Fear and the Visitor/New Member
When we held the Reconnecting with Faith retreat this past January, one of the questions that we asked the group was “What is keeping you from getting involved/more involved in a faith community?”
The word “fear” came up multiple times. I’ll try to describe the different sides of that fear, in the hope that by understanding it, those responsible for working with visitors and new members can help reduce its effects.
One important caveat: The visitor or new member has both a fragile faith and fragile sense of self within the church. I am purposely avoiding any judgment of those visitors. The time for judgment of the appropriateness of a person’s attitude or beliefs is when they are being considered for membership or higher office, not when they first come in the door.
Fear of Acceptance/Rejection
Here’s a situation that may or may not have happened to you personally. I’m sure that you have enough relevant experience to understand the emotions.
Let’s say that you are 13 years old. You’ve just moved to a new town (possibly in a different part of the country). It’s your first day of school. You’ve managed to survive the morning classes, and maybe you’ve made a friend or two. Most of the people around you are strangers, and they may or may not see you as strange. It’s lunchtime. You’ve gotten your lunch, and you’re standing at the side of the cafeteria looking for someplace to sit and eat. Do you find a table by yourself? Do you hope that somebody will invite you to join them? Do you dare to ask to join a table where others are already seated and talking? Will you be called a freak?
That’s what going to a new church feels like to a visitor who is looking for a church or considering the possibility of going to church. A 30-something man or woman (or couple, maybe with kids) is reduced in an instant to a gawky 13-year-old in a new school. Do you take a seat in the back pew to hide? Will someone invite you to sit with them? You may remember the service from the church you grew up in (or attended last week), but there are creeds in the bulletin that you don’t have memorized – that you’ve never heard of. Do you stand or sit during the 2nd hymn? Oh my, it’s Communion Sunday and there are no trays up front. How do I take Communion? Do they even want me to take Communion?
(This leaves out one of my personal fears – what happens when they hear how badly I sing? Ha.)
Once the service ends, will someone talk to me? Do I want them to? Should I go to coffee hour?
In my search for a church to return to, I experienced all of these fears. In some churches I was ignored (notably in the church that I ultimately joined – they had a bad day). In some churches I was smothered with attention. At least once I got a dirty look for daring to inhabit the chosen pew of a family.
In some churches I was treated well. I was welcomed, people asked about me and why I came. People talked to me during coffee hour. I felt at home.
It’s tough wondering if you will be accepted.
Fear of Commitment
The lack of a church experience in your life often leaves a hole. For some its a big hole. For others its a little hole. Something (or someone – like your child) is pushing you to look into joining (or rejoining) a church. Maybe it’s God. Maybe it’s just you. Maybe you don’t know.
At the same time, you have a routine. Your Sunday mornings have been free (and often free from the need to get up early). Your checkbook has not felt the pinch of a weekly donation. Your Sunday evening, Tuesday morning, Wednesday evening, etc are free from church committee meetings, bible studies, youth group, etc.
At some time, you will be called upon to make a commitment to God (and Christ if you choose a Christian church). That commitment is one of money, time and talents. You’ll sacrifice some free time and some personal resources. You may be prepared to do so.
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“What will they expect of me?” “What am I getting myself into?” – I’ve said both of those through the course of my return to the church. (I’m pretty sure I said at least one of those this past weekend.)
During the Reconnecting with Faith retreats, we heard complaints about expectations around personal resources. We heard of one church where financial contributions (including supporting the church school) were essentially mandatory. In one case, a woman who was young and had done youth work, and who also plays guitar, related her experience visiting a church. The pastor talked to her after church, and as he learned of her particular abilities was obviously mentally putting her on committees. “Oh, you can help with the youth group.” “You play guitar, we can sure use your help with the contemporary service.” This woman was scared off by the demands placed on the first day visitor.
What will they demand of me? – this is the question.
