All Saints Day
It’s All Saints Day.
I’m a little on the young side (at age “something less than 40”), so I haven’t lost a lot of role models to the great beyond. I have, however, lost TRACK of a number of people. Below is a list of people who were involved in my life at a critical moment, keeping me sane or pointing me in the right direction. (My saints) I’m only listing those people who have passed on or who I have lost contact with – those I still know where to find will not appear so please don’t be offended.
And if you’re on the list, I’d love to hear from you again.
Mary June Staples Capps Smith
Mrs. Epstein – my 3rd grade teacher
Walter Schneider
Walter Rosenberger
Gretchen Dater
several campers and counselors in Jr. High units at Camp Johnsonburg
Kim Beardsley
Most of the Work Camp units at Camp Johnsonburg in the mid-80’s
It has designed a number of sleepless nights to adult men all above free cialis the earth. Its goal is to provide our customers with the best online brand W.H.O and FDA approved drugs, i.e. order viagra http://icks.org/html/04_publication.php?cate=INAUGURAL+ISSUE+1997, viagra. Handling an Injured PetThe American Veterinary Medical Association reminds pet owners that injured pets are often scared and confused. levitra store Everyone carries on polite and earnest conversation as if this situation is purchase levitra online very normal. John and Erkie
Katherine Cunningham
Tim Ives
Several members of the Synod Mission Council, Synod of the Northeast, 1986-87
Jessica Sunshine
Jessica Meyerson
Dawn Clarke
Denise Fishburne
Carole McCauley
Dan McDonald
Marj Albright
and others whose names I can’t remember.
I know that I hurt some of you on the list in error or through stupidity. I’m sorry – please know that I am still haunted to this day by my actions.
Your Mouth or Your Ears – Only One Works At A Time
First, a disclaimer. I’m just as guilty as everybody else of what I’m about to write. I’m also getting older, and as a result my wind wanders more than it used to.
In the PC(USA), we’re fighting. It’s over gay ordination, it’s over Biblical inerrancy, it’s over the fundamental question of whether or not the Bible is a rulebook. For this post, it doesn’t matter why we’re fighting. Today we’re gonna talk about HOW we’re fighting.
Each side is alternating name-calling of the other side and arguments meant to convince the other side that they need to change their thinking. I can’t do much here about the former – either you see those with whom you disagree as worthy of respect or you don’t. But the latter CAN be fixed.
It’s a simple idea taught to youth, but forgotten with adults:
When your mouth is open, your ears are closed.
When you are speaking to someone, you are not listening. Pretty simple, eh? The implications go deeper than this.
When you are formulating a response to the other person’s argument in your head, your ears are closed.
We’ve all experienced this. You sit in a meeting at work and somebody says something that you disagree with. You immediately start working on making your rebuttal convincing, waiting for a break in the conversation to get your words in. You’ve STOPPED listening – your brain is someplace else.
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You’ve been there too. You have something to say. You aren’t really listening, you’re like a tiger waiting to pounce at the right moment. You aren’t hearing what the other person is saying, you’re just listening for the silence that you can fit your speech into.
How do we combat this?
More silence. Respect the other person by listening to their argument. Use the silence to allow the ideas to settle in. Formulate your response when you don’t need to be open to what’s going on.
Don’t just speak to fill space. Make your speech meaningful. Have you ever been in a meeting where one person sits quietly in the corner, saying little? When they do speak, does the whole room say “Ahhh. Now I get it”? That person has learned to make a lot of impact with few words. In the future, that person’s utterances will be taken just that little bit more seriously – “He doesn’t say much, but what he does say is worth waiting.” Have you ever been that person? How much more satisfying was it than being the center of attention?
And last – you are NOT going to convince anybody if you call them names. Or use terms that amount to calling them names – that hurt them with something important to them. These are terms like “apostate”, “homophobic”, “Biblically unsound”, “uncaring”. Once you’re angered the other party, you have completely lost the ability to change their minds. Their ears are closed whether they are speaking or not.
Once we stop talking past each other and AT each other, we can talk TO each other. We can learn FROM each other. Then we have a chance at building a better world.
“Because I said so” is rarely convincing.
NJ Gay Activists – Pause While You’re Ahead
Gays and lesbians in NJ are celebrating the Supreme Court decision on Wednesday that will eventually give them the right to marry or enter an equivalent union. However, some don’t believe that the decision goes far enough.
In this article, Steven Goldstein (the head of Garden State Equality) is quoted as saying that he will continue to fight for the term marriage to apply to gays and lesbians until there is “blood on these knuckles”. He continues: “We will outwork, outplay, outthink and demolish the other side”. The Garden State Equality website says:
Those who would view today’s Supreme Court ruling as a victory for same-sex couples are dead wrong. So help us God, New Jersey’s LGBTI community and our millions of straight allies will settle for nothing less than 100% marriage equality. Let decision makers from Morristown to Moorestown, from Maplewood to Maple Shade, recognize that fundamental fact right now.
