Princeton Theological Seminary, here I come
Filed under: Candidate Process, Princeton Seminary, Religion, Seminary
So, Mark … anything new going on?
I’m so glad you asked.
I’M GOING TO SEMINARY!
Ok, let’s back up a bit.
A few months ago, I told you about my change in career and life direction. I’ve continued pursuing that direction. (If you follow that link, it backs up even farther) In late August I was enrolled as an Inquirer in my presbytery, confirmed by my presbytery in September.
I’m geographically bound (my wife has a job here that pays well enough for me do follow this path), so my choices for a Reformed seminary came down to two: Princeton Theological Seminary and New Brunswick Theological Seminary. Both are fine seminaries with different focuses. Princeton focuses exclusively on the full-time student who is able to complete their M.Div. degree in 3 years (4 for a dual degree). Princeton is a PC(USA) seminary, and is very academic. New Brunswick (a Reformed Church in America seminary) focuses on the part-time student (though some students attend full-time) and emphasizes the practical aspects of ministry, with a concentration on urban ministry. Princeton Seminary has an ivy-league-like setting surrounded on three sides by Princeton University, and has about 600 students at any given time, with about 475 of them in a Masters program. New Brunswick is in a mixed college/urban setting, surrounded on three sides by the Rutgers University College Avenue campus (where I earned my undergraduate degree in Computer Science). New Brunswick has smaller graduating classes of 50 or so. Princeton has some ethnic diversity, but New Brunswick is so diverse that it’s hard to call any ethnicity a majority. Both share about the same gender diversity. Theologically the student bodies are quite different. Princeton’s students are 50% Presbyterian, with the rest scattered among many denominations and non-denominational backgrounds. New Brunswick has few Presbyterian students (and not even a majority of Reformed students) with a very wide spread of denominations and non-denominational backgrounds. Both reside in my presbytery, and have connections to my Committee on Preparation for Ministry (CPM) and students from my presbytery. Princeton is a very residential school – nearly all students live on campus in either dorms or apartments. New Brunswick has very limited housing and most students commute (and many work full-time and study at night).
I visited New Brunswick last May during one of their open house events. I had time one evening to meet faculty, staff, current students and other prospective students. I was able to attend chapel, receive a tour of the campus (primarily the library), and attend a class. What I discovered was a very family-like atmosphere – it was clear to me that the faculty and staff truly care about their students as individuals. The class that I attended was professionally taught and intimate – about 30 students for a course that would have over 100 at Princeton. The main building is about the size of one of Princeton’s academic or administrative buildings, if not a little smaller. I felt that I could study there, but I also felt out of place demographically and theologically.
I have had MANY connections and experiences with Princeton Seminary. My church employs 4 seminary interns each year, and we have 3 Princeton students not “of the congregation” under care for their own journeys. I have attended events like the Institute for Youth Ministry Forum. On the advice of a friend, I audited a class at Princeton last spring. I have a large number of Twitter friends who are current Princeton students or alumni. A few church members and staff relatives are employed at the seminary. My presbytery work and the Revive! event last June brought me into contact with many other folks who fit all of those categories.
Last spring during the Youth Forums, and on days that I audited the class or had a Revive meeting on campus, I sat on the steps of Miller Chapel and tried to imagine myself as a Princeton student. It was a lot easier than I expected. Being there just felt right.
So I worked diligently on my application from August through the end of September. I wrote my long essay and the short answers that were requested by the application. I found friends who would write my references. In short – I treated the application project like any of my other projects and pursued it relentlessly and with a smidge of overkill. I submitted my application at the end of September. My last reference was received on October 22. I’d already had my interview on October 6, so my application was complete at that point.
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From October 20-22, Carolyn and I (she wanted to go) attended the Princeton Seminar – a three-day admissions event at the seminary. We had time to eat and meet with student hosts, faculty, staff and others. (The President, Iain Torrance joined Carolyn and I and our campus host for the first dinner – to our surprise and delight.) We were able to attend classes and hear presentations from different administrative departments. We ate at the campus dining facility – both private catered meals and along side the students. We were also given a walking tour of the campus.
Two different things stood out during the visit.
First, I was comfortable there. REALLY comfortable. So comfortable that I’ve only felt as free of anxiety in a few other places in my life – at my home with Carolyn or at Camp Johnsonburg. The morning before we left for the visit Carolyn asked me if I was nervous. I thought about it and answered (to my surprise), “No. I suppose I should be but I’m not.” I found the classes fascinating. I found the conversations stimulating. I found the presentations interesting. And throughout it all I had none of the nervousness that I’d expected to have – given that I was being evaluated even while I was doing the evaluating.
Second, I kept bumping into people that I already knew. Carolyn and I ran into my spiritual director in the first 10 minutes on campus. I met one twitter friend for the first time, and bumped into two others (literally bumped into in one case). I sat in a class taught by my CPM chair, with one student who is a member of my church. I ran into students from the class that I audited last spring. I ran into people who worked on Revive with me. I ran into people that I had only previously met at Camp Johnsonburg. In short – all of my church-related worlds collided during this one visit. It’s as if many, many, many of my church experiences intersected at a single point – at Princeton Seminary. Biggest of all for me was the sense that I got from my friends and prior contacts that they were happy to see me at Princeton. For an introvert like me, that is hugely important.
During the visit, I thought I’d heard the Director of Admissions mention that the Admissions Committee meets monthly, with a meeting “this Wednesday” – which I took to mean the day that our visit started. I assumed that I’d missed the deadline and would be waiting a least a month. The Wednesday after the visit I received a thin envelope from Admissions at PTS. After a moment’s panic I opened it only to read “Your application is now complete and we will begin processing it.” Heart-attack averted. On Friday, I e-mailed a Princeton staff member who is on the Admissions Committee about a church-related issue, and got back the reply “I hope we see you as a student at PTS next year!” I took that as a good sign.
This past Saturday, I received a thickish envelope from Admissions. I brought it inside to the kitchen where Carolyn was cooking. I casually tried to sort through the mail to make the pile of things I should open, and about halfway through the process just dropped the rest of the mail and tore open the envelope. “Congratulations! It is my great pleasure to inform you of the decision of our Admissions Committee. You have been accepted into candidacy …” and that’s as far as I got before I started jumping up and down like a six-year-old (scaring Carolyn and the cat). I immediately send a DM to one of my favorite friends who has served as native guide through the process, called my Session Liaison, and then tweeted the news.