One extra note here – “We’d love to see you next week” sounds coercive to some. “We’d love to see you again” is a better choice.
Fear of Special Circumstances
In our retreats, we had a few people who had different reasons to be worried about being judged. We had someone who is gay. We had at least one person going through a divorce. We had several who had been away from the church for a long time (like me).
The church (in my opinion, to its detriment) is very good at making snap judgments of people based on their traits and/or personal situations. Homosexuality, divorce, age, marital status, even time away from the church are all things that can cause church people to “look down their noses”. I’ve experienced it with my long-time absence from the church (though that came more from church people in my own family).
Remember what I wrote above about fear of acceptance or rejection. Add these special factors and what do you get? A 13-year-old who is nervous about a new situation, but who also feels (rightly or wrongly) that they are wearing a target on their shirt. It’s like there’s a scarlet letter on your shirt – G for gay, D for divorced, I for inactive, O for old.
The good news here is that a church that is intentional in its welcome to visitors can get past these fears. Sometimes it means broadcasting your acceptance (and in some cases, the boundary of what you will accept) – in the website, in the bulletin. Sometimes it just means listening to each person’s special circumstances and being clear on the church’s position while loving the person. “We’d love to have you come back again” sends a strong message to someone who has laid their cards on the table. “We’re glad that you visited, but our church has problems with {homosexuality, divorce}” is better than letting someone attend on a regular basis and run into that particular wall should they choose to pursue membership.
Fear of “What Happened Before”
In the retreats nearly 1/2 (or possibly more than 1/2) of the participants were able to point to one or more specific incidents that caused them to leave the church or consider leaving the church. These incidents cover the entire spectrum of church activity. Some mentioned a specific theological concept (or more than one) where they differed from the church (that they belong/belonged to). Some mentioned “people behaving badly” in church – rude, insensitive, political behavior or even in one case physical abuse. Others mentioned a focus on money and donations to the exclusion of theology.
Each of those people is experiencing or has experienced pain at the hands of the church. Some of that might be considered self-inflicted. Some is just “one of those things” (like a theological split from their church).
The key is to recognize that pain, and help the person get it out of their system. This is what we do at the Reconnecting with Faith retreat (among other things). It is not appropriate to fish for this in a visitor, but when it does come out the church and particularly those involved with visitors and new members should be prepared to handle it.
Conclusions
People walking in the door for the first time are usually nervous. The church generates fear in them to some degree. A church is most successful at attracting and retaining visitors when it can help visitors get past that fear.
Reconnecting with Faith – one at a time
I have a co-worker who wanted to attend the Reconnecting with Faith – Finding Your Home retreat in January. Unfortunately, she couldn’t afford an entire weekend away from home.
So I’m giving her the “Home Game” version of the retreat over several lunches. In the interest of confidentiality I can’t reveal much about her story and situation.
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I’ll let you know how it goes at the end. If this works, we might be able to turn the retreat into a program that can be used by churches with individuals or small groups over time. The key to making it work is a willingness to let go and drop the assumption that ONE particular congregation, denomination, or even faith tradition is right for everybody. You may believe that there is one right faith, but simply being insistent about it to a sojourner is more likely to backfire than build a disciple. Slow and gentle is the way to go. If you really are right about your choice, they will come around and agree.
What is keeping potential new members from getting involved
In today’s post, we look at this question:
What is holding you back from getting involved/more involved in a faith community?
The caveats about the makeup of the retreat group found here apply.
The retreat participants indicated at least some interest in getting involved in a new spiritual community by the fact that they registered for and attended the retreat. This answers the questions of “why haven’t you gotten involved” or “why haven’t you gotten more involved”.
- Inertia
- Fear (of acceptance and other things)
- Laziness
- Lame excuses
- Fear of commitment
- Indifference
- “My Will or God’s Will?” (lack of clarity – am I making this change for me or for God?)
- Family and tradition pressures (am I tied to a particular church or denomination because it would kill Mom/Dad/Grandma if I changed?)
