A Sad Story
Last night I was watching an anime (You’re Under Arrest season 3 – the story of a traffic patrol shift in a Tokyo district) episode that featured the story of a high school girl who died while crossing the street against the light, hurrying to tell the guy that she had admired from afar of her interest. One of the traffic police who stars in the series found her diary near the accident scene, and later learned that the boy also liked her.
This brought to mind a story from my own past, which I don’t think I’ve ever told here. My memory of events 26 years ago is fuzzy, so some dates or events may be wrong.
In December of 1984, my youth pastor asked me to consider attending an overnight retreat for youth from the presbytery (at the time I was in Tenafly, so this was Palisades Presbytery). At this retreat the youth were led through a program about leadership development with the purpose of meeting and evaluating each other and then in the morning – choosing the Youth Advisory Delegates to the General Assembly, Synod, and Presbytery Council. One youth was allowed from each church; there were about 15 or 20 of us at the retreat. At the time I was a high school junior, and recently elected to be ordained as a Deacon in late January.
At the retreat I met many wonderful people. One of the earlier activities was taking and evaluating and understanding the Myers-Briggs Temperament Test. This was the first of many times that I took this test, and I ended up being an INFP. Later in the evening, some of us spent time chatting and bonding and discovered that we were all INFP’s – and I’ve since found that INFP’s tend to find each other at events like this, drawn together.
One of these INFP’s was Jessica Berg. Jessica was a year older than me, a senior from Ridgewood, NJ. She was an Elder serving on their session at the time. She and I just clicked – that kind of natural friendship where you feel like you’ve been friends all of your lives. We bonded that evening over laughter and late night discussions with others.
In the morning we had elections for the positions. First we elected a YAD and Alternate to the General Assembly (national) meeting. A girl from another church was chosen as the YAD, and Jessica came in second. I remember her being devastated. She was given the option to step aside from the Alternate position to stand for Synod YAD, but chose to stay as Alternate. The second election was for the Synod (regional) YAD, who ended up being me. In some ways, these months were the start of my journey that has me at Princeton Seminary today.
In January, my youth pastor arranged an overnight retreat for our youth group and the Ridgewood youth group at our church. (I suspect some match-making here, but I could be wrong.) We had a great evening, and I found myself being very interested in Jessica. I had her phone number. It took me a long time to get up the courage to call her and ask her out. For a while it was “I’ll call tomorrow”.
Finally I decided early in the week to call and ask her out on a Wednesday evening. Earlier in the week was out because I was busy with one thing or another (probably Stage Crew, music, or church).
Wednesday evening rolled around. It was around 5:30pm in the evening (I think). I was in the basement playing with the computer, when my father called me upstairs. My youth pastor was in the kitchen, still dressed up in a suit (he lived at the Associate Pastor’s manse around the corner from our house). He told me that Jessica had died on Tuesday, January 22, 1985. I had read the newspaper that Wednesday, but completely missed the story at the top of the Local section with her picture. Jessica had been driving home from choir practice and was killed when her car was struck by a train at at railroad crossing.
I was numb. I don’t think I reacted correctly to this news. According to my memory I was not sad, not in a crying heap. I was just quiet.
On the following Sunday, I was ordained as a Deacon. That evening Jessica’s memorial service was held at her church. At that age, I was not ready to handle death well (indeed, I chose to skip my grandmother’s out-of-state funeral later), and I didn’t attend – choosing to go to my own youth group instead (volleyball with the local Catholic church group). I still regret this decision.
Ultimately I went on to attend the Synod meeting, which continued my heavy involvement in the church. In June, the presbytery meeting was held at my church and I attended in order to see the report of the YAD who went to General Assembly, and to prepare for my attendance at Synod in June. (Ironically, during that meeting I ended up having dinner at the table of the General Assembly Moderator.) Also during the meeting there was a report from the presbytery folks about youth programs. Pictures of the retreat to choose YADs were shown, including some of me and some of Jessica. And one of me and Jessica, with her wearing a silly hat that I brought to the retreat that looked like a bear’s head. I still have that hat.
Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I’d called sooner. Jessica was pretty clearly on a seminary/ministry trajectory. She planned to attend Rutgers that fall; at the time I did not know that I would start at Rutgers a year later.
About a year later when I was at Rutgers I met another member of the Ridgewood High School class of 1985. She showed me her yearbook, and the page tribute to Jessica. This friend from my floor at Rutgers ultimately introduced me to my wife Carolyn, right about the time that I saw the yearbook.
For a long time, every January 22nd I would remember and say a prayer for Jessica. As the years have gone by I have forgotten a time or two. But I’ve never forgotten her. And to a tiny degree, she is a part of my faith journey that has led me to seminary.
Be at peace, Jessica. You are not forgotten.
Deacon Sunday Sermon – Nudges and Shoves – 5/22/2011
Filed under: Candidate Process, Religion, Seminary, Uncategorized, Young Adult, Youth
Below is the sermon that I preached yesterday for Deacon Sunday at my church. At my church, the Deacon President preaches for this service.