This morning I spent some time in silent prayer about this decision. Both schools have pro and con attributes and arguments, but there is one clear direction.
Tomorrow, while I am at Princeton for the Institute of Youth Ministry Conference on Emerging Adulthood, I will stop by Admissions and drop off my Letter of Confirmation and deposit.
I will begin my Master of Divinity (M. Div.) program starting in the Fall Term of the 2011-2012 academic year, making me a member of the class of 2014 at Princeton Theological Seminary. Next September I will be a seminary student.
And I’m happy, nervous, and have this feeling of rightness about it. I believe God is in this decision, and all of the little interactions over a number of years that led up to it.
National Coming Out Day 2010 – I Am a Straight Supporter
Today is National Coming Out Day. It’s a rather bittersweet day this year, with a number of recent publicly announced suicides of teenage LGBT folks (and probably others we don’t know about). A few LGBTQ friends are coming out publicly this year, and numerous straight friends are coming out as allies.
I’ve been out about this for quite a long time. Over the past year my beliefs in this area have become more nuanced, but have not really changed. What has changed is the risk to me for making this statement. I’m now on the “becoming a minister” track in a denomination that doesn’t officially (or even clearly unofficially) support LGBTQ folks. So what you’ll read below is not new. It IS important for me to say, because while the risk to me is larger than it was a year ago, it’s tiny compared to what my LGBTQ friends risk in making their statements. I salute them for their courage and love them as their friend.
I’m old enough to have come of age (my teen years) in the late 70’s and early 80’s. Stereotypes about LGBTQ folks were rampant. And I didn’t know anyone who fit that label (at least not that was open to me) except for one cousin of my mother’s, who was different in other ways as well (most notably drug addiction). I was taught the stereotypes by my parents. In fact, I can remember being told by my parents very clearly that gays were dirty, promiscuous, and drug users. I remember it so clearly that I remember hearing it in the back of the station wagon, and even remember what intersection we were at.
Later I started getting involved in church work as a teen. I went to our denomination’s regional meetings, and to the every-three-years youth conference. At both I encountered Presbyterians for Lesbian and Gay Concerns (PLGC – the predecessor to More Light Presbyterians) at their exhibit booth. I quickly learned that gay folks were just like everybody else. This challenged and ultimately overturned my parents’ prejudices instilled in me. This would never have happened if it weren’t for LGBTQ folks who were already out of the closet publicly. At the same time, I was learning about how the church discriminated (and still discriminates) against them in ordination, marriage, and basic acceptance.
A few years later I had the opportunity to become the Presbynet (precursor to the Internet, roughly) Coordinator for PLGC. I served in that role as a straight supportive person for about 6 years. Unfortunately that relationship came to an end in tension. My beliefs survived unchanged, but I am no longer a part of an organization around these issues.
Many straight folks who are supportive are using the term “straight ally” today to describe themselves. A good friend has convinced me that the term “ally” is fraught with confusion and inaccuracy. An alliance is an agreement between parties for mutual support. Nobody can call themselves an ally unilaterally. The LGBTQQI2S community has no central structure that could possibly bestow “ally” status on me. So I use the term “supporter” instead. Inside my head it’s more or less the same thing – I know what I believe, I feel the call to fix the problems that this division and discrimination cause, and I see my straight privilege (well, I see the privilege better than most and better than I used to).
So here it is:
I am a straight white married man
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I am an Inquirer in the PC(USA), and I’m currently applying for admission to seminaries
I believe in fully equal civil rights for the LGBTQ community, including the right to marry
I believe in fully equal ordination rights for LGBTQ people within the PC(USA)
I believe in fully equal marriage rights for LGBTQ people within the PC(USA), for those who choose marriage
I reject the different treatment of anyone based on who they choose to love, so long as they are in right relationship to their beloveds.
In particular, I want anyone (particularly young people) who feels that they need to end their life to alleviate the pain caused by bullying or other poor treatment based on their sexuality to know that I am there for you. Send me an e-mail. If you have my number, call me day or night. Or call 911 or the Gay and Lesbian National Hotline 1-888-THE-GLHN (1-888-843-4564). You are worthy of our time and love. Give us a chance to show you.
* I use the term LGBTQ because typing “Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transsexual, Transgendered, Intersexual, Queer, Questioning and Two Spirit” repeatedly is really hard on the fingers. Please assume the longer definition.
Reframing Hope by Carol Howard Merritt – A Review
Rev. Carol Howard Merritt, currently of Western Presbyterian Church in Washington DC, has published a new book: Reframing Hope. I’ve recently finished reading it and here I present a review.
Disclaimer: I’m a friend of Carol. She sent me a free copy of the book to read and review. And I’m even mentioned in the book. So I’m a bit biased. And let me just say this – it’s really strange reading someone’s book and knowing the backstories behind the stories, having participated in some of the conversations that she mentions and discusses. That’s particularly true of Chapter 3 – Reexamining the Medium – where she discusses Twitter and other social media. OK, that’s out of the way. On with the review.
Merritt’s primary thesis is this – the modern world is ending, postmodernism is taking hold, and the Church needs to adapt in order to survive. While spelling that reality out, she documents different ways in which the adapting part of Christianity (though not necessarily the Church as institution) is succeeding in reimagining the faith for not just a new generation, but a whole new way of “doing church”. She uses the psychological term of “reframing” as a model for that reimagining. Merritt states that we are using outdated frames to measure church success: numbers, attendance, income. We need to reframe our idea of church success and particularly church methods and ideas in order to work within a world that is changing from modernism to postmodernism. And interestingly enough, that reframing often includes a return to ancient ideas and practices.
Merritt centers all of this study of the past and present and imagining of the future within the idea of Hope. She feels (and I agree) that younger generations – Generation X through the Millenials, particularly the latter – show a great deal of promise in their zeal to make the world a better place. She feels that spirituality and community-building are on the rise, and contrasts them to the modern ideas of power and structure and hierarchy. Merritt feels that there is a movement of the Holy Spirit happening and a vitality of the newer generations, and that it’s important for us to recognize that and welcome it.