- Church not meeting our expectations
- Fear of rejection
- Don’t need the community
- Mileage/proximity/distance
- Other commitments (time mainly)
- Being in a pigeonhole (being labeled due to traits like age, marital status, sexual orientation, race, etc)
- Scheduling (services, other activities, day vs. evening)
- Needing to feel invited
- Allowing space for other spiritual opportunities
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This list is a bit short, mainly due to the fact that it was the last one covered in a brainstorm session and time was a bit short.
This concludes the series on what potential new members are thinking.
What potential New Members want to avoid in a spiritual community
Yesterday, we spoke of what potential new members were looking for in a new spiritual community.
Today, we get a smaller list of things that those same potential new members are looking to avoid when choosing a new church.
All caveats about the makeup of the group found here apply.
It’s important to note that the group started out by saying “This list is the opposite of the Want list.” They felt that we could have taken everything on the Want list and try to avoid the opposite. That’s the main reason that this list is short.
Fear was mentioned more than once. From my memory, it was the use of fear as a motivating factor by the church and/or preacher against the parishioners. This covered beliefs, required service and/or monetary contributions, and internal politics. Another aspect that was mentioned was fear of change within the church. A few members of the group had gone through some serious internal church conflicts (the phrase “level 5” was used by at least one Presbyterian in the group who’d been through that conflict).
- Fear and zealots (fear is defined as “you must believe this or else” and using fear as a motivation for a particular belief)
- Exclusion (of anyone, but particularly of identifiable groups like race, gender, sexual orientation, age, etc)
- Old regime (a small group in charge, has always been in charge, and will not relinquish control)
- Pulpit politics (mainly non-church issues)
- Participation by guilt (church and committees)
- Irrelevance to my life
- $$$ focus (fundraising for the linked parochial school was mentioned here, but it covers more territory than that. Being valued by how much money you give.)
- Hopelessness – joy for what IS (being caught up in talking about how bad it is that we are not X {bigger, getting along better} rather than celebrating what we ARE)
- Not open to new ideas or change
- Sense that community can only exist within those four walls
- Unwelcoming – lack of warmth (including not talking to and welcoming visitors)
- “Stuck in the Mud”, “Way we’ve always done it” and “We’ve
Tried that before” - Avoid ritualistic traditions with no purpose
- Emphasis on money
- Focus on growth of buildings (build congregation first)
- Being pigeonholed (being identified as a particular type of person based on traits or history)
- Ties/formality of dress
- Lack of flexibility with expectations
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Again, this was simply a brainstorm to allow people to figure out what they are looking for and looking to avoid when choosing a new church or spiritual community. No analysis was done as to the feasibility of any of these ideas or their faithfulness.
What potential New Members want in a spiritual community
The first question asked of the group was:
What Are You Looking For in a Spiritual Community?
The following are responses to the brainstorm. Some may be repetitive and others are contradictory (different people want different things). I will amplify a few that were better communicated in person.
