Hurt by the church, and always looking over your shoulder

December 18, 2007 by · 4 Comments
Filed under: Religion 

Many inactives (a percentage nearing 50%, if anecdotal evidence is accurate) have left because they feel (rightly or wrongly) that they have been hurt by the church.  I’m one of them.  (Read my story HERE for more)

I know that this makes it hard to return.  I’m slowly realizing that the perception of abuse creates a barrier to trust.

I find that I’m constantly on the lookout for behaviors that exemplify the reasons that I left.  I’m watching for extremist and exclusionary beliefs.  I’m watching for people using positions of power for their own purposes.  I’m watching for the use of labels (racist, homophobe) to stifle alternative points of view.

For the most part, I’m finding these things nationally.  Presbyterian blogs of late are very partisan and inflammatory.  The impulse to shout down and control the other party is stronger than the impulse to embrace the other party – from both the right and left.  This is no surprise and it is a disappointment.

Locally, I’m not seeing it as much.  Sure, there’s the woman on one committee who states her opinion as if it were held by many others (a majority, even).  Of course there are abrasive personalities.  There is passive/aggressive behavior (and I find myself drawn into it sometimes).  It’s there, but at a lower level than I experienced before I left the church.

Yet, I’m still looking over my shoulder.  I find myself waiting for the straw that breaks the camel’s back.  I think about whether or not the latest minor upset (or major upset in the case of national/Internet Presbyterian politics) is enough to make me break.  So far, not yet.
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When does the mainly positive experience build up to the point where you start feeling safe?  When can you let your guard down?

I’m beginning to think that once you’ve been hurt by the church, that point never comes.  Your sense of safety can increase, but you never reach the threshold of “safe”.  Your innocence is lost.

And still I plod along.

Two other thoughts:  First – this does not hold me back from being honest and open.  A key part of my sense of self is that I MUST be honest and open, and that hiding your thoughts/feelings/ideas for temporary gain is actually a form of dishonesty.  Second – I LOVE working with the youth group in part because they are ALWAYS honest, blunt, and frank.  The combination of being unafraid to say anything combined with the love that our youth show us and each other is precious.  I wish I could get back there again myself.

(Lest anyone think that I consider my experiences on the same level as those who have experienced real abuse – physical, mental or otherwise – please understand that I’m not.  There are parts of my past that get near that line but not to the level of many.  I am both glad that it hasn’t been that bad for me and sad/upset/frustrated that is IS that bad for others.)

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