Merritt begins the study in the area of Authority. The locus of authority in the church today is changing from books (as recently as 100 years ago only available in libraries at a distance, and before that only available to a learned few) and pastors in the pulpit to a new locus in the Internet, random conversations, and outside the church. Where once only the very well educated were seen as authorities on spirituality and theology, today individuals are able to “publish” their ideas on the Internet and share them without a need for a title like Reverend or a bunch of letters after their name. Even more notably, the Internet and social media have allowed people who are interested in these subjects to converse with experts in the field, and even to form friendships with them. Shoot – today a wannabe pastor like me gets to converse with published authors and Moderators. And it’s not just ideas that are discussed – we aren’t spending a lot of time on “how many angels can dance on the head of a pin” questions. Practical notions about how to express our spirituality in community, how churches are governed, and sermon ideas are exchanged between people who have never met. And in the midst of that, ancient spiritual practices are lifted up again and seen in practice today. Merritt ends the chapter with a study in contrasts. In today’s world, there are two competing ideas – the idea that centralization is king and “bigger is better” and the empowerment of people at the edges. These movements are contradictory and happening simultaneously and in my opinion reflect the practical struggle between modernism and postmodernism. And we are expected (particularly pastors) to live with feet in both movements simultaneously – ministering to those rooted in the modern world and those rooted in the postmodern world.
Merritt follows this study of authority with stories of Re-forming Community. The big question in the Mainline Protestant church today is “how can we keep the young people from leaving?” “How do we reach out to a younger demographic?” Today’s church is aging, and the average age of members is getting so high that even the Sunday Schools are starting to empty – because the parents of those missing children are missing themselves. Our churches are worried about closing (and some have closed). At the same time communities are springing up to deal with the questions of spirituality and faith. These communities are sometimes appearing within the traditional church structure, but more often than not are growing organically across denominational lines and even inter-faith. Even the idea of community has changed – from “whose are you?” (what group do you belong to OR what are your beliefs) to “who are your friends?” The traditional idea of belonging to a group that has chosen to accept us and which has sharply defined boundaries has shifted. Today’s new communities are marked more by their permeable boundaries and sharing of concepts across faith and practice lines. Traditions are not rejected and replaced as they were in the evangelical movement (with its move from hymns and organs to rock bands and light shows) but instead are combined and formed into a new creation. To me, it looks a bit like spiritual Legos or Play-Doh – the basics are the same but the shape and size and color of the new community are created by taking pieces from many communities, old and new.
Merritt also speaks about the importance of denominational structures in the new world. She highlights the good in denominations: continuity, shared support, and the weight of numbers that makes big things possible. She calls herself a “loyal radical” – one who embraces some of the ideas and innovation of the Emerging movement but is still a loyal member of her denomination – Presbyterian Church (USA). (And she points out the groups that Phyllis Tickle calls “hyphen-mergents” – the presbymergents, anglimergents, etc.) She lists three factors that distinguish the Loyal Radicals from the Emergent church:
- Loyal radicals have strong ties to their denominational histories, where Emergents sometimes reject that history
- Origins – the postevangelical emergent movement grew out of a meeting held by Doug Pagitt to raise up the next generation of evangelical leaders – and can be very antidenominational. The Loyal Radicals reached similar ideas and practices due to their loyal reactions to their denominations, which many of them still love.
- Social justice – Loyal radicals are much more open to women, ethnic minorities, and LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered) leaders; indeed their presence is demanded or the movement is seen as exclusionary. Postevangelical emergents have had their leadership develop organically and the net result has been that that leadership is dominated by primarily white, straight men while in some places women and LGBT folks are excluded from leadership.
From there Merritt moves on to discuss the effects that the Internet and social media in particular are having on faith. This is a balanced look by someone who lives in that world every day. (Indeed – she and I have tweeted at each other WHILE I’m writing this review about another matter.) She discusses the positives of the Internet and social media: communication and friendship between distance-separated people who would be fast friends in person if they lived near each other, the ability to carry on discussions simultaneously and asynchronously, the instantaneous access to information and opinions. (I have to echo those virtues. I’ve made very close friends through social media. It’s fun to meet someone in person for the first time who you’ve been friends with on the Internet – most of the “new friend” awkwardness is gone and you have that “known each other for years” feeling. And the base of knowledge in a community of hundreds who will answer questions randomly is hard to beat.) She also considers the downsides: the questionable community by those who are never together in person, the loss of communication in a text-based medium, the dehumanization that anonymity produces, the ability to claim more support for your ideas than may exist and to take potshots at others from behind your screen. In the end she concludes that the new medium is good and that communication has changed forever. She challenges us to both accept the new and the good and also to be aware of the risks.
From here, Merritt moves into a discussion of the effects of these changes on different areas of interest to the church:
- The Message – Merritt discusses the power of story. The narratives of our Scripture, the narratives of other faiths, the stories of our lives – they all have the power to change people and lives. There is power in the linking of the stories of God and the stories of the person sitting in the next pew. All of this reminded me very much of Donald Capps’s work on narrative, particularly his book Reframing – A New Method in Pastoral Care.
- Activism – She speaks of the power of these new ideas in bringing about the reign of God. She speaks of the power of the new mediums of communication on activism for social justice. At the same time, she speaks of problems that this shift causes. There is a subtle ageism in movements fighting sexism, racism and homophobia. There is a divide between the activists of the 60’s who gave their all of their causes and the younger leaders who have not been mentored, and who see an “us versus them” mentality in the battles of their elders. Merritt gives examples of how today’s communication methods are being used in activism with good results.
- Environmentalism – Merritt speaks of the current state of the environment and the ways that we have become insulated from the natural world. She speaks of practices that have the potential to make things worse if we aren’t careful – such as the effect of the use of bottled water on the quality of tap water. She includes ideas of how to prevent and counteract the separation from the land that we are experiencing.
- Spirituality – Here the author discusses the split between mind, spirit and body that was fostered by Modern ideas – the split between secular and sacred that has left us feeling that the two cannot coexist. She speaks of the importance of presence and the fears and realities of digital technology on physical presence (her conclusion – it can hurt but often helps build community). She lists different areas of spiritual practice that need our attention to reintegrate body and spirit, daily life and our faith. In the end she concludes that the evangelical concentration on individual faith and the liberal concentration on social justice are two streams that are starting to flow together – integrating our faith and correcting the errors of our past.
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In her conclusion, the author sees Hope in the future as people find new ways to organize and BE community in this world. She illustrates this with stories positive and uplifting and poignant and painful all at the same time. But she sees hope, and shows us a glimpse of how to foster it and reframe it for the rapidly changing world in which we live.
OK, Mark. That was 1800 words on WHAT the book says. How about the review?