- Involvement (personal experiences)
- Welcoming fellowship – embracing
- Connection, belonging – “Cheers” – NORM! (the quote from the TV show – want to feel known and appreciated)
- Recharging/revitalizing
- Awe – mystery – presence
- Non-exclusion (this covered a lot of territory including race, age, gender, and sexuality)
- Family programs
- Variety in music
- Flexible service times (it’s hard for some to make 10am/11am Sunday)
- Positive agenda (build up people)
- Personal relevance
- Location (close to home, mainly)
- Facility comfort/aesthetics/accommodations
- Continuity in tradition
- History
- Safe space – intentional (meaning that the community work intentionally to generate a safe space for members to be open and honest without fear of politics and reprisal)
- Framework to do good works
- Opportunity to share one anothers’ journeys on a deeper level
- Alternative timing/schedules
- Green – eco-conscious
- Youth programs/young adult (this and Sunday School were important even to people who had no children and didn’t plan to have any)
- Over 30, No Children – fill that hole (this is the feeling that churches have programs for youth and young adults, programs for children and families, and programs for older adults but nothing for this group)
- Diversity/acceptance
- Inspiring Sunday message – NOT political (political meaning non-church issues)
- No discount (this is a core value of the camp where the retreat was held. It means no discounting others or yourself)
- Direct service in the community
- Intergenerational relationships (the person mentioned a church that paired up older adults as “foster grandparents” for new members)
- Welcoming community
- Accepting people as they are (we talked a bit about dress and “come as you are” as well as accepting people around other traits)
- Empowering people to serve rather than trying to fill
offices - Pastoral care
- Diversity in services
- Ceremony & ritual
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Remember that this is what this group of people WANT in a church. There was no discussion around whether or not these ideas were practical or fit within the belief structure of the church in question. The primary purpose of asking the question was to get the participants thinking about what they should evaluate when looking at potential church homes.
Inside the heads of potential members
In the next few days, I will present some information from the Reconnecting with Faith – Finding Your Home retreat. I do so in the hopes that it will be useful to churches and new member programs in particular.
The information results from brainstorming done by the participants of the most recent retreat. There are three sets of information:
- What are potential members looking for?
- What are potential members looking to avoid?
- What is stopping you [the retreaters] from getting involved or more involved in a faith community?
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Please keep in mind that this was a small group (about 10) in New Jersey. The needs in your area may be different. Also, this group was concentrated in the 20-40 age group, though we had representation of older folks. This group was predominantly white and middle class as well. A few of the participants were coming from a non-Presbyterian Christian denomination.
New Members in Mission
Quotidian Grace writes about her recent experience attending a new member’s class at another church. (I’m not entirely clear on whether she is changing churches or just sitting in – she’s the moderator-elect of her presbytery.)
The really interesting part of her experience is the Saturday “workday” that they did. The new members were taken to one of the church’s outreach agencies to work for a 1/2 day. They did the usual mission work – packing sack lunches, working in the Thrift Shop. At the end of the day they heard about other mission opportunities (and learned even more in the regular Sunday session the next day).
The group even made sure that they were thanked and given pictures (electronically) of them working.
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We got an overview of mission opportunities at the Lawrenceville church new member class. We even got to see most of the internal ones just before the classes started at the annual stewardship fair (and the new class just got to see the external ones yesterday at the annual mission fair). But we didn’t actually roll up our sleeves and do something. The new member class was a nice way to get slightly acquainted with some of the other new members, but I would have really liked the chance to get to know people in the way that only happens when you work on something together.
Kudos to the Memorial Drive Presbyterian Church in Houston!
Reconnecting with Faith – Finding Your Home retreat 2007 – How’d it go?
The Reconnecting with Faith – Finding Your Home retreat was a big success this past weekend at Camp Johnsonburg!
We had 10 paying participants, plus 4 staff (and a few other camp folks floating in and out during the weekend). The participants were a very diverse group in several dimensions. We had people from age 20-something to age “I don’t want to guess and be wrong”. We had people in churches, people not in churches, and people looking at alternatives to Christianity. We had some racial diversity. We had theological diversity in that we had folks all along the spectrum from conservative to progressive. Most of us came from a Presbyterian (PCUSA) background, and there were a few Catholics in the group. We had 3 couples, a few singles, and a few married folks whose spouses didn’t attend.
The weather was a bit cold (particularly Friday, though it wasn’t the 4-degree F cold that the camp folks had to put up with before we arrived Friday morning). There was just the right amount of snow on the ground; we got a little each night – just enough to cover the ground but not enough to slow us down. The lake was frozen over except for an oval about 1/3 of the size of the lake. The geese and swans were camped out on the frozen part.
