A Sad Story

September 27, 2011 by
Filed under: Life, Religion, Youth 

Last night I was watching an anime (You’re Under Arrest season 3 – the story of a traffic patrol shift in a Tokyo district) episode that featured the story of a high school girl who died while crossing the street against the light, hurrying to tell the guy that she had admired from afar of her interest.  One of the traffic police who stars in the series found her diary near the accident scene, and later learned that the boy also liked her.

This brought to mind a story from my own past, which I don’t think I’ve ever told here.  My memory of events 26 years ago is fuzzy, so some dates or events may be wrong.

In December of 1984, my youth pastor asked me to consider attending an overnight retreat for youth from the presbytery (at the time I was in Tenafly, so this was Palisades Presbytery).  At this retreat the youth were led through a program about leadership development with the purpose of meeting and evaluating each other and then in the morning – choosing the Youth Advisory Delegates to the General Assembly, Synod, and Presbytery Council.  One youth was allowed from each church; there were about 15 or 20 of us at the retreat.  At the time I was a high school junior, and recently elected to be ordained as a Deacon in late January.

At the retreat I met many wonderful people.  One of the earlier activities was taking and evaluating and understanding the Myers-Briggs Temperament Test.  This was the first of many times that I took this test, and I ended up being an INFP.  Later in the evening, some of us spent time chatting and bonding and discovered that we were all INFP’s – and I’ve since found that INFP’s tend to find each other at events like this, drawn together.

One of these INFP’s was Jessica Berg.  Jessica was a year older than me, a senior from Ridgewood, NJ.  She was an Elder serving on their session at the time.  She and I just clicked – that kind of natural friendship where you feel like you’ve been friends all of your lives.  We bonded that evening over laughter and late night discussions with others.

In the morning we had elections for the positions.  First we elected a YAD and Alternate to the General Assembly (national) meeting.  A girl from another church was chosen as the YAD, and Jessica came in second.  I remember her being devastated.  She was given the option to step aside from the Alternate position to stand for Synod YAD, but chose to stay as Alternate.  The second election was for the Synod (regional) YAD, who ended up being me.   In some ways, these months were the start of my journey that has me at Princeton Seminary today.

In January, my youth pastor arranged an overnight retreat for our youth group and the Ridgewood youth group at our church.  (I suspect some match-making here, but I could be wrong.)  We had a great evening, and I found myself being very interested in Jessica.  I had her phone number.  It took me a long time to get up the courage to call her and ask her out.  For a while it was “I’ll call tomorrow”.

Finally I decided early in the week to call and ask her out on a Wednesday evening.  Earlier in the week was out because I was busy with one thing or another (probably Stage Crew, music, or church).

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I was numb.  I don’t think I reacted correctly to this news.  According to my memory I was not sad, not in a crying heap.  I was just quiet.

On the following Sunday, I was ordained as a Deacon.  That evening Jessica’s memorial service was held at her church.  At that age, I was not ready to handle death well (indeed, I chose to skip my grandmother’s out-of-state funeral later), and I didn’t attend – choosing to go to my own youth group instead (volleyball with the local Catholic church group).  I still regret this decision.

Ultimately I went on to attend the Synod meeting, which continued my heavy involvement in the church.  In June, the presbytery meeting was held at my church and I attended in order to see the report of the YAD who went to General Assembly, and to prepare for my attendance at Synod in June.  (Ironically, during that meeting I ended up having dinner at the table of the General Assembly Moderator.)  Also during the meeting there was a report from the presbytery folks about youth programs.  Pictures of the retreat to choose YADs were shown, including some of me and some of Jessica.  And one of me and Jessica, with her wearing a silly hat that I brought to the retreat that looked like a bear’s head.  I still have that hat.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I’d called sooner.  Jessica was pretty clearly on a seminary/ministry trajectory.  She planned to attend Rutgers that fall; at the time I did not know that I would start at Rutgers a year later.

About a year later when I was at Rutgers I met another member of the Ridgewood High School class of 1985.  She showed me her yearbook, and the page tribute to Jessica.  This friend from my floor at Rutgers ultimately introduced me to my wife Carolyn, right about the time that I saw the yearbook.

For a long time, every January 22nd I would remember and say a prayer for Jessica.  As the years have gone by I have forgotten a time or two.  But I’ve never forgotten her.  And to a tiny degree, she is a part of my faith journey that has led me to seminary.

Be at peace, Jessica.  You are not forgotten.


11 Comments on A Sad Story

  1. Candi Vernon on Tue, 27th Sep 2011 6:16 pm
  2. You don’t think you reacted correctly? Let go of that right now. People rarely dissolved into a crying heap when they first hear news like that, even though it happens all the time on tv and in the movies. Grief just isn’t like that. At first we just can’t believe it’s true (even when the death is expected.) You reacted absolutely correctly, although there is no ONE correct way to react. It’s also perfectly normal to continue to think about her and wonder what if. I say that knowing you married a wonderful woman and have made a life for yourself. Be glad you had the chance to know this girl for a little while and that you have had the courage to go on live your own life.