I live in this intersection of modernism and postmodernism. I grew up with a father who was a school principal and later superintendent – a paragon of the Modern world and the old picture of authority. I’ve always been heavily involved in technology and the Internet – particularly during and after college. That has put me in contact with people (including Carol) who were and are at the bleeding edge of the “new way” of communication. That in turn has led me to be in contact with folks who are currently thinking and talking and praying and working around the new way of doing and being the Church. A number of people have told me that this “new way of doing church” is a part of my personal call. I’m in more or less the same place as the author, though we’ve taken very different routes.
The book rings true to me. As I said in the disclaimer, I have been a part of a number of the conversations and events that she relates. There is a big shift in the church coming – one that has also been alluded to by Phyllis Tickle in her book The Great Emergence. The church that exists today just does not speak to younger people and they are voting with their feet. It’s not so much anger with the church that is leading young people away – it’s apathy towards the church. We just don’t matter anymore. At the same time I know that for those youth who ARE in the church we matter very much and their lives are transformed. Our message just isn’t getting through and I believe it’s because the world changed around the church and the church failed to change its communication methods. Many people accuse the church (particularly accusing liberals and postmoderns) of changing the message itself in an effort to reach new people. In some areas it’s true that the message has changed – homosexuality being one of them. But those changes have always happened – with slavery and the place of women most recently. It’s really the methods of communicating the message that are failing today.
One thing that I struggle with is how to create a church that can speak simultaneously to ALL generations. I don’t feel that we’ve reached the point of abandoning that goal – I still think it can be done. But it WILL take a decision to recognize the failures today and to accept new ways of being the Gospel to the world.
This book does a lot to show the way to that future. Merritt shows us what new ideas and concepts and practices are being used today to bridge the gap between the Modern church and the postmodern world. But more importantly, she shows us how those new ideas and concepts and practices fit within our faith – that the new is not necessarily a compromise of faith.
Additionally, this book is written in a very accessible manner. Some other books that discuss the same ideas and subjects are written in a very academic manner. This book is one that can be read by anyone. No extensive knowledge of church history, theology, or philosophy is needed. This book is written for both those in the academy and those in the pews.
No review would be complete without some negative feedback (sorry, Carol!). My only issue is that the author in a few places speaks of her personal history – as someone who has roots in the evangelical church, as a woman entering the ministry – as if those experiences were generally applicable to a large part of a generation. Those stories sounded completely true to me as Carol’s experience, but I question how applicable they are to American Christianity. No doubt my background contributes to this reaction – at the same time that Carol was growing up in the South I was growing up in the Northeast in a New York City suburb, in a town where we had multiple faiths (1/3 of the town was Jewish) and evangelicalism was very limited. I grew up with a woman who was my neighbor AND the Associate Pastor and our church Session was at least 1/2 female. I saw a different force operating on young people – apathy towards the church and faith in general in an atmosphere of social and career climbing where the victims didn’t matter. The net effects are the same – the kids aren’t in the church – but the causes are very different.
If you are interested in understanding the forces at work in the reshaping of the church, and in particular are looking for some methods of communication and practices that can bridge the gap between how we have done church and how we will do church, buy this book. And read it. But more importantly talk to others about it. Kick the ideas around. That’s what it’s gonna take to get from here to there – from where we are today to the Kingdom of God.
Into the future
Hello, folks.
I know that this blog has been dormant for a while. The main reason was that I was being very careful not to post anything related to my job search that might upset a future employer. As you know if you go back into my history, I’ve been mostly unemployed since August 2008. More recently working with the US Census allowed me to create my own small business without upsetting the unemployment folks and that has been operating at a part-time sporadic level since last spring.
Throughout my unemployment period I repeatedly heard a call to ministry. Sometimes it took the form of a thought that perhaps I should go to seminary. Often it took the form of me simply noticing that I was choosing to spend my free time while unemployed increasing my volunteer work in the church. I also found myself thinking that my church work was more important that my job search at times. A number of times it took the form of a surprise opportunity to stretch my ministry skills into a new area, and succeed, and I credit God with providing those opportunities. Once in the last 2 years I had a sense of God’s immediate presence, which felt a lot like my previous dream and vision.
All of this came to a head this past January. Several events – conversations with people that I know, and my hard work back home the week that my church’s mission trip was caught in Haiti after the earthquake – led me to the point where I felt that I “can’t not” consider seminary. So I took a few steps in that direction. In the spring I audited a class at Princeton Seminary on pastoral counseling. I spent a LOT of time talking to people who have already gone through the vocational discernment process. My wife and I went to considerable efforts to determine whether or not our relationship could handle the change in career to one that pays less and demands more. We consulted a financial planner to make sure that our cash flow and retirement planning would allow for me to have five years (the next year, 3 years of seminary, and a year after seminary looking for work) of very low income. I prayed a LOT – sometimes for God to help me make it happen and sometimes for God to take away the call. Ultimately I reached the point in August where my wife and I (among others – see below) agree that going to seminary and likely going into ordained minstry is the right choice.
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While this discernment was going on (and believe me, it will continue essentially forever but will be very focused for the next few years) I started the official process for becoming an ordained minister in the Presbyterian Church (USA). My Session voted to recommend me to the presbytery Committee on Preparation for Ministry (CPM) as an Inquirer in March. I met with CPM this past Monday evening and they voted to recommend that the Presbytery of New Brunswick enroll me as an Inquirer at the next meeting in 2 weeks. So from the official side I’m on my way. Our denomination has a very planned and regimented process of care, support, discernment and gate-keeping where the CPM committee will work with me (and my church Session, and to some degree the seminary) between now and the day that I may someday be ordained into my first call to make sure that God, the community and I all see that Call to ministry. That’s moving now.
My plan at this point is to start seminary for my Master of Divinity (MDiv) degree in the Fall of 2011. Our financial plan calls for me to work on a very part-time basis for each of the next 5 years. So for the next year I hope to find some combination of small business work, project work (hopefully church-related or something similar) and a regularly scheduled part-time job (again, ideally church-related or something in the non-profit field) that makes up about 10-15 hours a week. At the same time I’ll be continuing to discern, work on seminary applications, and volunteer at church and elsewhere. My wife has a solid well-paying job here so we are not looking to move either for school or the future.
So that’s what’s going on. If you have questions, please feel free to ask them in the comments. I do plan to reactivate this blog going forward to keep you updated on the journey and to again open up the release of writing that I felt needed to be temporarily stifled by my job search. Watch this space!
