’s great while things are good. When things are bad, faith is still pushing me to improve. At that point I’m in a more fragile state – needing to be reminded that I am good. And my faith is telling me otherwise – that I can be better. The conclusion that is easy to draw is that my lack of perfection (or distance from perfection) is the reason for what happened to me. This is particularly true in work-related trouble – it’s easier to take a pass on personal reponsibility with a bad situation in a family member or a health situation.
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So for me, faith is more of a discomfort.
There is one exception. When life gets me down, the people who help me the most (aside from Carolyn) are church people. They do their best to understand what is happening with me, and to try to keep up with my life even though that might involve hearing unwanted bad news. Church people will pray for you, and even if God is not hearing those prayers you know that someone out there cares for you – and usually not someone who wants something from you. I’ll admit it – I’m not an easy person to deal with when experiencing heavy negative emotions, but they keep trying.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re saying to yourself, “Hey, Mark! Those people ARE God’s presence for you.” And you’re probably right. And I do realize that and appreciate it (though that appreciation may not make it through the emotions that I’m feeling to the surface).
I just don’t get faith as comfort.
So God – thank you for your people who you have sent to help me. There are too many of them to list here, but know that I see their efforts and appreciate them. Amen.
Job Search – day 1
Today is “hurry up and wait” day.
I live in NJ. I was laid off from a PA employer. That means that I have to use PA unemployment. They very conveniently allow for Internet filing of claims – no more going to the office and standing in line.
There’s one problem. My salary for the first 2 days of the week was higher than the maximum weekly benefit. So I’m not eligible to file this week. I have to start next Monday.
I also called the Outplacement firm that my company is providing for me. I get 2 months of their services for free. However, they don’t have my paperwork yet. So I can’t start yet. Their process starts with a Monday morning orientation meeting, so I’ll either start next Monday or the following week.
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As for my personal state – I’m better than yesterday but a long way from good. The rollercoaster ride from the extreme high of Montreat to this in less than 2 weeks is VERY steep. As a result of the unemployment and outplacement delays, I seem to have 2 free days this week. I’m not sure how I’ll use them but I think I’ll treat one as vacation and the other as home project day. I have a number of home projects to undertake.
I won’t be chronicalling all of my job search. A fair amount will need to be confidential. But I will be posting from time to time.
I have a call into the church to see if there is a church member who is a lawyer who would be willing to look at my severance agreement cheap (or free). If you know of someone similar in the Trenton/Princeton/Central Jersey area who would be willing to help, please let me know.
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