  3. Mark on Tue, 27th Sep 2011 6:19 pm
  4. Thanks, Candi.

    I made my peace with this a long time ago. It was just brought to mind last night by the anime episode that I watched. I felt called to write a blog post about it.

  5. Steven on Fri, 5th Oct 2012 12:35 am
  6. I was a classmate of Jessica’s – RHS class of 1985. She really was one of the nice ones in our class. Just genuinely nice, sincere, authentic and very friendly. She loved flannel shirts! Don’t ask me why that sticks out in my mind – it just does. I do remember quite well the day she passed, and I pause to remember her each time I pass through that awfully designed grade crossing near the HoHoKus train station. I often think if only she had just paused a few seconds longer, or somehow distinguished the sound of the northbound train coming from the southbound train that was passing through around the same time, imagine how much different things would be today? What a loss.

  7. Tania B. on Sun, 7th Oct 2012 2:09 pm
  8. Just read “A Sad Story” by Mark, about Jessica Berg.
    I was two years behind her in school at Ridgewood High, but she was a good friend of mine from choir at West Side Church. I remember the night she died; she was actually driving to church choir rehearsal (not from). The minister came in and told us what happened. I cried harder than anyone else in the choir. She was such a nice person. It’s good to read about how she touched your life, too. –Tania B.

  9. Mark on Sun, 7th Oct 2012 10:07 pm
  10. Steven and Tania,

    Thank you for commenting, and for sharing your memory of Jessica with me. I appreciate it.

    Tania – I have made the correction that you suggest.

  11. Andrew Berg on Thu, 22nd Jan 2015 7:41 pm
  12. Hi Mark.

    This is Jessica Berg’s brother (2 years younger). Thank you very much for this! This being 30 years since we lost her, I never realized how much I had forgotten about who she was. One of her classmates posted your blog today and I want to say a big THANK YOU! I wish I had come across it years ago. I would love to hear more about her from the aspects of her life that I was not involved. Send an email whenever.

    All the best,
    Andrew Berg

  13. Laurissa on Thu, 22nd Jan 2015 10:16 pm
  14. Thank you Mark. I just saw this when a classmate posted it. I was a classmate of Jessica’s, and I considered her a friend. She remains a big part of my good memories of high school. We worked on that yearbook you mentioned together; she encouraged me to to be a part of it. I only wish we had been able to finish it together.

  15. Susan on Thu, 21st Apr 2016 9:57 pm
  16. Hi Mark. I was a year behind Jessica at Ridgewood High School, but we were friends and classmates in 1984-1985. I have searched fruitlessly online for information about her and her death for many years. Thank you for posting this sweet memory.

  17. Laurie Minieri on Sun, 10th Jan 2021 10:53 pm
  18. So I just came upon this story. Jessica Berg was one of my BEST friends at West Side Pres.; the kind of friend that weeks could go by with barely a contact (life before cell phones). When I got the call that night from our other best friend, I literally fell to my knees and sobbed for days (no kidding). At that memorial service, I sobbed so much that my choir director told me to pull myself together, which I, of. Purse, couldn’t. Actually, I fell into a deep sadness for months.
    Coming across your memories and the follow-up comments, I am reminded of what an impact Jess had on those around her. I also know for a fact that she had no idea of that at the time. I still miss my friend, of course, but her spirit dwells within me.

  19. An early friend 😊 on Fri, 6th May 2022 8:36 pm
  20. Jessica was a friend of mine in our younger years. We always had such fun together playing at her house!! We grew apart, I believe b/c we just did not see each other in classes at school. Guessing, she was in the higher level classes than I was. Such a tragic loss of a truly beautiful soul!! I was deeply saddened when I heard of her passing.

  21. Laurie (Peterson) Minieri on Fri, 9th Jun 2023 6:04 pm
  22. I don’t know if anyone still checks this out, but Jessica came to mind today as I was reminiscing the 80’s. Jessica was one of my best friends from church. I was a yr or two older, but we had met at youth group and spent much time together. I still miss her and wonder what she would have accomplished had her life not been cut short. I was one of those that received a call, probably after choir practice, that night and did wail so loudly that my mom came running. We hadn’t spoken much since the holidays just because of life’s commitment and I carried that guilt for a long time. I did go to the memorial service and sobbed through every song. I remember the choir director commanding me to get it together, but there was no way that I could. I often forget the exact date. My brain simply blocked many things out from that time.
    I am thankful to have stumbled upon this today and wish you all peace and love.

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