RIP Albert the cat (1996-2010)
In November of 1995, we moved into our new home. This was our first house, having lived in apartments up until this point. We knew that the house needed more life. So in February of 1996 we were referred to a woman whose cat had had kittens. We were given a good reference by someone who had previously adopted from this woman. We went to her house, and met Albert and his litter-mate Isaac.
Albert and Isaac had different personalities. Albert developed into the quiet cat, who used his voice only sparingly and for effect. He was also the happier of the two cats – always ready to see us. When he came to greet us he’d stand there with his tail straight up, shaking his back end and usually pawing his back feet. He had Insta-Purr, the ability to instantly start purring when pet. Albert was the runt of the litter but grew into a large but sleek 14-lb. cat. He and Isaac took turns being Top Cat. Albert was also the fraidy-cat – some visitors never saw him as he only came out when he was comfortable. Those who have been greeted by Albert should consider themselves royalty. He was able to tell when we held people in high esteem – those people got to meet him, maybe not at first, but while they were visiting.
Both cats were gentle, never using claws on people’s skin. They didn’t often claw at the furniture until recently. They NEVER bit a person, instead hissing or very rarely growling when mishandled.
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Recently Albert began sneezing all the time. Then he started losing his balance, missing jumps and slipping when not using his claws. He degenerated to the point where he was falling down the stairs. Finally two weeks ago, he was nearly as limp as a ragdoll and unable to walk straight. We took him to the vet where he received fluids, antibiotics, and a steroid shot. He improved for about 5 days, and then last Friday was in trouble again. We repeated the treatment and tried adding oral steroids. Today, 5 days later, he went rapidly downhill. In the morning he was chipper and walking straight and eating and drinking. This evening he was a ragdoll again. We were faced with the choice of spending thousands of dollars to diagnose (and likely not treat) a brain/spinal/neurological illness in an elderly cat. We tried the oral steroids, but tonight we had to make the difficult choice. Albert passed peacefully at the vet’s office with Mark and Carolyn petting him.
Albert is survived by his owners Mark and Carolyn, and by his brother Isaac. He will be greatly missed.
“I Love You”
(Note – this post is NOT a fishing expedition. I’m not looking for compliments or statements that you weren’t planning on making anyway. This is just my observations.)
Valentine’s Day is coming up. Love is in the air (though we’re a bit more concerned about snow these days). Thoughts of love both romantic and filial abound. Even my pastor is doing a sermon series on love.
This got me thinking last night. How many people have ever told me “I love you”? It’s a short list, though longer than I’d expected:
Carolyn
My mother
My father
My 2 grandmothers
My uncle on Mom’s side
My aunt and uncle on Dad’s side (not so sure about my uncle, but he meant it)
My father-in-law and mother-in-law
My brother-in-law
Heather (not sure about this one – it was a LONG time ago)
Katie
My youth pastor years ago
The Youth Director at my church today (I think)
Lorelei from camp
Certainly a few others from camp, but I’m at a loss to identify who
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Now, this includes both romantic love and the “I love you, as a friend” variety. Either implies a deep connection and interest in the well-being of the other party.
There are a few statements that do NOT qualify in my book:
“I love you for X” – for doing the dishes, for being a great friend, for painting a room at church. All of these are great, but the statement is missing the love of the whole person.
“I’ll love you 100 days if you Z” – if you give me a ride to the airport, if you clean up the kitchen. True love has no expiration date, though it may end.
“Love ya” – a closing salutation used a lot on e-mail. This is a cop-out – a way to avoid “I Love You” when it’s not really felt.
“Honey, I love you but I just can’t smile” – this is a youth group game, not a statement of devotion
“I love it when you Y” – again, too specific
The list of people that I’ve said “I love you” to does not match the list above. It’s longer, and there are some folks on that list who are not on my list above. I also tend to make deep connections a bit more quickly than others and I have a nasty tendency to try to connect deeper than the other party. So I’m prone to unbalanced relationships, where my devotion is greater than the other party. I’m working on that.
And I firmly believe that there are people who actually DO love me but who haven’t said so, because doing so is risky and may flout societal conventions (particularly because I’m married and a statement from another woman, even as a friend, could be misconstrued). And there are certainly MANY more people that I DO love that I can’t say it to. The youth in my youth group, some other church folks, a few former co-workers. I do love them but to say so to them would be disruptive and cause more trouble than it would fix. In a different world, it would be different.
I also have a longish list of people whose 3am phone calls I would take, for any reason. There are people for whom I’d jump out of bed and into the car if they called me in the middle of the night. That list overlaps my list of people that I love, but is not a 100% match.
Maybe it’s my church involvement, maybe I’m a throwback, and maybe I’m just weird. But I think the world would be a better place if we all knew what other people think of us more accurately. There’s risk involved there, and possibly hurt feelings, but the world would just run that little bit more smoothly if we knew. Maybe we can start with the positive emotions.
So my challenge to you is this: Sometime in the next week or so, say “I love you” to someone that you love but haven’t said it to yet (it doesn’t have to be me!). Use disclaimers if you must (“as a friend”). Do it in e-mail or on paper if you can’t say it out loud. But tell somebody that they are loved. It will mean the world to them.
Letter to PCUSA Special Committee on Same-Sex Marriage
The last PC(USA) General Assembly created a committee to study the issues of civil union and same-sex marriage and to make a report and recommendations to the next General Assembly, which meets in June 2010. They recently released a preliminary report without recommendations, and requested comments and recommendations from all parts of the denomination. Information on how to submit comments is found in this press release.
I have written a letter to the committee and e-mailed it. I present it below for you to read. You are welcome to comment on it here, but I would also suggest sending your own opinion to the committee.
September 29, 2009
General Assembly Special Committee to Study Issues of Civil Union and Christian Marriage
Presbyterian Church (USA)
100 Witherspoon Street
Louisville, KY 40202
Dear Members of the Committee,
I would like to begin by thanking you for your service on this committee, with its very difficult charter and topic. Your ability to work together amicably gives me hope for the resolution of troubles in our denomination.
I am a member and deacon at the Presbyterian Church of Lawrenceville NJ. I would like to make it clear that my words represent only myself, and not the opinions of my congregation.