First Old Testament Reading: Psalm 139:1-18
Second Old Testament Reading: Jonah 1:1-4,7,11-12,15-2:1,2:10-3:3a
Audio: Here
Have you ever wondered what you should be when you grow up? Whenever you might grow up?
Have you ever wondered if you are doing today what you are supposed to be doing?
Yeah, me too.
Parker Palmer in his book Let Your Life Speak quotes a poem from May Sarton:
Now I become myself
It’s taken time, many years and places.
I have been dissolved and shaken,
Worn other people’s faces ….
The journey of discovering who we are is often a long one, a winding journey, and one that has almost as many steps back as forward. In the church, we call the destination “vocation”.
We often associate vocation with a job in the church, but vocation is so much more than that. God gives each of us gifts, and calls each of us to a job or a role in life – a vocation – that will use those gifts in the best way. In essence, we are called to discover who we are – who God has made us to be – and once we find it to be that person as best as we can. You may be called to a role in the church, or perhaps another career in medicine, law, advertising, sports, or science just to name a few.
The good news is that God already knows who we are meant to be. In the Psalm we heard this morning it says: “In your book were written all the days that were formed for me, when none of them as yet existed.” Some people call this God’s Plan for Us, but I believe it’s simpler than that – it’s God’s revelation of who we are.
And we’re not alone in finding out who we are. God is present in the journey, and nudges us along the way. Those nudges take a lot of different forms. Most are subtle – an internal tug within ourselves to something that interests us, a thought that seems to have come from outside of our self, or the words of encouragement of a trusted friend or mentor, or an insight after reading something. Some are more like shoves, not as subtle, taking the form of dreams or visions or hearing an actual voice – and many of the stories in the Bible take that form. However we hear the message, God is with us, and will not let us go until we understand. It just takes time.
Jonah heard God’s voice at the beginning of today’s scripture. It was a little more than a nudge, but less than a shove. The shoves came later.
Jonah was a prophet, and as such likely accustomed to transmitting the word of God to others. In this story, God tells Jonah to go to Nineveh, and cry out against it for God had seen the wickedness of that city. At the time, Nineveh was an enemy of Israel, and this was a dangerous message, to be delivered to the enemy.
Jonah heard the message of God very clearly, but decided not to follow it. And the nudge didn’t quite work in this case. Albert Schweitzer was also nudged by God into his first career, through much subtler means.
Albert Schweitzer heard his early call through a still, small voice. The son and grandson of preachers, Dr. Schweitzer himself chose theology and philosophy as his areas of study at the University of Strasbourg, ultimately earning a PhD at the age of 22. One of his professors advised him to consider a teaching position in philosophy, but he chose theology as his primary focus. In his autobiography he says, “to me preaching was an inner necessity. The opportunity to speak every Sunday to a congregation about the essential questions of life seemed to me wonderful.” From his earliest years his call to ministry was expressed through his internal spirit – through his gifts and interests given to him at his creation. And so he went on to succeed in his field, serving a church, leading a theological seminary, and publishing a famous work of theology.
Sometimes God speaks to us through ourselves, by giving us interest in a particular subject, or through us hearing someone else tell us what they see as our gifts. Schweitzer heard that quiet call to ministry in his early career.
My own story of becoming my true self starts with a bit of nudging as well.
I was a lot like some of the youth in this church when I was in high school. I was quite involved in the church, serving as a Deacon and going to Triennium, working at Camp Johnsonburg and serving in the higher levels of the Presbyterian church system. I was also a bit of a geek, taking every computer course my high school had, playing in the band and serving on the stage crew.
I started at Rutgers feeling that I was headed one of two ways – either to a future in the ministry, or to a future working in the computer field – and I started by taking courses in both. Then I had a bad experience on campus, and a few months later I saw a few odd things happen in my work in the greater church. And I came to the conclusion that the church was about a small group of people trying to control the actions and beliefs of a larger group of people. As a result I quit my church roles and walked away. I was done with the church, though not done with God.
More than 15 years later, I reconnected with the church through the camp. One summer Sunday while volunteering, I began to form an inner question – whether or not I should be attending a church again every Sunday. Talking with others I discovered that this was a common question, and I worked with the camp staff to develop a weekend retreat to help adults figure out whether or not to return, and if so how to find the right church for them.
Guided by what I learned at the retreat, my search process led me to Lawrenceville (with a few well-placed nudges from Alicia Pasko Morrison and Jill van den Heuvel). That was in 2006. Shortly after that, invitations from individuals and the congregation brought me to my work with the Deacons and with the youth.
All throughout this time I began to periodically wonder if I was in the right job. I’d been working in Information Technology for 20 years at this point, and I began to wonder if the world of machines and concentrating on the bottom-line and career advancement was where I belonged. My co-workers tell me that I would light up when I talked about my church work, particularly with the youth. I starting thinking about and researching seminary. I bought the Parker Palmer book that is referenced earlier and in the bulletin, and spent lunchtime at work reading it to try to figure out what I was feeling and hearing around vocation. Something was beginning to change.
There are three questions that I have for you to consider today about your own journey. The first question is this – when have you heard a nudge from God in your life? When have you made a choice without really knowing why you did? When has someone else said to you “You really should consider” this or that, often without knowing why they were asking the question? Has God nudged you? Is God nudging you today?