My day job is that of an IT Project Manager. In both my college days and in the years since, I’ve received training in change management. One fundamental principle of change management is that you must leave those impacted by the change enough time to process the change and make it a part of their world view. Attempting to force a change upon masses who may not agree with the change in a short period of time by fiat is a bad idea – the change is doomed to be actively resisted at best and to fail at worst. The bigger the change, the bigger the amount of time required to process it. Any attempt to force change to happen faster merely causes a backlash against that change. In the workplace that results in passive and aggressive behavior: refusing to use the new process, intentionally working slowly to punish those forcing the change, excessive sick days, negative comments passed behind the backs of those making the change, etc. In society, imagine failure to recognize the change as the best case, with actual violence as the worst case.
When a minority (numerically) wins a victory over the majority, they must behave as a good winner. That means acknowledging the loser’s value even though they have not triumphed, and choosing not to emphasize the loser’s attributes/mistakes/ability. “Yay, we won!” not “Yay, you lost!” Then, the losers need to be given space to grieve for their loss and incorporate the new reality into their worldview. Pressing for the next concession immediately is only going to infuriate those who are already wounded by the decision. That puts them in fight or flight mode, and with societal change flight isn’t really a possibility.
It boosts erection quality and helps to maintain stiffness of the male organ for complete lovemaking act to satisfy your female in bed. tadalafil 20mg india Nowadays, the effective solutions are becoming affordable too as the related agencies are taking steps to make their assistance affordable for reaching to more number order levitra online learningworksca.org of clients. But the impotence is a common disease among the drug of options when dealing with a particular kind of impotence that is difficult to treat using medicine. viagra wholesale uk The problem is not only canada viagra cialis restricted to old men either. This is a huge gain – in NJ in 178 days gays and lesbians will have full spousal rights after getting married/unioned. It’s a complete win in all except the name. Take the win, act gracefully, and if the term “marriage” is really so important come back later and push for it. Come back in 2, 5, 10, 20 years and have the law changed to match what society is (will already be) doing – recognizing gay unions as marriages. And that’s what my title means. It’s not “quit while you’re ahead”, it’s “PAUSE while you’re ahead”. Give the straight, non-supportive community time to process the change in their lives and build a track record where the world doesn’t end when the gay couple next door get married.
Let’s face it, time is on the side of the gay community. Polls show that gay rights are increasingly supported by the public, and that the support is more positive among those who are younger. Time will finally erase the stigma incorrectly applied to non-heterosexuals, but it will take time. Just as it has taken time to reduce racism and gender bias.
Winners have a responsibility to losers to ensure that the loss is not so painful that the losers walk away from the game (or worse, change the rules to cause the winners to lose next time). Losers have a responsibility to accept the loss and act graciously towards winners. Both must do this because next time, they could be on the other side.
This principle is too often lost in today’s society, religion, and politics.
NJ and Gay Marriage
In case you missed it, the NJ Supreme Court made an important ruling on gay marriage yesterday. In a 4-3 vote, the court ruled that while the NJ Constitution does not guarantee the right to “marry” to gay people, the court requires that the NJ legislature in the next 180 days pass laws to give all rights, privileges and responsibilities of married straight couples to committed gay couples. Those include:
- a surname change without petitioning the court (after a marriage or union)
- ownership of property as tenants by the entirety, which would allow for both automatic transfer of ownership on death, and protection against severance and alienation
- survivor benefits under New Jersey’s Workers’ Compensation Act
- back wages owed to a deceased spouse
- compensation available to spouses, children, and other relatives of homicide victims under the Criminal Injuries Compensation Act
- free tuition at any public institution of higher education for surviving spouses and children of certain members of the New Jersey National Guard
- tuition assistance for higher education for spouses and children of volunteer firefighters and first-aid responders
- tax deductions for spousal medical expenses
- an exemption from the realty transfer fee for transfers between spouses
- the testimonial privilege given to the spouse of an accused in a criminal action
- the requirement for an employer to extend health care coverage to a spouse
- statutory leave to care for an ill spouse
- the requirement that a bequest is automatically revoked to a spouse after a divorce
- the requirement for an estate to pay for support and maintenance of a surviving spouse when a will is contested
- parentage, custody, visitation and child support rights when a child is born during a marriage
- support requirements after a divorce (alimony)
It is important to note that the minority set of 3 justices in this case filed a dissent stating that they would prefer to grant marriage rights to homosexuals immediately rather than letting the legislature take action. That means a 7-0 unanimous vote for gay marriage in some form, and a 4-3 split on whether or not to use the word “marriage”.