I would also like to make my position on these issues clear before making the requested recommendations and comments on your document. I am strongly in favor of the position that homosexuality is not a sin, and therefore believe that gay people (I use that term to include all lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered people) should be ordained in Presbyterian churches and should be able to fully participate in Christian Marriage in the PC(USA) as defined in your document.
I would like to add some on-the-ground information to your knowledge. Here in New Jersey the law provides for civil unions for gay couples. An analysis of the implementing statute shows that those civil unions were intended to be identical to civil marriage in all but name – the statute clearly shows an intent to define these relationships as equal to marriages in all parts of State Law. Our experience has been that while these rights are often granted, there are cases where through ignorance or intentional acts those rights are denied. This includes denial of visitation in hospitals and denial of medical benefits for civil union partners because those benefits are provided under the ERISA law. The interim report of the New Jersey Civil Union Review Commission http://www.state.nj.us/lps/dcr/downloads/1st-InterimReport-CURC.pdf details these issues.
I, too, believe that our denomination is not yet of one mind on this issue. I do not believe that we will ever be unanimous on nearly any issue, but I do believe that we will someday – through a move to agree or through departures – form a concrete opinion on gay marriage that may be implemented throughout the denomination. We are in that “middle time” that always accompanies the discernment of proper interpretation of Scripture in the face of new information and new revelations by the Holy Spirit.
One question before us is this: Will we choose to inhibit those new ideas as being contrary to some people’s interpretation, or will we try them out as expressions of others’ interpretations before ultimately accepting or rejecting them? At various times in our history we have done both and someone is always unhappy.
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Another problem that our current rules and policies create is the Catch-22 situation of both affirming the right of gay couples to civil unions (216th General Assembly in 2004) and prohibiting them from exercising those rights in the church. We have told them on the one hand that we WANT them to form life-long partnerships between two people and that they CAN’T do so inside the church. In this we act to drive a wedge between the church and those couples. Whether or not you support gay marriage in the church, I think that we can all agree that driving people farther away from the church and farther away from God is a bad idea. Those who oppose homosexuality lose the ability to influence these men and women, and those who are in favor of gay rights lose the ability to support stable families.
Last, we have long affirmed the right of our members and leaders to differ and still be faithful. We have also placed the decision-making power over individual marriages with Ministers of the Word and Sacrament (on whether or not to perform the ceremony for a given couple) and Sessions (on whether or not to allow the ceremony to take place within the building).
Therefore, I commend the following recommendation to the committee for action:
That the Committee recommend to the General Assembly an Authoritative Interpretation of the Book of Order as shown below:
- That the definition of marriage in W-4.9001 is advisory and does not constitute a restriction on the performance of marriages or civil unions between members of the same gender in those states of the United States of America that permit them by anyone authorized by the Book of Order and the state to perform marriages (W-4.9002, G-14.0562d).
- That the definition of marriage in W-4.9001 is advisory and does not constitute a restriction on the use of church property for marriages or civil unions between members of the same gender in those states of the United States of America that permit them as long as they are authorized by the Session using similar procedures as those used for heterosexual marriage (G-10.0102d,o).
- That no Minister of the Word and Sacrament or Commissioned Lay Pastor is required to perform a marriage or civil union that the Minister or CLP feels is contrary to their conscience. (W-4.9002)
- That no Session is required to allow the use of church property for a marriage or civil union that it feels is contrary to its conscience. (G-10.0102d,o)
- That no Presbytery or Synod may pass a rule restricting the Ministers or Commissioned Lay Pastors or Sessions within its jurisdiction from performing or allowing the use of property for a marriage or civil union, due to the freedom of conscience protected by the Book of Order and our polity (G-1.0305, G-6.0108, Bush et al v. Presbytery of Pittsburgh – Remedial Case 218-10).
- That any part of any prior Authoritative Interpretation or General Assembly Permanent Judicial Commission opinion contrary to this Interpretation no longer has force or effect.
It is the intent of this Authoritative Interpretation to provide a compromise position. This would expand the definition of Christian Marriage to include those between members of the same gender, but would not require any Minister or Session to be involved in such a ceremony. Since marriage is not explicitly required for to perform any function in the church, it is not necessary for someone who does not support same-gender marriage to recognize such a marriage performed by another Minister or in another church. There is a strong case that ordination requires a very specific type of marriage, but it is unlikely that a Session or Presbytery would find an officer-elect being examined to be acceptable due to their actual or presumed sexual practice if they were concerned about that party’s involvement in a same-gender marriage or civil union.
I thank you for your time and consideration and apologize for this letter exceeding the requested 1000 words. I wish you well in the remainder of your work.
Yours in Christ,
Mark Smith
Candlelit Labyrinth
This past Thursday, I went up to Camp Johnsonburg for one day of Family Camp. It was good to reconnect with friends from years gone by. I had some conversations that may help my faith growth and/or discernment processes.
This was the last full day of Family Camp for the week. As a result in the evening there was the special Communion vespers service (I ended up reading the scripture).
After the service, Lorelei led a candlelight labyrinth. At Camp Johnsonburg there is an outdoor labyrinth made of stones laid on the forest floor under some trees. At the center is a big tree with a cross leaning against it. The camp tradition is to carry a stone with you while walking the labyrinth, and to leave it at the foot of the cross when you are done. The labyrinth has been there 10 years – the stones are in a huge pile covering the bottom 1/2 of the 5′ cross.
I’ve walked this labyrinth during the day alone, during the day with campers of all ages, and twice in the winter as part of a retreat. Each walk is a different experience (even when you lead it 4 times a day with campers). But the candlelight labyrinth is VERY different.
I helped set up the candles. We took tea lights and placed them on flattened silver foil cupcake papers laid on flat rocks around the labyrinth. Just before we arrived, a few of the Leadership Training Program reunion youth lit them.
It was late twilight when we arrived, and fully dark (on a cloudy night) when we were done. At the beginning of my personal walk, I was able to see the path without the candles. By the time I finished walking all the way in and then retracing the path out I could only see the path WITH the help of the candles – and then just barely. For the first time that I’d walked this labyrinth I was uncertain of my path. (Indeed, one youth tried to finish and kept accidentally jumping paths. He gave up and walked out across the stones when he was still going 10 minutes after everybody else.)
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As I write this I’ve been unemployed for over a year. While I continue to perform my church duties and even take on additional ones, I’m struggling with God: both with some kind of sense of call, and with frustration with my continued joblessness. I’ve reached a point where I feel like I believe in God, but I don’t think God believes in me. And yet I still feel drawn to God and to the religious world and life in some form. It’s very confusing and very painful.