Sometimes God gives us a shove, because we need it.
Jonah decided to turn from God’s direction. He hot-footed it out of town and boarded a ship to Tarshish as a passenger, directly in the opposite direction of Nineveh.
While Jonah was on the ship to Tarshish, God turned to shoves. God caused a great storm to come up on the sea and put the ship in danger. This storm was bad enough that it scared even the seasoned sailors on board. The crew, realizing that Jonah was the cause of their trouble, asked him what they should do to him, so that God would end the storm. Jonah, apparently seeing that he was putting their lives in danger as well as his own, told them to throw him overboard so that the sea would become quiet for them. Jonah understood that he had taken a course against God, and begins to show signs of a change of heart – at least as far as putting others in danger.
Finally in desperation the crew pleaded directly to God. They asked for God’s forgiveness for what they were about to do, and then threw Jonah overboard, expecting him to drown and at that point the sea calmed.
Jonah expected to drown, in order to save the ship and the crew. But instead, something fantastic happened. He was swallowed up by large fish. And scripture tells us that he lived in the belly of the fish for three days and three nights.
God’s shove for Jonah was very clear. Albert Schweitzer’s shove was a little more mysterious, but just as clear to him.
One summer day in Schweitzer’s 21st year he awoke, and lying in bed he pondered his good fortune. Before he finally arose he had reached a decision – he would pursue his passions and scholarship until he was 30, and after that he would devote himself directly to serving humanity. The exact nature of how he would do that wasn’t yet clear, but the direction was.
Another morning eight years later he found a copy of the magazine of the Paris Missionary Society on his writing table. He was about to put the magazine down and take up his studies when an article caught his eye – “Les besoins de la Mission du Congo” – The needs of the Congo Mission. The article spoke of the mission of the society in the French colony of Congo – the mission that was founded by Robert and Isabelle Nassau, who were members of this church. The author of the article expressed the hope that his appeal would bring some of those “on whom the Master’s eyes already rested” to a decision to offer themselves to this work, concluding “Men and women who can reply simply to the Master’s Call, ‘Lord, I am coming,’ those are the people that the Church needs.” Schweitzer’s autobiography states the working of God in his heart very simply: “I finished the article and quietly began my work. My search was over.”
Albert Schweitzer expressed the shove as a clear call – through the words of a magazine writer but nonetheless directed clearly at him.
For me, the shoves started in the summer of 2008 – a summer of extremes.
The high for the summer was the youth conference trip. Our church staff and advisors led a group of youth and young adults to the Montreat Youth Conference for what was my first time at the Montreat center. The trip connected me with my prior church life in ways as subtle as listening to Sheridan singing while Rich played guitar, to ways as extraordinary as an experience that I had during a worship service that I can only call a vision. It was made clear to me that week that while I had been considering my past church experiences and my present church experiences two separate parts of my life’s story, they were actually one journey. I left Montreat feeling the best I’d felt in a very long time, and at the same time wondering even more whether I still fit in the corporate world that I lived in every day.
And then 10 days later, I was laid off from my job – a job that I’d held for over 13 years. And … in one morning I was cut off from my income, from the large part of my sense of self-worth that was wrapped up in my job, and from the friends that I saw everyday. I was isolated, spending a much larger part of my day alone at home. I’m an introvert, but at some point being alone that much becomes too much.
To this day I’m still not sure of God’s part in my layoff. At the time it felt very much like I was being kicked out of the nest – that I needed to get out of my old job and consider the church as a career. Or maybe it was a little like being thrown into the sea.
For the next 18 months I searched for another Information Technology job, with no success.
In December of 2009, I interviewed for and was nearly chosen for an IT job in a non-profit organization, indirectly supporting youth. After a few weeks I was told that another candidate was selected – that it was “this close” – and I was devastated. I began to wonder why God had chosen to ignore my prayers, had left me standing alone. Through my work on the Deacons and in the church, I very clearly saw God at work in other people’s lives, but not in mine.
A few days after New Years God gave me another shove.
One particular morning, I was lying in bed and suddenly had the feeling that I was standing up next to my bed. Next to me, on my left, was this sort of orange-colored, milky, cloud – about the size of a person. It was completely clear to me that this was God. At the same time I got the sense of two things happening at once.
The first thing was that I was standing looking out into the world, and God was standing next to me looking into the world. Both of us were silent but fully present to each other. God was there for me.
The other thing that was happening at the time was a sense that I was standing looking into the world, and God was facing me … screaming and gesturing at the top of God’s lungs, gesturing wildly … and I wasn’t getting any of it. The idea was very clear – that God wasn’t ignoring me, but that I just wasn’t hearing the message.
Through all of this I had a sense of eerie calm that I’d only felt once before – during the vision at Montreat. It felt like all of my troubles were lifted and that all was right with the world.
And then it ended, and I was back lying in bed.
A couple of weeks later I was having a rough morning and a friend offered to have coffee. She is a pastor in the area, and a recent graduate from Princeton Seminary. During the conversation I talked about what was bothering me and I inexplicably found myself asking her for information and advice on attending seminary. That started a more earnest process of discernment about seminary and a call to ministry.
