Fear and the Visitor/New Member
When we held the Reconnecting with Faith retreat this past January, one of the questions that we asked the group was “What is keeping you from getting involved/more involved in a faith community?”
The word “fear” came up multiple times. I’ll try to describe the different sides of that fear, in the hope that by understanding it, those responsible for working with visitors and new members can help reduce its effects.
One important caveat: The visitor or new member has both a fragile faith and fragile sense of self within the church. I am purposely avoiding any judgment of those visitors. The time for judgment of the appropriateness of a person’s attitude or beliefs is when they are being considered for membership or higher office, not when they first come in the door.
Fear of Acceptance/Rejection
Here’s a situation that may or may not have happened to you personally. I’m sure that you have enough relevant experience to understand the emotions.
Let’s say that you are 13 years old. You’ve just moved to a new town (possibly in a different part of the country). It’s your first day of school. You’ve managed to survive the morning classes, and maybe you’ve made a friend or two. Most of the people around you are strangers, and they may or may not see you as strange. It’s lunchtime. You’ve gotten your lunch, and you’re standing at the side of the cafeteria looking for someplace to sit and eat. Do you find a table by yourself? Do you hope that somebody will invite you to join them? Do you dare to ask to join a table where others are already seated and talking? Will you be called a freak?
That’s what going to a new church feels like to a visitor who is looking for a church or considering the possibility of going to church. A 30-something man or woman (or couple, maybe with kids) is reduced in an instant to a gawky 13-year-old in a new school. Do you take a seat in the back pew to hide? Will someone invite you to sit with them? You may remember the service from the church you grew up in (or attended last week), but there are creeds in the bulletin that you don’t have memorized – that you’ve never heard of. Do you stand or sit during the 2nd hymn? Oh my, it’s Communion Sunday and there are no trays up front. How do I take Communion? Do they even want me to take Communion?
(This leaves out one of my personal fears – what happens when they hear how badly I sing? Ha.)
Once the service ends, will someone talk to me? Do I want them to? Should I go to coffee hour?
In my search for a church to return to, I experienced all of these fears. In some churches I was ignored (notably in the church that I ultimately joined – they had a bad day). In some churches I was smothered with attention. At least once I got a dirty look for daring to inhabit the chosen pew of a family.
In some churches I was treated well. I was welcomed, people asked about me and why I came. People talked to me during coffee hour. I felt at home.
It’s tough wondering if you will be accepted.
Fear of Commitment
The lack of a church experience in your life often leaves a hole. For some its a big hole. For others its a little hole. Something (or someone – like your child) is pushing you to look into joining (or rejoining) a church. Maybe it’s God. Maybe it’s just you. Maybe you don’t know.
At the same time, you have a routine. Your Sunday mornings have been free (and often free from the need to get up early). Your checkbook has not felt the pinch of a weekly donation. Your Sunday evening, Tuesday morning, Wednesday evening, etc are free from church committee meetings, bible studies, youth group, etc.
At some time, you will be called upon to make a commitment to God (and Christ if you choose a Christian church). That commitment is one of money, time and talents. You’ll sacrifice some free time and some personal resources. You may be prepared to do so.
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“What will they expect of me?” “What am I getting myself into?” – I’ve said both of those through the course of my return to the church. (I’m pretty sure I said at least one of those this past weekend.)
During the Reconnecting with Faith retreats, we heard complaints about expectations around personal resources. We heard of one church where financial contributions (including supporting the church school) were essentially mandatory. In one case, a woman who was young and had done youth work, and who also plays guitar, related her experience visiting a church. The pastor talked to her after church, and as he learned of her particular abilities was obviously mentally putting her on committees. “Oh, you can help with the youth group.” “You play guitar, we can sure use your help with the contemporary service.” This woman was scared off by the demands placed on the first day visitor.
What will they demand of me? – this is the question.
One extra note here – “We’d love to see you next week” sounds coercive to some. “We’d love to see you again” is a better choice.
Fear of Special Circumstances
In our retreats, we had a few people who had different reasons to be worried about being judged. We had someone who is gay. We had at least one person going through a divorce. We had several who had been away from the church for a long time (like me).
The church (in my opinion, to its detriment) is very good at making snap judgments of people based on their traits and/or personal situations. Homosexuality, divorce, age, marital status, even time away from the church are all things that can cause church people to “look down their noses”. I’ve experienced it with my long-time absence from the church (though that came more from church people in my own family).