As I walked this time, a metaphor became clear to me. I experienced it as a future sermon illustration. The candles were like God’s presence in the flame (Holy Spirit, if you will). I had walked this labyrinth many times, but THIS time I was uncertain of the path. I was only able to see the path with the help of the candles. So then go parts of our lives? Only able to see the path with God’s aid? God is with us assisting us to find our path?
For now it’s just a future sermon illustration and I don’t feel like it applies to me. I do feel rather abandoned by God. But perhaps there will be a day when God finally gets around to giving me a path or showing me what the path is, and this metaphor will be more concrete for me.
Next year I’ll be President of the Deacons and need to preach, so at the very least I have an idea to file away for 18 months or so.
May you find your path, and help others find theirs, with God’s help.
Montreat Youth Conference 2009, part 2
Last week I attended the Montreat Youth Conference 2009 Week 5. I served both as a Small Group Leader and as a Back-Home Leader for my church’s group. This is the second post about the trip, and will consist of “what did I feel” and “what did or did not happen to me” during the week. The first post consists of the “what did I do”.
First – let me get one thing out of the way. Unlike last year, God did not choose to speak directly to me (ironic, considering that we covered the Burning Bush story). If God talked to me this time, it was through smaller things and other people. (And that does seem likely.)
This was a very stretchy week.
The first stretch was a little one. This was the longest car trip that I’ve ever taken alone. Oddly enough, all other trips of more than half of this one have been by air, or with someone. It wasn’t a big stretch, but it’s an interesting anecdote.
The biggest stretch was leading the small group. My small group consisted of 33 people besides myself. In my 20 years of business and church and life, I’ve never actually led a group that big. It went very well, and I was repeatedly affirmed during the week by both the youth and adults in the group. I also benefited greatly from the confidence that my back-home group had in me. There IS a lot of work involved in being a small group leader – mainly due to the prep work required. It’s also a little hard for an introvert as you have to be “on stage” for several hours each day. You have a badge and wristbands that identify you as conference leadership all day long, so you’re not really “off stage” unless you’re alone or in a group of other leaders (or in my case, with the back-home group). At any rate, this went really well. Put a check in the stretch and succeed column.
Another big stretch was Monday night’s worship service. I agreed to serve as a prayer station during the Prayers of the People. There were about 12 of us stationed around Anderson Auditorium. We stood there while music played and people came up to us with personal prayer requests. The easiest one that I got had to do with generic prayers for the broken people in the world. The hardest were a recent personal cancer diagnosis, and a person struggling with addiction. The Holy Spirit was clearly in my corner on this one – I was able to serve as a conduit for hurt and healing and just had to concentrate on saying the right thing. This was a huge stretch for me. Those who have been following my call/career/transition saga know that at one point I said that I am not the right person to be working with people going through serious issues (and that I was immediately called to do just that right after saying so). This was another one of those moments. Put another in the stretch and succeed column (I hope – I haven’t heard from God yet).
A third stretch was performing in the Talent Show. Now I know that my talent (shaking a bell pepper-shaped shaker) was minor, but it was fun to be part of the show rather than the guy behind the scenes for a change. Our young ladies and men sang so sweetly and Mike played guitar so well that we were truly amazing. I can’t wait for Rich to edit the video.
I am grateful for the friend who took the time to listen to my troubles for a few minutes out of his very busy life on Tuesday evening, even while we were making arrangements for other stuff later in the week.
I met a lot of good friends during the week – new and old. I HAVE to find time to go see Brian and Carol and little C sometime in their native habitat. I knew Carol a little from the radio show (and she wasn’t there), but I got to meet Brian and find out how amazing he is. I can immediately think of 10-12 other people that I met at Montreat that I KNOW that I want to find a way to work with again. It was such fun working and laughing with them.
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The Montreat conference family is a little tough to join for the first time, but it’s totally worth it. For the first few days I was a little lost in the “inside” language (“innie vs. outie” for people responsible for stuff inside vs. outside the auditorium, for example) and I felt a bit like a well-loved new foster child. By the end of the week I felt more like a family member.
The Small Group Leaders that ate together on Sunday morning all commented on the Bacon Alarm Clock that comes with sleeping above the kitchen. Bacon quickly became the theme for our week. We talked about recipes containing bacon. We talked about what people make out of bacon (the AK-47 being the most mentioned). The official photographer had every small group yell “BACON!” when taking their picture.
One youth decided that I looked like Wallace Shawn playing Fizzini in Princess Bride (“Inconceivable!”).
I do not yet know what if any impact that this conference will have on my future. I did get an inkling that some friends may be trying to find a way to pay me to do something for them – and if it is truly the right thing to do for them I hope that it works out. I have learned that I can do some things that I didn’t know I could do before. It was good to have so many positive affirmations from so many people during the week. Here are two of my favorites from my small group:
(From the Blessings page in the booklet) “Thanks for keeping it awesome and if all else fails you can always take up the Bell Pepper professionally. -X”
I ran into one of my small group kids walking the other way in front of Anderson:
Me: Hi, Faith!
Faith: Oh good! You’re excited to see me!
I don’t know what the next year will bring, but next summer Montreat (and probably being a small group leader) will be on the short list of possibilities.
Montreat Youth Conference 2009 Part 1
Last week I attended the Montreat Youth Conference 2009 Week 5. I served both as a Small Group Leader and as a Back-Home Leader for my church’s group. This is the first post about the trip, and will consist of the “what did I do”. The second post will consist of “what did I feel” and “what did or did not happen to me” during the week.
I started out a day ahead of my Back-Home group on Friday the 24th. I drove 8 hours to Salem, VA and spent the night at a motel. During the evening I did some work finishing up the choice of music for use in my small group.
The next morning I headed out and arrived at Montreat. Upon arrival I ventured into Assembly Inn. A staff meeting was going on so there was nobody to check me in. Tully found me and guided me to meet Russ, one of the Small Group Leader leaders. After some travail finding out that the Assembly dining room was closed, we headed over to the Huckleberry for lunch.
In the first hour, I met at least 5 people that I had only previously known from the Internet, including Kathryn, Anna, and Tara. This continued for several days, with people looking at me and saying “you’re Mark, right? From the blog?” A social networker I am, apparently.