So, my second question to you is: When have you felt a shove from God? Has God ever reached out to you to tell you something in a way that made you just Stop and take notice? Is God shoving you today?
Throughout all of the disruptions in life, God is still with us. God walks beside us on the journey that God has made.
God was still with Jonah even after he was thrown overboard. After three days in the fish, Jonah was ready to talk to God. In a poetic prayer, Jonah speaks of his distress after being thrown into the water, and how he cried out to God. Jonah spoke of being distant from God, never again to be in God’s sight, but that God pulled him up out of the water. Jonah prayed that he would do what he had originally vowed to do.
And at that point, God caused the fish to spit Jonah out onto dry land, and Jonah again heard the voice of God telling him to go to Nineveh. And this time, he did, proclaiming God’s word there.
And the people there responded, and in turn were spared.
Albert Schweitzer had a happy ending as well, with God’s help.
Over the next eight years Dr. Schweitzer concluded his work at the seminary and began his medical studies to become a doctor. At the age of 38, he reached the mission at Lambarene and began his work. In his two trips to Africa before and after World War One he re-established a clinic from the ground up that had a capacity of 200 patients.
I concentrated for the rest of last year on discerning whether or not God is calling me to seminary and the ministry. I met with a number of people and audited a class at the seminary. The Session of this church and the presbytery have taken me under care in the official “becoming a Presbyterian minister” process. My wife and I have worked hard at discernment of what the changes to our life will be, and have planned for school and the future. I will be starting my Master of Divinity degree at Princeton Seminary this summer.
And God has been with me, though at times I didn’t quite see it. This church, particularly Jill Cifelli, Rich, some youth and some friends, supported me, as well as my friends from Facebook and Twitter. The church and the Deacons in particular gave me a place to use my time and talents for good and I found myself choosing to work for the church to fill my time. I also had the support of my loving wife who rode the rollercoaster with me, going through her own journey that my situation caused as I went through mine. God was there to support me through the long dark time.
So here’s the third question – when have you felt God with you on your journey? How have you felt God’s support during the hard times? Who has been the face of God to you?
God is with us. God has known each of us from the moment that we existed, and knows who we are meant to be. God helps us along the way in ways both quiet and still, and loud and unusual. With God’s help, each of us can find the way in God’s time to becoming the best person that we can be.
And that is good.
Amen.
10A – Relief, Joy and Fear
Last summer, the 219th General Assembly of the Presbyterian Church (USA) passed a change to the Book of Order, section G-6.0106b (or G-2.0104 in the New Form of Government). It was sent to the presbyteries for their concurrence, requiring 87 presbyteries to approve before it would take effect. That was labeled amendment “10A”. This amendment changes the standards for ordination, reversing the addition in 1996 of a specific “sin” (I reject that definition) that became an absolute bar to ordination. This change returns the Book of Order to the historic standard that ordaining bodies (Session for [Ruling] Elders and Deacons, Presbytery for Ministers [Teaching Elders]) would look at the whole character of the ordinand, judging whether or not their individual nature (which we believe to be unavoidably sinful in some manner) was good enough to lead the church.
In 1996, the Book of Order was amended to prevent ordination of LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender) people. That version reads:
b. Those who are called to office in the church are to lead a life in obedience to Scripture and in conformity to the historic confessional standards of the church. Among these standards is the requirement to live either in fidelity within the covenant of marriage between a man and a woman (W-4.9001), or chastity in singleness. Persons refusing to repent of any self-acknowledged practice which the confessions call sin shall not be ordained and/or installed as deacons, elders, or ministers of the Word and Sacrament.
The new version that will take effect on July 10, 2011 reads:
b. Standards for ordained service reflect the church’s desire to submit joyfully to the Lordship of Jesus Christ in all aspects of life (G-1.0000). The governing body responsible for ordination and/or installation (G.14.0240; G-14.0450) shall examine each candidate’s calling, gifts, preparation, and suitability for the responsibilities of office. The examination shall include, but not be limited to, a determination of the candidate’s ability and commitment to fulfill all requirements as expressed in the constitutional questions for ordination and installation (W-4.4003). Governing bodies shall be guided by Scripture and the confessions in applying standards to individual candidates.
This returns the church to its traditional polity – having local ordaining bodies make individual decisions on individual candidates. It should also be noted that a recent GA Permanent Judicial Commission case established a bar on the creation of lists of ordination standards to be applied to all candidates – each candidate must be considered individually.
I applaud this change. I have felt for years and years that the discrimination and injustice and outright hostility shown by the denomination towards LGBT people has done serious harm, both to those LGBT people AND to the rest of us in the denomination. While it wasn’t the primary trigger, this discrimination (in other forms prior to 1996) was a reason for my departure from the church in 1987. I worked for PLGC (Presbyterians for Lesbian and Gay Concerns – now knows as More Light Presbyterians) for 6 years after that as their volunteer coordinator for Presbynet, a church computer network. The continued discrimination against LGBT people delayed my return to the church until 2006 – for a number of years I considered a return occasionally, found the discrimination still present, and set aside the impulse. Ultimately I decided that returning was the right thing to do and that I should work as best I can to rectify the situation. I hope that I had at least an itty-bitty tiny part in making this happen.