At least one state legislator has announced her intention to create an amendment to the NJ constitution restricting marriage to one man and one woman. Another legislator has announced his intent to create and amendment to the NJ constitution to specifically redefine marriage to include gay couples. Yet another legislator has announced his intention to impeach all justices involved.
I applaud this ruling. I want to make my feelings and beliefs very clear.
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While growing up, I was subject to the misconceptions and outright lies about gay people told to me by my parents. I remember one conversation in the car at about age 13 in particular – so vividly that I remember exactly where on the street we were when it took place. In that conversation, my parents informed me that all gays were diseased, that they all had sex with anybody and regularly had multiple partners, and that they were all drug addicts. In their defense I will state that we do have one gay cousin on my mother’s side who at the time did fit all of that. My parents’ bigoted attitude is shocking to me, particularly given their more permissive and understanding attitudes towards racial issues, gender issues, and even those of other religions. Since then their attitudes have softened a bit but they are still against homosexuality in general and gay marriage in particular.
Luckily for me, my church activities brought me into contact with homosexual people. At events like the Synod meeting and the Presbyterian Youth Triennium I came in contact with Presbyterians for Lesbian and Gay Concerns (PLGC – now known as More Light Presbyterians). I discovered a group of people who had the same life issues that I had – going to work, buying groceries, changing cat litter, etc. These were folks wrestling with the same issues that I did – issues of faith, issues of life. Unfortunately, these folks also had other issues – being accepted in society, being accepted in the church.
Shortly after that I found that I had some gay friends at college. Again – just regular folks who prefer romantic partners of the same gender. All of the same joys and concerns were there, including building solid romantic relationships with one person and searching for a lifetime partner. The only difference was that I couldn’t talk to others openly about these friends for fear of what others might do to them.
And that has continued until today. I have one good friend that I met through camp who is a lesbian and in the middle of her search for a soulmate. She may have found that soulmate now and I celebrate as I watch that relationship grow. She’s having to make up for lost time – the issues that society (and particularly the church) have with her sexuality have slowed down her personal growth in relationship areas but she’s moving along now and will probably catch up soon.
So – to be clear.
I am in favor of full equal rights for homosexuals. I include bisexuals and transgendered people in that group.
I am in favor of full marriage rights under the name “marriage” for a joining of two people of the same sex.
I am opposed to polygamy.
I feel that polygamy, bestiality and pedophilia are often linked to homosexuality by those whose arguments against homosexuality are weak. This linkage is false.
I am in favor of full rights including marriage for homosexual couples within the church. I have read the biblical arguments for and against. I remain unconvinced that the Bible passages used to prohibit homosexuality are actually speaking of a committed relationship as opposed to temple rituals or prostitution. Additionally, there is clear speech from Jesus regarding marriage, but there is also clear speech from Jesus regarding divorce and we seem to be free to ignore that as well. In short – in the face of contradictory biblical arguments I must go where the Spirit leads me, and that is this position.
I believe that all parties in this debate must learn to speak to each other. The folks at both extremes talk past each other. On the one hand, the gay lobby fails to take into account the beliefs and fears of those who oppose them. On the other hand, the anti-gay lobby fails to take into account God’s creation of gay people, the fallacy of choice of sexuality, and the effect on people’s lives that accusations of antisocial behavior hold.
I look forward to the day that I can attend the wedding in NJ of my friend mentioned above.
Friends in need
I have a few friends in need.
These are folks that I know both in person and through the Internet. Most of us live far enough apart that we don’t see each other often, but we do communicate just about every day (with lots of other people) online.
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So, please pray for/think good thoughts about/send some good karma to my friends A, J and L. (No, they don’t wear black suits and don’t work under a bridge in Brooklyn.)
12 or 19 Years
Twelve years ago today, Carolyn and I were married at St. Anthony of Padua church in Butler, NJ.
Nineteen years ago today, Carolyn and I had our first date, attending a showing of Monty Python and the Holy Grail at the Rutgers University Student Center in New Brunswick, NJ.
Follow your doctor’s recommendations on how to monitor and manage – and they must teach their children to do so as well. price of viagra pills The possible insufficiency of the sphincter in the urethra when cialis mastercard a man is getting his penis pierced.) Sounding originally was developed as a way to obtain lower price drugs, you ought to be doing that too. But free viagra no prescription the availability of Kamagra tablets let these patients take a sigh of relief. You will need to focus on clearly defined processes that work on the 5 key functions (or dysfunctions as they are often refered to) necessary for achieving truly effective teamwork. viagra prices important site We’re still happy.
(This is being time-posted. We have better things to think about today than blogging.)
Presbyopic Presbyterian
As I mentioned last week, I have aged sufficiently that I now need reading glasses. I picked them up last night.
