Dredging up pain of the past
This weekend, I’ve experienced two instances of people inadvertently ripping the scab off of my personal pains of the past.
Pain #1 – Me of the Past
When I was in early elementary school, I had some emotional issues. I was the kid afraid of change (to the degree that I’d hide under a table in the hallway if given a new workbook). I was “most likely to get upset and disrupt a class”. I was also very intelligent and was ahead of the curve in school. I entered kindergarten (and even pre-school, if my parents are to be believed) already reading. One teacher that I had constant trouble with during my early grade school years was the gym teacher. According to my father (I’ve either forgotten or blocked memories of most of this), the gym teacher and principal were talking about the problem that I posed in gym class (and believe me, I was a bit of a problem). The principal suggested to the gym teacher that I was very bright and already reading. The gym teacher refused to believe that, and the principal suggested that he take a free period and come to kindergarten to get to know me better. (Dad heard about this because he was also a principal in another school in the same district – a “normal” parent probably wouldn’t have heard about it.)
Apparently, the gym teacher came down to the classroom and picked a book off the shelf. He gave it to me and I read it to him. He went back to the principal and told him that I’d memorized that book. The principal told him to go get a book from the library – maybe a 3rd grade level book – and ask me to read it. Same results – I must have memorized it. The principal told the gym teacher to go to a bookstore and BUY a book that isn’t in the library, and have me read it. Same result. According to Dad, the gym teacher concluded that I’d memorized every book. He reportedly said to the principal: “I took the book to him and he read it. I didn’t know what else to do with it so I gave it to him.”
Funny story, eh?
Dad reportedly got to use this story as an illustration for an elementary school colleague (Dad’s a school superintendent now). Apparently it made its point.
The problem for me is that Dad decided to retell the whole story to me this past Saturday night at dinner. I had completely forgotten it or blocked it as a painful memory (most of my memories of school from that period are painful). So Dad inadvertently dredged it up again. It was rather deflating for me. It’s not Dad’s fault – he figured that he’d done some good with a story from my life (and he probably has) and he’d tell me about it. It did hurt.
Pain #2 – Church of the Past
Way back in September, I wrote about my past in the church and why I had left and why I was returning. I mentioned in passing a “cult-like retreat” held by an “extremely conservative chapter of a conservative Christian campus
organization”. I think it’s time to flesh out that story some more, to explain my current dilemma.
Still, most patients have to live with pharmacy cialis the fact that you need to plan when you are going to trap by ED, but if you notice negative side effects such as vision loss moments after taking this medicine, call your doctor immediately. Men who were deprived of treatment due to pfizer viagra the high amount of the uric acid crystals. Vitamin buy tadalafil india A: Vitamin A is important for all males to focus on their diet and exercise to stay healthy. One of get viagra without prescription over at this web-site the most suitable versions is known by the name of Impotence, Erectile Dysfunction (ED) is an inability to achieve and sustain enough of a penile erection to make love. Back in 1986, I was a freshman at Rutgers University. On the first day, I was wandering around campus looking at the booths that various student organizations had set up. One of them near the Busch Student Center was for the InterVarsity Christian Fellowship. They were giving away ice cream. I figured that as a rather religious person (at this point I was already a deacon and serving on two Synod committees) I should take a look and find a campus christian fellowship. The local Campus Crusade for Christ seemed too fundamentalist for me, so I tried out InterVarsity.
I have since learned that different chapters of IVCF fall into different places on the liberal/conservative spectrum. This chapter was VERY conservative. One of the first Bible studies on campus taught me that I should not be a friend to any Jews unless I was actively trying to convert them to Christ (“be not unequally yoked”). Other lessons were similarly extreme.
In October I took a retreat with them for a weekend in the woods. It turned out to be a very cult-like situation for me. The 48-hour retreat turned out to be (as experienced by me) 24 hours of telling me how terrible my beliefs are, and then once I stopped fighting them, 24 hours of pouring in their own beliefs. As expected, those beliefs were strongly conservative.
Fortunately, my personality turned out to be strong enough to resist such tactics. I made the right noises and they stopped treating me as the “resisting” attendee and moved on to other people. Once I returned to campus, I never went back to their group again. And as I wrote before, this was the first step in my turn away from the church.
So why do I mention all of this?
I’ve been working with my church’s youth group for a couple months now. There’s a presbytery-wide retreat coming up, and the youth director asked if I’d be willing to serve as a chaperone – they need one adult of each gender to go along. I said that I’d think about it.
I looked up the camp where the retreat is being held. Yup – it’s the same place that the extremely painful memory from 20 years ago was made. Just looking at the pictures of the camp I feel nervous about returning to the “scene of the crime”. I read the “Ministry Philosophy” of the camp on their website, and it’s fairly in line with the folks who held that InterVarsity retreat years ago. I’m about ready to tell the youth director that I won’t be able to participate, just on the basis of where the retreat is being held. I have to think about it some more.