I have also seen the pain and anguish that the injustice has caused in the hearts of friends who turned away from their call from God, or pushed through with their call while having to hide an important part of themselves. It’s my earnest hope that they will experience some healing. I also hope that those who turned away from the church will come back now.
Those of us who have worked to some degree for this change experienced a number of emotions last night. One friend tweeted that she was weeping in a room full of strangers. Others yelled and screamed their joy. Some were able to gather to celebrate in community. I experienced this joy too, though I was unable to express it openly as I was in another presbytery meeting and we were considering the sad need to dissolve a dying congregation. I am glad to hear of the joy, and I applaud the joy. I’m glad to see it expressed – particularly by those who are most directly affected by the change. Emotions are an important part of healing. And I believe that this is truly a wonderful working of the Holy Spirit in the life of the church.
Those who fought this change – who fought for the 1996 change – are understandably upset. Some are talking about the increased departure of members from our churches. That’s a complex issue – some have certainly departed because they felt that the church was too progressive, but I believe that the majority of those who have left did so through apathy, disinterest, or death. Our church is aging through the failure to retain our youngest members, and I believe that the discrimination against LGBT folks has caused our young adults to turn elsewhere. Some of these upset folks are threatening to leave, or to carve out a corner in the denomination friendly to their beliefs alone. Folks who are opposed to gay ordination are upset, angry and hurting. They are children of God as much as the LGBT community that was hurt by past actions. I believe that it’s important to remember that. Our polity is based on communal discernment with the aid of the Spirit, and as a result will almost always have people on the “losing” side who felt quite correctly that their words and acts are guided by the Spirit. I believe that there is power in the process of discernment itself, though it is messy and painful at times. I am praying for those who can now be ordained as they should have been in the past, AND for those who felt that they should not be ordained. This anger should also be expressed, but I hope that it is done in a manner that does not harm others and remembers that our “enemies” are children of God.
There is also a lot of fear. I had a conversation with a fellow church member yesterday who calls himself “conservative”. He expressed not a desire to leave, but the fear that others would act on their desire to leave as a result of this change. I countered (in my reflexive style on these issues) that others had already left because of the discrimination, and others had failed to join us for that reason. (I’m a bit sorry about that now.) This is a very real fear. Some will do so in a knee-jerk reaction – in many cases inflamed by those who have already said that the church has turned away from biblical standards (posted online minutes after the vote last night).
Others will leave because they believe that their presence with others who hold a different belief constitutes endorsement of that belief. I find this to be generally true of conservatives, and generally not true for progressives. As a friend tweeted yesterday (on a related issue): “I think it points to the idea that conservatives see inclusion as acceptance and affirmation. libs can separate inclusion from acceptance.” I reject the notion that inclusion implies acceptance, but then I am progressive. Additionally, I feel very strongly called to stand between the opposing sides and communicate with both – and hopefully get them to communicate with each other. Part of that comes from my project management training and experience (the IT vs. line-of-business divide is every bit as severe as the conservative/liberal split). But part of that comes from a very real call that I feel to help others reconcile. (Getting myself to reconcile with others …. let’s just say that I’m working on that.)
In the youth ministry world we are talking about a change in how people become engaged in Christian community. The old model was “Believe -> Behave -> Belong” – that we first had to have the right beliefs, then act appropriately, and then were acceptable for full membership. The new model is “Belong -> Behave -> Believe”. We learn and change and grow by the process of being in community first, followed by adopting the behaviors of the community, which helps cause our belief. It’s this process of communal shaping by rubbing against each other (stop snickering!) that is at the heart of our polity of communal, in-person discernment of God’s will for the Church. We only see God’s will fully in community with each other. I have said that I see God in others more often than I see God in other ways.
We will only grope our way to the Truth by staying together and working together and praying together. And so it is my hope that we will do just that – remain together. If it turns out that this change is wrong, God will make a correction happen. If it turns out to be right (as I believe), then we will all see it as life unfolds. Those who are hurting so much that they cannot remain should be allowed to depart with dignity and love. But I truly hope that we will all stay. It’s time for the end result of a fight during a hockey game – sharing a beer together after the game and laughing about it.
To conclude, I believe that this new day is a good day. And I pray for all whose lives have changed in this process, for perceived good and perceived bad. We are all part of the Church.
Life-status update
It’s been a while since I posted. I’ll give you an update on what I’m up to.
The pre-seminary process is in full swing. I’ve filled out all of the forms and got all of the vaccinations (an over-40 returning student missed a few that are now required for school). After a long process of talking to current and former seminarians and professors and pastors, I chose and registered for summer Greek – a year’s worth of Greek language taught in 2 months. So for me school starts on July 11. I’ve also been up to the seminary a few times in the last few weeks – to attend Theologiggle, the play (The Merchant of Venice – excellent production!), and a BGLASS event. Princeton Seminary still feels comfortable to me. I continue to be amazed at how many people there I already know – most from non-seminary connections.