Saturday afternoon and evening and Sunday morning consisted of Small Group Leader training. The Omega (weeks 5 and 6) leadership came and gave us the rundown on what they’d be talking about and doing during the week. We learned some of the games (a few by playing), and were properly trained in Sexual Misconduct policies. We signed up for our slots assisting with the various recreation, worship and other activities during the week. We also did a “run-through” of Monday’s small group stuff – something that was repeated for the rest of the week almost daily. Those run-throughs gave us some idea of what to expect and what had worked and not worked during the week.
I stayed on the 3rd floor of Assembly Inn. My Back-Home leader and I had agreed that he already had enough other leaders that I wasn’t necessary overnight, and that I’d get more sleep at Assembly. The room was very comfortable. At night the windows let in the cool mountain air and I had no trouble sleeping because of heat. Our room (I shared it with a college student SGL) was above the kitchen and for the first few days I was awoken by the “Bacon Alarm Clock” at 5:30am – when the odors of breakfast wafted into the room. (Later in the week I was so tired that I slept through this alarm.)
My back-home group arrived on Sunday afternoon and I greeted them and shared dinner with them. For the rest of the week I had lunches and dinners with my back-home group and breakfast with the Assembly Inn crew of SGL’s, other youth groups, and other leadership. Each night I joined devotions with my back-home group until 11:30 or midnight, then walked back to Assembly.
Then the days began. The night before (if I was lucky, the afternoon before) I prepared the small group activities for the next day – making notes and preparing paper game pieces, newsprint sheets, or whatever was required. I was usually able to finalize the morning Small Group session before the Keynote started at 9am, and then joined my back-home group for Keynote. Then morning Small Group, lunch, afternoon Small Group, and then different things each day. Monday afternoon was the special recreation event in Small Groups. Tuesday was a little free and I made it to the run-through for Wednesday/Thursday. Wednesday was the free afternoon and my back-home group went to Asheville for the afternoon (more later). Thursday afternoon I was involved in recording for the God Complex Radio show AND the sound check for the Talent Show and missed the Friday run-through. Friday afternoon was quiet, so I packed to get ready to leave Saturday.
In the evenings there was a different event each night. Sunday evening was orientation and a recreation event. During the Sunday rec event I prepped for Monday. Monday’s evening event was the Disco Inferno dance party with glow-in-the-dark everything, and I was prepping for Tuesday. On Tuesday evening I missed the “concert” by Glenis Redmond because I was chatting with a friend who was also at Montreat. Wednesday night’s rec event was a showing of Wall-E, which was rained out and held indoors – I helped out inside for a while and then was sent to “walk around” outside as many youth were out and about. Thursday night’s event was the “Montreat’s Got Talent” show and my back-home group participated (more later). Friday evening’s rec event was early and was the “Hot in Here” karaoke inside and games outside – I “supervised” the bocce ball set.
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Each day had a different theme. Monday’s theme was all about how the World is on Fire – how things are broken. It also included a discussion of safe spaces – using the “tree outside the house that we go to in case of fire” as the metaphor. Tuesday’s theme was Baptism, and how we are called to help fix the world. Wednesday’s theme was Communion, and we talked and identified our communion of saints as our cloud of witnesses. Thursday was Offering, and we talked about offering ourselves as a way to fix the world. We’d also been taking a collection of loose change in a drink bottle during small group, and on Thursday I processed with that at the beginning of worship and placed it with the offering baskets. Friday’s theme was being sent out into the world to fight the fires, and ended with the traditional candlelight circle around Lake Susan.
On Saturday I moved out and joined my back-home group for the 12 hour drive home. I switched off driving with Mike, one of the college students in my back-home group, and we used my vehicle as a baggage car. Mike and I had lots of long talks and got to know each other much better, and I really enjoyed the trip. It went by much faster than I expected and I was awake enough to finish out the drive.
The God Complex Radio show made an appearance. A solid 2/3 of the team was all at Montreat this week – Bruce Reyes-Chow (serving as the conference Co-Director’s husband, not to mention Moderator), Brian Merritt (serving as the leader of the Work Crew), and Heather Scott (working on either Aud or A/V crew – I’m not sure which) were there along with me. Thursday afternoon Brian and I along with Jason Meyers (a college student from my back-home group) set up inside the lobby of Anderson Auditorium and recorded some youth for use in a future God Complex program. On Friday at lunch we set up again at Bruce’s “GA Moderator Town Hall” on the porch of the Galax House and recorded some adults. Those recordings will now be edited and turned into a segment for a future broadcast.
I absolutely LOVED my back-home group, and they loved me. I felt bad that my small group duties kept me away from them, but they showed a lot of care for me in making sure that I was feeling good about my experience. I was nervous about being a small group leader, and I totally felt the support of my PCOL peeps. The group proved to be a fairly easy group to lead and take on a trip – with the biggest problems being things like keeping the house clean.
I also LOVED my small group, and they loved me back. They, too, were very easy to lead. We had a great mix of personalities and ages (including the adults) and that made for a truly great group. Everyone participated and I could clearly see many stepping out of their comfort zones. We had two VERY deep theological discussions early in the week – moving in one discussion from a game that showed that all were part of the same team all the way to a discussion of pluralism vs. the idea that all should be Christian … in 10 minutes! We also discovered a lot of thespian talent in the room in the skits that we did.
On Thursday, the Lawrenceville back-home group performed Jack Johnson’s “Rainbow” with Rich on rhythm guitar, Mike on solo lead guitar, me on bell pepper-shaped shaker, and several of the youth singing. Performing before the 1200 or so Montreat folks was the largest crowd that I’ve EVER perfomed in front of, unless you count playing in the pep band or marching band at college games. Our group was INCREDIBLE. Even more incredible than our group was the overall talent level of the entire set of performers – EVERYBODY was good (and the acts were randomly drawn, so that’s amazing).
There were really only two downsides to the week. First – our group may or may not have brought a cold with us, but over the course of the week many of us had a cold (me towards the end). Second – relatives of one of the year-round residents of Montreat (NOT connected with the conference) were going around all week throwing water balloons and tennis balls at people. Our group was hit with balloons early, and with tennis balls DURING the candlelight service around the lake. The grandparents of the offenders (a mid-20’s man and his nephew) denied everything. I hope that the conference center works with the town to prevent this during other conference weeks.
All in all it was a good week and a tiring week. I almost wish that I’d stayed a second week, but I fear that I’d be all the way out of energy if I had.
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