Remember what I wrote above about fear of acceptance or rejection. Add these special factors and what do you get? A 13-year-old who is nervous about a new situation, but who also feels (rightly or wrongly) that they are wearing a target on their shirt. It’s like there’s a scarlet letter on your shirt – G for gay, D for divorced, I for inactive, O for old.
The good news here is that a church that is intentional in its welcome to visitors can get past these fears. Sometimes it means broadcasting your acceptance (and in some cases, the boundary of what you will accept) – in the website, in the bulletin. Sometimes it just means listening to each person’s special circumstances and being clear on the church’s position while loving the person. “We’d love to have you come back again” sends a strong message to someone who has laid their cards on the table. “We’re glad that you visited, but our church has problems with {homosexuality, divorce}” is better than letting someone attend on a regular basis and run into that particular wall should they choose to pursue membership.
Fear of “What Happened Before”
In the retreats nearly 1/2 (or possibly more than 1/2) of the participants were able to point to one or more specific incidents that caused them to leave the church or consider leaving the church. These incidents cover the entire spectrum of church activity. Some mentioned a specific theological concept (or more than one) where they differed from the church (that they belong/belonged to). Some mentioned “people behaving badly” in church – rude, insensitive, political behavior or even in one case physical abuse. Others mentioned a focus on money and donations to the exclusion of theology.
Each of those people is experiencing or has experienced pain at the hands of the church. Some of that might be considered self-inflicted. Some is just “one of those things” (like a theological split from their church).
The key is to recognize that pain, and help the person get it out of their system. This is what we do at the Reconnecting with Faith retreat (among other things). It is not appropriate to fish for this in a visitor, but when it does come out the church and particularly those involved with visitors and new members should be prepared to handle it.
Conclusions
People walking in the door for the first time are usually nervous. The church generates fear in them to some degree. A church is most successful at attracting and retaining visitors when it can help visitors get past that fear.
Comments
9 Comments on Fear and the Visitor/New Member
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Listing Straight on
Tue, 13th Mar 2007 3:13 pm
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jim on
Tue, 13th Mar 2007 4:32 pm
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Mark on
Tue, 13th Mar 2007 4:48 pm
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Anonymous on
Tue, 13th Mar 2007 5:01 pm
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David Booker on
Tue, 13th Mar 2007 5:29 pm
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Amy Watkins on
Wed, 14th Mar 2007 11:19 am
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will spotts on
Wed, 14th Mar 2007 1:39 pm
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Mark on
Wed, 14th Mar 2007 4:45 pm
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Presbyterian Gal on
Thu, 15th Mar 2007 11:07 pm
This is wonderful! When the new members joined here on Sunday I said something about joining a church being an exciting, scary, and wonderful thing and there has been one person who is wondering why I would say scary (it will scare people off)… I’m going to print this to share if the question gets asked again…
Mark,
This is very good, helpful, and insightful. I wonder what the best way to share this type of information with an entire congregation might be???
As a pastor, I almost never write a letter welcoming someone after their first visit. When I finally do after a few visits, I’m careful in what I say trying not to come off as overbearing. It’s a delicate balance especially since, as you point out, you never really know what’s going on in their head.
While I do try to be careful, I’m always worried that some visitor might be totally scared off by something a member of our congregation might have said.
Thank you both.
Jim,
When I was looking for a church, I wrote off a congregation that failed to contact me after the first visit (it also felt “stuffy” when I visited, so it was really 2 strikes).
I would send the letter, but make it generically welcoming and provide just enough information to get them back again (like service times). If you have a brochure, just saying “we were glad that you could join us, and call us with any questions” along with a copy of the brochure should work. If you actually spoke to the visitor, a short handwritten sentence at the bottom of the page is nice. If they didn’t want any contact at all, they wouldn’t have given you an address.
I’d also recommend contacting them via mail all the time, and via e-mail or phone IF THEY PROVIDE THAT INFORMATION. If they don’t give you a phone number, don’t look them up in the book and call. If they DO provide an e-mail address, assume that they expect an e-mail (in these days of spam providing an e-mail address is something you do if you want to be contacted). And mail the letter or make the contact sooner rather than later – in the first week if possible.
There’s nothing you can do about a member doing something that gets perceived as negative. The key is making sure that somebody (visitor team?) does something that gets perceived as positive. If possible, watching our for negatives is also a good idea – try to head them off if you can.