Next week I’ll be there again for most of the week for the Institute for Youth Ministry forums. During that week I’ll be meeting with my mentor for the Youth Ministry Certificate. I recently asked a number of folks at my church to complete a 360-degree review of me in my ministry and I’ll receive those results.
In the middle of May I’ll be attending a laid-back ministry conference.
At the end of May and early June, Carolyn and I have scheduled a pre-seminary vacation. We figure that with Princeton Seminary’s schedule, there are very few breaks of over a week (the exceptions being Christmas and June). So we figure we’d better take a vacation now while we can take the time and have the money. Our goals for the vacation were to disconnect from the world, spend a lot of time with each other, and get out of our regular environment. We’ve booked a cruise from NJ to Bermuda and back in a week. I’m not sure that I’ll be able to handle the twitter and Internet withdrawal (ha!), but we persevere.
I’ve also had the opportunity to connect with my CPM liaisons and that process is started and continuing.
In conclusion – everything is pointed in the right direction and moving for my seminary time and the future. The obstacles so far have mostly been minor and surmountable.
How I Saw It – my Testimony at the Worship in a New Key Service March 13, 2011
At my church, our alternative service is called Worship in a New Key. One occasional element of this service is personal testimony by someone from the congregation about their own experience that is relevant to the scripture or sermon. I was asked about a year ago to tell my wilderness journey story but the time didn’t feel right – my journey wasn’t far enough along. I was asked again to speak this week, and it felt right. Below is the text and audio of my story.
Audio: Mark_Smith_WINK_Testimony_2011-03-13
Scripture: Matthew 4:1-11
Today’s scripture talks about Jesus’ time in the wilderness.
Each of us at times ends up in the wilderness. Sometimes we’re there for a short time, sometimes we’re there for a while. We each have our own path into the wilderness, and we each have our own path out of the wilderness.
My wilderness time is recent. Some of you know my story but for those who don’t, here’s a brief summary. On August 12, 2008 – a few days after the mountaintop experience on the youth trip to Montreat – I was laid off from my job … suddenly and without any idea of what was coming. For 18 months I searched for another Information Technology job with little luck in this difficult economy. Throughout that time I periodically got a sense – louder every time – that I should be looking to attend seminary and go into ministry. Ultimately that message got so loud that it was impossible to ignore and I will be starting my Master of Divinity degree at Princeton Seminary this fall.
But this story is about the wilderness. And this particular wilderness was very hard. Losing a job these days is like a quadruple edged sword. In one shot you lose your income and your security, part of your circle of friends that you’ve seen every day, your 40+ hours a week purpose in life, and likely a huge chunk of your self-esteem. If you’re like I was, a lot of your sense of self is tied up in what you do and how you do it – and all at once you are told that that no longer desired. Even when you’re told that it was an economic decision – for the good of the company, nothing personal – that sense of failure is there.
The first thing that I did was to start looking for a new job. I was offered outplacement services, and when you go to these outplacement services they teach you how to find a new job. And one of the first things they teach you is that finding a new job requires having and showing a good attitude. In other words, you have to hide the feelings that you’re feeling so intensely in order to make those feelings stop. For some that might be possible – for me it was painful. I think the hardest part for me was the isolation and purposelessness – the change from being in a small cubicle but surrounded by neighbors and noise and conversation about work and other things, to being alone at home in a room in front of my computer for hours at a time doing what I felt was accomplishing nothing. …
I’m an Introvert, and even introverts need people contact from time to time. The networking with strangers required by the job search was stressful for me, and on the flipside, the excessive time alone was also stressful. One-to-one time with trusted friends was incredibly valuable to me.
Leigh [Leigh Stuckey, who gave the sermon before I spoke] spoke about the character of the human Jesus – about faith and how God expects us to be. With a few notable exceptions, I have most often experienced God through other people. In my wilderness time I was not alone. There were times that I didn’t see it or didn’t believe it, but God was with me. God was with me, often in the form of the people who surrounded me. My wife, who was and continues to be incredibly patient and caring while I go through heavy emotional weather. The staff of this church who took time to listen to me and encourage me – particularly Jill and Rich Richards. My friends in the church. The youth and advisors of the Sr. High group, who told me quietly that they were praying for me and how I inspired them throughout this journey. Now I’m a heavy Twitter and Facebook and Internet user, and I found that my Twitter friends and Facebook friends far away and local were absolutely wonderful when they gave me advice, words of encouragement, face to face time, and occasionally something productive to do. All of these people were the face of God to me, sometimes intentionally, and sometimes just by being themselves. They let me be me, let me know that I was loved and valued, through a time when circumstance and rejection told me otherwise.
I’m almost out of the woods now. I can see the path that I will take, and I can see the edge of the wilderness from here. It’s been a difficult time and a growing time for me. I am ever so thankful that God let His presence show through the people around me, and I thank God for them.
Job Opening – Assoc. Pastor for Youth and Worship – Lawrenceville, NJ
My congregation has an opening for an Associate Pastor. The Presbyterian Church of Lawrenceville, NJ is a congregation of the Presbyterian Church (USA) (PC(USA)) and is part of the Presbytery of New Brunswick. Information on our congregation can be found at the church website and the PC(USA) statistics page for the congregation.