My wife is more emphatic: “DO NOT GO!”
Again – unintentional pain inflicted by someone who doesn’t know my background well enough to see the landmine before stepping on it.
We all have scabs. Some people gleefully pull them off when opportunity presents itself. Others (like my father and the youth director at church) don’t even know that they exist when they accidentally scrape them off. It hurts either way.
Friday Roundup
Time for a Friday life roundup.
Carolyn got back last night at midnight from her business trip. She went to the Turbolab Pump Symposium in Houston, TX all week. I’m a little tired from her post-bedtime return.
I saw a great hockey game Wednesday night. The Trenton Titans won 5-2 over the Johnstown Chiefs, including:
- 3 goals in less than 90 seconds.
- A short-handed empty net goal with 30 seconds left that was really just a lucky clear from the defensive zone.
- A penalty shot granted (and made) with only 4 seconds left in the game.
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More hockey continues tonight and tomorrow at noon (an early game – March Madness comes to the arena Saturday evening).
I have to finish compiling specific recommendations from the church Green Team to the Buildings and Grounds committee for the capital campaign. These have to be together by Sunday evening. It’ll be a rush, and I might have to make up some of the justifications because I’m missing information.
Don’t forget – Spring Forward – the clocks go forward one hour Saturday night for most locations in the US.
Sunday I have church (cookie exchange after worship!) and youth group.
Work is a bit nerve-wracking. The restructuring firm is making their recommendations to the Board next week. We’re all a little on edge.
A Day At Home
Today was “new hot water heater” day.
Our old hot water heater was one of the ones manufactured in the mid-1990’s when the one company that made dip tubes (the tube that forces the cold water to the bottom of the tank) used a different plastic. Many hot water heaters made then had the dip tubes deteriorate in 2 years or less. There was a national recall to replace the dip tubes that ended in 2000.
Our dip tube finally fell apart sometime in the last 6-8 months. For a few months now I’ve been finding little bits of white chalky stuff in the bathtub. I originally thought it was grout, but after talking to the plumber about our “running out of hot water” problem, it was a bad dip tube. The hot water heater is the same age as our house – 11 years – so we elected to replace the whole thing for about $1000 installed, rather than spend $200 on just the dip tube and have to replace the whole thing in a few years anyway.
The plumber did a fabulous job. In about 3 hours he drained the old tank, replaced an old screw tap valve for the humidifier with a real valve, and installed the new one. He was incredibly neat through the whole process – he didn’t leave as much as a drop of solder or a forgotten screw in the basement and he even used drop cloths between the front door and basement.
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This afternoon I did a bank run and then wrote up a paper on the theology of good environmental stewardship. This is pretty heady stuff for a person who isn’t a religious professional (I had a few classes in college, and spent a lot of time around religious pros). I think it probably relies too much on Bible quotes and doesn’t have enough explanation in between, but we’ll see. When it’s done, I promise to post it here.
Now I have to feed the cats, and then go outside and put down ice melt on all of yesterday’s snow that didn’t go away but rather melted and froze into a nice smooth surface. Then I have to change the cat litter and take out the trash.
At least I wasn’t at work!
Snow Day (sort of)
Today was a snow day – kinda.
Last night and all day today we’ve been getting a mix of sleet and freezing rain totalling about 1 inch (it’s over now).
The local schools all closed. Many local businesses had delayed openings, including the local Air Force base and IRS. My company didn’t even do a delayed opening.
I got to work on time doing 25-45MPH on the highway. It was quite slippery but doable. When I got there I discovered that only 1/3 of the company had bothered to come in. Many co-workers were “working from home”. I hope they enjoyed the Price Is Right.
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Then, at noon, the power failed. Apparently a 30KVa line two blocks over failed. They let us go home about 1:15pm. Of course, those working from home have to continue working. HAH!
Tonight we go to a Trenton Titans hockey game as long as they are still holding it (looks like it, but who knows whether the other team’s bus will make it on time).
Tomorrow I’m taking a planned vacation day for hot water heater replacement. It’s 11 years old and the dip tube has failed (meaning the hot water stays at the bottom of the tank and you only get about 3/4 of a tub worth before it gets cold).
The Dangers of Being a Majority Supporter of a Minority Group
If you’re like me, you’re in a unique minority. I’m white, male, straight, middle-aged, middle-class, live in the suburbs, protestant. I’m a member of every majority group. I AM WHITE BREAD.
Fortunately (or unfortunately), my genetic and environmental background have combined to form a desire for justice in my ethical framework. I want to work hard for a society where personal attributes like gender, age, sexual orientation, religion, ethnic background do not have any effect on how a person is perceived. We have a long way to go, but I really want to help get there.