The key is to affirmatively make contact, but then let the visitor control the interaction. Let them tell as much or as little as they want. Say hi, and ask ONE question like “what brings you here today?”
As far as sharing it with a congregation – why not ask them to visit another church, and then talk about the experience? The stuff I wrote here could be used as a discussion starter.
One thing I have done for a friend who is an Episcopal Senior Warden this year is to be a “mystery visitor”. I went to her church and pretended to be an interested visitor (including giving name and address and waiting for a contact afterward), and then wrote a report on the experience. In that case, the pastor got it 100% right but nobody else talked to me (and the visitor team got the full report in the end).
Fear and the Visitor/New Member
I wrote this article on the fear experienced by the visitor/new member upon coming to a church.
This comes from my personal experience and the experiences of participants in the Reconnecting with Faith retreat.
wow…at lot of wisdom in this post!
I wonder if a new person in the church or youthgroup is really a bit of a test of the leaders heart…is the first question we ask ‘what can they do/give/offer’ to us (the kind of question we ask when we are under pressure to keep the ship on course maybe), or do we first see a person to welcome and love.
I seem to remember Jesus telling Peter to feed his sheep, not fatten them up for harvest
Thanks for the wisdom
Mark,
Talk about serendipity…from an email with an update about a class reunion, to a comment on a blogspot, to your old blogging pages, which had a link to your new blogging pages…here is where I ended up…reading yesterday’s entry.
As the daughter of a Presbyterian minster (who himself was raised in the south in a very evangelical church and family, and swore to himself that his approach to religion with his own children would be more hands off), I have found myself an adult with very definite beliefs and rules of conduct, which I follow…yet no place to congregate with other like-minded folks. I am a single mother to a 6 year old little boy, who is incredibly inquisitive and inspiring himself. The only decisions I wish to make regarding his spiritual practices are those that teach him to follow his heart and be kind to people. He has many, many questions. And so, I’ve searched for a place that we can call our spiritual home…that suits both my needs and his.
The church that we attended for some time seemed very open to us…initially. Folks were friendly. We stayed for fellowship and “mingled”, though I found few people with young children such as myself, who were friendly. The friendly folks tended to be the older folks…and we enjoyed our time there. At the time, my son was an older infant…and not comfortable staying in the nursery without mommy. I tried…as it was made pretty clear during services that the nursery was always available for children (this came up, it seemed, any time quiet fussing of my infant began, which wasn’t really very often). Every week though, within 5 minutes of the service starting, the parent in charge at the nursery would come down and let me know that my son was crying inconsolably and I needed to come down to be with him. Had the church service itself been piped to a sound system in another room where I could listen, unobtrusively while attending my son, I’d have stayed. But with no other parent to “trade off” weeks for who is in the nursery, and who was in the service, it was a no-brainer that I wasn’t having the benefit of the service or the companionship or dialog, and I could just as easily play with my son at home on Sundays as I could there. So, we stopped attending. I did however, continue to receive newsletters where my name was listed as helping out in the kitchen for fellowship on a given Sunday…though I could not attend as there was no one to watch my child.
Fast forward a few years…my mother unexpectedly passed away, and it was her desire to have a memorial service at this same church. Now, the church had an interim minister…and this interim minister made no bones about us not being members, and essentially the steep fees that would be involved to even open the church for such a service. And it was made clear to me also that just because my son had had his dedication ceremony there did not make us members…that it was regular contributions that made us members and that shortly after my son’s dedication, their policy changed on having dedication ceremonies for non-members. I don’t think I’ve ever felt quite so slapped in the face.
Somehow, I still feel as though this may be the right place for us…my son is older now, and would have little to no issue in a religious education program. And we intend to return to this church once the congregation has selected a new settled minister, instead of this interim minister who (I felt) was so callous at a very difficult time.
Why did I write this…I’m not even sure I could answer that…except that perhaps for me, it was helpful to read that others (much like myself) have struggled with reconnecting with faith…I appreciate yoru candor.
Mark – this is excellent. Once we’re ‘situated’ in a church it is easy to forget that experience. You put this in terms that are easy to relate to. Thanks.
Hey everybody! It’s a small world. I went to high school with Amy!
Will – thanks. My wife and I were talking about this last night, and we were wondering how many pastors (or just ministers of any stripe) actually go through the process of joining a new church as a member. We suspect it’s a small percentage, and that they are more likely to know people in the church when they do.
Hey Mark. Great post. You nailed it. Thanks.
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