I’m still adjusting. They worked really well reading in bed last night. Today I’m using them with the computer. I’m getting minor headaches, but I suspect that’s just my brain adjusting. I’m also still learning all of the “glasses” stuff like how not to forget them, how to keep them clean, when to use and when not to use them (these readers make anything beyond computer monitor distance blurry). Any suggestions are appreciated.
This is gonna be a busy end of week and next week.
Tonight – NJ Devils home opener (which we are likely to skip – Carolyn is a bit sick)
Tomorrow evening – Trenton Titans season ticket pickup party
Saturday – Camp Johnsonburg fundraising golf tournament
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Sunday – Carolyn and my 12th wedding anniversary
Tuesday – ASME Trenton Section (Carolyn is a member) dinner – “Great Engineering Disasters”
Thursday – open house for employee families at my office (with free food)
Saturday 10/21 – the first day of New Member Classes for church, plus a cross-country flight in the afternoon for my flight training
I need one of those double-wicked candles.
Back to the Old Days
Yesterday … North Korea successfully tested a nuclear weapon. (CNN Article)
For years and years, Americans grew up knowing that their world could end at any moment, ended by a nuclear war. From the 1940’s and 1950’s through 1989, Russia and China were the nuclear enemies.
In 1989, the Berlin Wall came down. This was the end of communism in Europe, and later in the Soviet Union (now called Russia, for the most part). In 1994, Russia announced that their nuclear weapons were no longer sitting on the pad pre-aimed at the United States. The nuclear sword of Damocles that had hung over our heads since birth was no longer a threat.
Albert Maysles is the master of letting the true personality of his subjects shine through, as is the case with the wonderfully eccentric Beales of canada viagra sales Grey Gardens or the door-to-door Bible salesmen in Salesman, and even presidential hopeful, John F. Some student viagra online online https://www.unica-web.com/archive/2018/unica2018-entries.html newspapers therefore offer as high as $50,000 to an appropriate woman who’s willing to donate eggs (has to be below 29 years of age. Kamagra contains active ingredient Sildenafil citrate that is one generic levitra pill reason for the researcher to get IGF-DES. They should be backed by a team unica-web.com tadalafil purchase online of experts having a medical background, which is well-versed with the standards and guidelines laid down by the industry.
Today, Russia is fairly stable and a sometimes-ally of the United States. China is a major trading partner with the US and currently not considered a direct threat (though their industrialization shows that this may change in the future). The other nuclear powers (United Kingdom, France, Israel, India, Pakistan) are not considered to be threats to the United States. With today’s test, North Korea is the first nation considered an enemy of the United States to have nuclear weapons. The Sword is back.
I feel most for those born after the early 1980’s. These kids and young adults were born without the fear of imminent nuclear annihilation. The rest of us “knew” that at any moment, somebody might do something somewhere and that the result would be a bright flash and then whatever your religious beliefs say happens. These youngsters are dealing with it for the first time.
Don’t worry – life goes on. You just have to assume that today is not that day.
I’m old
Went to the eye doctor last night.
I was having some headaches at work since the move. They’ve mostly subsided, leading me to believe that rather than a vision problem they were caused by outgassing carpets, cubicles, and new A/C system (the building was completely renovated for us). However, my near vision has been getting farther away. I can read without trouble, but after a while it gets tiring.
The eye doctor concluded that I have no glaucoma and that my vision had declined from an above-average 20/15 to just 20/20 now. My near focal distance has increased.
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I’m old.
(And yes, I know that many of you have been wearing glasses for years. This is more about the degradation of my vision due to age than it is about vision in general.)
Things that Annoy Me
I was a bit grumpy on the way to work today. Here are a few things that annoy me.
- People who spend a lot of time finding fault in other people’s personal decisions, particularly the things that other people do in private.
- People who drive across the painted lines in parking lots to get to “their” spot quicker.
- Those blister-pack plastic product containers that are really just two pieces of clear plastic slammed together and heated. The kind that batteries or most consumer electronics cables come in. The kind that require the use of scissors and inevitably cause cuts on hands.
- The fact that my metabolism is slowing down as I get older, forcing me to reduce intake of tasty stuff.
- Weeds.
- The fact that grass grows fastest in the spring and fall. Seems counter-intuitive – I’d expect it to grow faster in the summer. It’s just not right that shorter days means longer lawn-cutting times.
- The fact that election campaign slogans are now at the level of 5 year-olds. “Linda Stender is a big spender” repeated over and over – Mike Ferguson‘s campaign radio commercial.
- The fact that there are NO decent candidates for public office.
- There’s just not enough time to snuggle with my wife and cats on cold, rainy days.
- The fact that kids today are taught to be afraid of men without visible children. It bugs me when the kids in my neighborhood stop riding their bicycles just because I’m our riding mine.
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