This has drawn me to support, actively and passively, civil rights groups that I do not belong to. In general this is fulfilling work – I am doing something to help people other than myself (a very Christian activity) and helping to reshape the world into a better place.
Unfortunately, I have found that there are a number of pitfalls to this activity. Recently, I experienced some of them again. My comments on the Washington State “Defense of Marriage Alliance” proposal drew some strong negative comments from members of the gay community, here and on other blogs and forums. This echoed some more personal experiences that I had working even more closely with the Presbyterian gay rights movement about 12-15 years ago.
So, for your edification and to help me get past the pain recently experienced, here are some thoughts on what can go wrong when a member of the majority tries to work on behalf of a minority group. These are generally addressed to the majority person trying to work on behalf of the minority.
1. You will never be a member of the group. Ironically, this can make you a 2nd class citizen in the minority’s community.
Don’t forget this – you are not and will never be a member of the minority (well, with sexual orientation or economic status that’s not strictly true, but you get the idea). Some members of a particular minority are likely to view anyone not of that minority with serious doubt as to their commitment to “the cause”. In some cases, there will never be trust of a non-minority person.
As long as you are willing to toe the party line, you are probably safe from criticism. The minute that you choose to criticize the beliefs or tactics of the minority group (or even one faction of that group) you become open to having your sincerity doubted. You may be attacked for being a 5th-columnist (someone who attacks from within) representing the oppressive majority or a group of such people.
In today’s civil rights movements, an insidious concept has been invented – a pathological fear or hatred of the minority. This is true in some cases – burning a cross on the lawn of a black family shows a tendency to dislike black people. However, this concept of psychological fear or hatred of a group has been turned into a widely-used insult. Nowhere is this clearer than with the gay rights movement. “Homophobia” is the term used to label those who do not believe that homosexuality (or bisexuality or transgender inclinations) is fully acceptable in today’s society. A breakdown of the term itself would lead one to believe that homophobia is talking about fear of homosexuals. (or perhaps fear of homogenized milk?) In actual use it is an insult hurled at those who do not support full societal acceptance of homosexuality.
The problem with this insult is that in many cases the root definition is not true. Most anti-gay people are not afraid of gay people. They do not cringe in fear, crawl under their beds (or into closets?) and lock their door when two men walk down the street holding hands. They have (to some degree and depth) made a personal judgment of the ethics and morals of homosexuality and rejected it. No fear – just a personal decision.
So, back to our intrepid non-minority volunteer. If you choose to openly criticize the beliefs or tactics of the minority group (or often any portion of it), prepare to be labeled with all of the bad attributes of those that you’ve chosen to fight against. You will be seen as “one of them” and not “one of us”. Your words will be devalued. In short, the minority will try to make you feel as held down and victimized as they do.
Even worse – members of the minority itself experience this. One member of the gay rights community talked to me about how any gay person who challenges the tactics of the group gets labeled as “self-loathing”. He’s got his own internal homophobia.
I’m sorry – but this is all BS. It’s just the use of names and labels in an attempt to control that majority volunteer.
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2. Members of the majority will decry you as well.
In order for there to be a civil rights struggle by a minority group, there must be members of the majority to oppress them. (Side note – the oppression might no longer exist, but the fact that it once existed is enough to prolong the cause. Ask a left-handed person.) If you choose to be publicly associated with a minority group, you may draw the ire of members of the majority. If you support minority group Z, you will be labeled as a Z-lover, and probably as a Y-hater. You will be told that you (are you ready for this) have hatred towards your own people – your own self-loathing.
If the majority group has chosen to level morality charges against the minority, you will be open to them as well. For gay rights, your sexuality and sexual behavior may be questioned. You may be a “closeted gay”. In racial conflicts, this used to lead to your ancestry being questioned – that you aren’t as “pure” as you thought.
Paradoxically, this criticism is often easier to take than the criticism from the minority group itself. You are at least pointed in the right direction – you are taking fire from the front – from those that you have chosen to battle in your drive for equality for the minority group. The attacks from the minority group will more often come from behind, forcing you to battle on both fronts at once (and stand sideways, apparently).
3. You will be told that you “can’t understand” what the minority group is going through.
This is true. You truly are unable to feel the day to day pain caused by attacks on you for what you are. You might be part of one minority other than the one that you are speaking of, and in that case your pain is somewhat transferable. If you are a member of more or less every majority – you truly are unable to feel the pain.
HOWEVER, you obviously have a reason to be battling on behalf of the minority. You are expending energy and feeling pain (and joy sometimes) as you work for the cause. These emotions may pale in comparison to what a member of the minority is going through, but you feel them nonetheless.