We began the weekend by doing some get-to-know-you games Friday evening, followed by some fellowship and food time. We also outlined the Johnsonburg standard core values of “No Discount” (of yourself or others), “Challenge by Choice” and Permission-Giving. Because some of the participants knew each other outside of the retreat and the knowledge that someone might want to leave their church could be dangerous in the wrong hands, we added a new rule – “What happens at Johnsonburg stays at Johnsonburg”.
Saturday morning, we had a very emotional and uplifting session where each group member was able to tell the story of their faith journey. These stories brought the group even closer together and allowed each to unburden themselves of the reasons that they might be looking to join a church or switch churches or leave the church. A participant said it best: “Mark and I can’t really do justice to the beauty of the stories that were told at the retreat this weekend.”
Saturday afternoon we did some brainstorming: what people wanted in a faith community, what people were looking to avoid in a faith community, and what stumbling blocks were keeping them from making progress in discerning whether or not to join a faith community and if so, which. This session provided some good ideas for each person when they are considering a new faith community.
Saturday afternoon we had some free time. Some of us took a 4-mile hike along the Yellow and Red Trails, while others connected with each other, relaxed, or even napped. The camp canteen was open for a while so that folks could purchase a souvenir of their retreat experience.
Saturday evening, we completed the afternoon activity by brainstorming ideas on how to look for a new church. Use of the Internet, friends, neighbors, coworkers, church visits, church staff and other resources were highlighted. Those who had taken this route before were able to add their own experience to the bounty of ideas.
We then experienced a fascinating lecture – Spirituality 101. In 90 minutes, our retreat’s minister leader went through the breadth of spiritual options in the world, along with the options within Christianity and the historical reasons for the number of denominations that we have. It was amazing – I’ve had full semester religion classes that contained less information than this presentation.
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Later Saturday evening we had food and fellowship again, with S’mores and Banana Boats cooked on the fireplace in the dining hall.
Sunday morning after breakfast (including a wonderful body prayer for grace) we began with Quiet Time. A number of the group ventured out into the cold to walk the camp’s outdoor labyrinth in the quiet stillness of the sunny winter morning.
We followed that with a worship service planned by the retreat participants WITHOUT the aid of the religious professionals. The service was very camp-like and yet still had all of the reverence of a church service.
After worship we concluded with evaluations, lunch, and an invitation to enjoy the camp facilities for the rest of the day.
For this retreat, the people ARE the program. I’d like to thank the folks pictured above for their wonderful contributions. I’d also like to thank all of them for the mutual respect that we all felt – in this era of Christians tearing each other apart we were able to assemble a group from all parts of the spectrum who worked together to help each other while respecting the conscience of each of us.
I’d also like to thank the Johnsonburg staff who helped plan/staff/support the retreat – including Lorelei, Kurt, Alicia, Harry, Josh, Shelly, and everybody else. Additionally, I’d like to thank Dave Myers, who served as our minister-in-residence and all-around expert on things religious.
Based on feedback received, there’s a pretty good chance that we’ll try to do this retreat again. Watch this space or the camp website sometime this fall for more information. As I’ve stated before, any suggestions on how to advertise this retreat to the target audience (particularly those NOT in a church at the moment) would be appreciated.
If you have any questions about this retreat, please feel free to contact Lorelei at the camp or me.
Off for the Weekend
Carolyn and I will be headed up to Camp Johnsonburg for the weekend for the 2nd Reconnecting with Faith – Finding Your Home retreat (which I’ve written about here and here).
We’ve got a good group – about an even split between last year’s group coming back for followup and new folks (including a few new to the camp). Carolyn and I are going up early Friday afternoon to meet with the camp folks and finish the planning, and then the rest of the crowd arrives in the evening. It’ll be COLD (a high of 17F is predicted Friday at camp), but the group will be warm.
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See you next week!
Reconnecting with Faith retreat update
We’ve finally determined the cost for the Reconnecting with Faith – Finding Your Home retreat January 26-28, 2007.
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