DISCLAIMER – my role. I am a Deacon among my roles at the church, and I served as the Chair of the Mission Study team which completed its work prior to the creation of the Associate Pastor Nominating Committee. I do not serve on the APNC, but have been asked by them to help advertise the position. I will be happy to answer what questions that I can via any communications method including in person. The APNC requests that specific questions about the position be directed to them – specifically to Thomas as listed below.
Position Description
Associate Pastor for Youth, Young Adult and Worship Ministries
The Presbyterian Church of Lawrenceville, NJ
CIF ID #04928.AEO
Contact: Thomas Emerick, APNC Chair: thomas744@mac.com
Fulltime Position, intended to begin September 2011
Reports to: Pastor, Head of Staff
Responsibilities include:
Youth and Young Adult:
- Overseeing the administration and execution of programs offered to 6th to 12th graders, College students, other “college” age youth and young adults at The Presbyterian Church of Lawrenceville, aimed at spiritual and faith development.
- Supervising the Seminary Intern for Youth Ministry (10-15 hours per week/School Year)
- Training, equipping, coordinating and encouraging lay leaders and parents is a primary means for providing ministry to and with youth
- Conducting regular (up to bi-monthly) leadership meetings
- Providing staff support for Youth Ministry Council
- Facilitating youth participation in the leadership of the program
- Providing programs that include parents in youth ministry
- Teaching and equipping lay teachers to provide educational experiences for youth.
- Working closely with a Session member liaison to youth ministry
- Planning for, and coordinating the Confirmation experience for confirmation-age youth (currently 9th grade) and Mentors.
- In coordination with Assistant Youth Ministry Director and Seminary Intern, coordinate and provide leadership for weekend retreats, outings and events
- In coordination with Assistant Youth Ministry Director, plan and provide opportunities for mission experiences locally, regionally, nationally and internationally for all youth, which includes Summer Mission experiences.
- Participating in the Presbytery Youth Connection
- Providing consistent and clear communication and publicity about all activities.
- Developing and utilizing computer technology (e.g. website, email, etc.) in the publicity and promotion of the youth program.
Worship – Worship in a New Key:
- Work with Head of Staff and other staff on developing and planning for all aspects of WINK, including scheduling worship leaders, preachers, planning liturgy, etc.
- Provide primary preaching and sacramental leadership for WINK, by preaching/presiding once per month (minimum), and coordinating a rotation of other clergy to fulfill these roles.
- Work with WINK Music Coordinator, and WINK Planning Team, on weekly planning, as well as long-term, strategic planning for WINK service.
- Preach monthly at WINK service, and at least twice per year at traditional service.
Young Adult:
- Maintaining significant contact with young adult members of the church who are in college, the military, in the workplace or have just graduated from college.
- Providing programming, such as Bible Study and fellowship gatherings, for Young Adult members and non-members of the church.
General:
- Participation in weekly staff meetings
- At least monthly supervision with Head-of-Staff
Manifestation of God
In the Christian world, we are now in the season of Epiphany. It starts January 6th (the day of Epiphany) and ends Ash Wednesday. In Greek, the word that “epiphany” is derived from means “manifestation, shining forth, revelation or appearance”. It’s a dual-use term – both meaning a time that the invisible God appears and a sudden realization of the larger essence or meaning of something. It’s the “aha” moment and/or a moment of the presence of God, perhaps at the same time.
My story of vocational discernment and the winding path of the last 25 or so years includes a few instances where I am hard pressed to explain something without God’s involvement. In one case I had a vision during a worship service at a youth conference. In another case I had a dream with a strong message. Ultimately these events led me to make the decision that the ministry is my likely future. I start at Princeton Seminary in the summer or fall.
Last January there were several events that happened at a critical point in this journey. One day I went to a job fair and found myself trying to reconnect with a seminary. Another day a friend had coffee with me on a very rainy morning when I was feeling very off-kilter, and gave me advice that led to the heavy-duty discernment that followed. And on another January day (before the other two, I think) something else happened. Something else I haven’t written about on this blog yet.
I’d been praying to God for direction. I’d been lamenting God’s absence from my life, God’s refusal to answer my prayers. I felt that God had decided to ignore me. To make my job layoff happen and then leave me hanging. To call me to the church, back to the church, and to heavy church volunteering, but still to leave me wondering about whether the church should be my future. I felt alone and that God was not present.
In the mornings at our house, our routine has been set for years – caused by jobs. (And we still do this, even though I really don’t need to get up at a specific time.) My wife gets up at 6am and gets into the shower, then comes back out and crawls back in bed until it’s time for me to get up at 6:30am. Then we get up and feed the cat and do the rest of the morning things. That time between 6 and 6:30 has become a time of drowsy wakefulness where I’m somewhere between dead to the world and fully awake and waiting for 6:30am (different levels of consciousness on different days).
On this particular day, Carolyn was in the shower. I was lying in bed face up. I suddenly had the feeling that I was standing next to the bed. And that God was next to me. I had a sense of an orange fog being next to me (orange being VERY clear) and knowing that it was God. And that two things were happening at the same time.