You are lucky in that you have an escape route – you can simply stop working on behalf of the minority. It’s easy to melt back into the passive center of your majority group. However, this too comes at a cost. In order to stop the pain from your work on behalf of the minority, you must feel a different kind of pain caused by your decision to ignore your ethics and morals. In order to avoid the pain caused by this work, you cause yourself new pain by not being true to yourself (and in some cases, not being true to your religious beliefs). For those altruistic enough to try to help people without helping themselves in the process, turning your back is actually painful – an self-inflicted assault on your soul.
So what do you do?
Majority people helping a minority – remember that you truly cannot feel the pain of the minority. Remember that you are working with wounded people – people who are under attack for being what God made them. They will sometimes react illogically to you and to themselves. Be sensitive, and try to learn as much as you can. Avoid hot buttons.
Minority groups dealing with help from the majority – be patient. Those who want to help you fall into two groups – those who truly care and those who want to appear to care. Members of the latter group will generally fall away over time. The former group are the folks that you want to keep – people who are doing this for no personal gain (other than maybe satisfaction of doing the right thing). Help them understand the pressures that you face. Teach them about your community. And remember that they are unlearning behaviors taught to them by ignorant people – they will come around in time.
All – everybody has the right to their opinion. Sometimes asserting that opinion may cause pain. Sometimes that opinion is right. Sometimes it is wrong. Sometimes it is ignorant. Educate each other. Avoid using the tactics of hate and marginalization on each other. You’re all facing in the same direction trying to accomplish the same goal – don’t confuse each other with the enemy.
Washington State Marriages – Children Required
(My alternate title: The Gay Rights Movement Loses A Supporter Again)
The gay rights folks in Washington State have gone too far. Once again, they have found a way to piss off straight supporters in their bid for gay marriage.
The Washington Defense of Marriage Alliance is proposing a ballot initiative (957) that would:
- Require that heterosexual couples prove that they are able to have children before they can receive a marriage license, and
- Automatically annul any Washington marriage that fails to produce children within 3 years, and
- Require proof that couples married outside of Washington state file proof of procreation within 3 years of their wedding, or be labeled “unrecognized”, and
- Establish a process to prove procreation, and
- Make it a crime for people in an “unrecognized” marriage to receive marriage benefits.
Thank God I took that first-aid course.” “What did you do?” he asked. “I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!” We’ve all heard of it and know that it is a successful sex power booster which safely raises the stimulation without causing any dangerous side- effect on the brand cialis price human body. Take the medicine with water only Another problem people tend to face when consuming cipla cialis italia check is they take it as per the physician’s prescription. You must reboot your brain sildenafil cialis and reprogram your mind for success. A woman might feel it is somehow her fault generic pharmacy cialis that she can’t keep him turned on and question her own desirability. This is clearly aimed at invalidating a ruling by the Washington Supreme Court that upheld the ban on gay marriage. That ruling declared that a legitimate interest existed for the legislature to limit marriage to those couples that could produce children.
Carolyn and I have decided not to have children, for reasons that I don’t feel the need to go into here. This would directly affect us if we lived in Washington.
The WDOMA folks clearly recognize that this is absurd. They are hoping that challenges to this law would cause the Washington Supreme Court to overturn their previous ruling.
What this move fails to do is take into account the degree to which gay rights folks can anger their straight supporters. Making my marriage illegal in order to try to make yours legal is not a good strategy. It angers me. I’ve been a strong supporter of gay rights, but if this type of move were to propagate across the country, I would drop that support – because MY marriage would be under attack by those whom I support.
Let’s face it – homosexual people are at most 10% of the population. In order to have laws changed to support gay marriage, the support of a significant portion of the straight population is required. This move – by directly attacking all heterosexuals INCLUDING YOUR SUPPORTERS – is doomed to fail. Worse than that, it will erode the support of the gay rights movement among straight people.
Drop this attempt. You are dangerously close to losing my support. You NEED the support of straight people in order to achieve your agenda.
Off for the Weekend
Carolyn and I will be headed up to Camp Johnsonburg for the weekend for the 2nd Reconnecting with Faith – Finding Your Home retreat (which I’ve written about here and here).
We’ve got a good group – about an even split between last year’s group coming back for followup and new folks (including a few new to the camp). Carolyn and I are going up early Friday afternoon to meet with the camp folks and finish the planning, and then the rest of the crowd arrives in the evening. It’ll be COLD (a high of 17F is predicted Friday at camp), but the group will be warm.
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See you next week!
Last Mother-in-Law Update
Carolyn’s mother is back home now. She’s talking about going back to work, so she must be feeling better.
Thanks to all for their prayers and thoughts. She did appreciate them.
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This will be the last update for now.
Mother-in-Law Update – the Sequel
They figured it out. Slipped, herniated disc someplace low on her spine. She’s had cortisone directly to the spine.
They may let her out of the hospital today.
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Thanks for all prayers.
Mother-in-Law Update
No news. She’s still in the hospital, still in pain and still no diagnosis.
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