One impression I had was that God was standing next to me, facing in the same direction as me, and was otherwise quiet. Just standing there at my side (left side for some reason) facing the world with me. And throughout this experience I had a sense of eerie calm – that all was well with the world. I’d felt that sensation once before during the vision mentioned above.
At the same time I also had another impression. I was facing the world. God was standing beside me facing me, yelling at the top of God’s lungs, and gesturing wildly. And I wasn’t hearing or seeing it at all.
And then I was awake, still lying in bed, Carolyn still in the shower. And the sense of calm and all is well and God is with me remained. When Carolyn came out of the shower, I told her all about it.
It came at a time that I needed to know that God was with me. The imagery of God trying to tell me something and me not getting it at all was also clear. And it set me up for other events later that week and month that have set me on my road to a second career.
I usually experience God’s presence through others. A friend at lunch or coffee. A youth in youth group. A stranger being helped. Someone who tells you how much you’ve helped them and you can’t really figure out what you did. A thank you for your hard work. The whole congregation during a particularly moving worship service.
But once in a while (more often than I deserve), God shows up for me in a very personal way.
A private, quiet, Manifestation of God. An Epiphany, which prepared me for other epiphanies to come.
Thanks be to God.
This blog entry is part of a synchroblog. Here are other blogs that are taking part:
Beth Patterson – A Robust Universe Includes The Botched and Bungled
Jeff Goins – The Manifestation Of God
Jeremy Myers – Pagan Prophecies Of Christ
Ellen Haroutunian – Stories of Epiphany
Liz Dyer – God Breaking Through Moments
Josh Morgan – The Manifestation Of God
Steve Hayes – Theophany: the manifestation of God
Sarah Bessey – In which Annie opens the door of her heart
Christine Sine – Eve of Epiphany – We Have Come, We Have Seen, Now We Must Follow
Tammy Carter – Blessing The Beloved
2010: My personal Year in Review
Filed under: Candidate Process, Job Search, Life, Religion, Seminary, Work
I haven’t done a Year in Review post for a few years because I didn’t have any good news then. The two New Years after the layoff were times that I survived rather than showing improvement. This year was different. Very up and down, but averaging to up.
I started the year still looking for a secular job and having little luck, depressed after just barely missing out on a job right before Christmas. (Irony: after I made my decision to change direction, the person that they picked left and they wanted to interview me again.) That all changed with two days close together in January. One day a good friend accompanied me to a job fair at Rutgers, which turned that day from a depressing trip to a job fair to a day with a friend and by-the-way time at a job fair. We also had lunch with the campus Protestant chaplain at Rutgers and I found myself asking her to have the local seminary contact me. Later I realized that I had no idea why I’d asked for that. A couple weeks later I had a rough Monday morning and the same friend met met for coffee. That conversation led me to make the decision that I had to do serious vocational discernment and seriously consider seminary. What followed that decision is a long story that gets told as the year follows.
February found me stretching in many ways. I started auditing a class at Princeton Seminary and meeting with folks from the seminary and my church about my sense of call. I started serving on my first presbytery committee. I started spiritual direction. And at this point in my journey I was on a dual track – religious vocational discernment and secular job search.
March found me working a part-time job for a local ecumenical group serving as the project manager for a June justice revival weekend. It also found me working full-time (to start) for the US Census counting noses at group living facilities and service-based locations (shelters, food banks). Regretfully the Census job didn’t pan out as advertised and the “full-time” work ended up being at best 15 hours a week and only lasted 3 weeks. But it did give me a technical break in unemployment that allowed me to form my own small business. That business continues to provide a small amount of income and will hopefully do so as I go forward in school. March also found me being approved by the Session of my church to apply to be an Inquirer in the PC(USA).
April found me making what was nearly the final turn to the new direction. The justice revival work got going in earnest. I started the Youth Ministry Certificate program at Princeton Seminary with a retreat before the annual Youth Forums. And I started some steps to take care of the space between my ears.
May was packed with growth for me. The work between my ears got going in earnest. My justice revival work was in high gear before the June weekend. I got to be in the audience of The Daily Show and spend a great evening with two friends. And I got to go to the Unconference (in Maryland in 2010) and make new friendships that I hope to have for years if not forever.
In June the justice revival happened and was an amazing and tiring weekend. And I began preparations for July. Also in June I began working on the family stresses that were created by my discernment process and change of career.
In July I got an opportunity that I’d been hoping for since I returned to the church and started working with youth – I got to go to the Presbyterian Youth Triennium. The youth director at my church wrote the Small Group Manual, and as a result I was able to attend as Small Group Staff, Small Group Leader Trainer, and as a Small Group Leader. My presbytery’s delegation was housed across the street from the dorm that I was in, so we got to spend a lot of time together. I had a blast, and attending Triennium cemented my sense of call. After that trip, the last obstacle between me and my new career path was resolved, and my new journey began. At the end of July, Carolyn and I got to take a short vacation that we desperately needed – giving us time to reconnect and re-explore each other.
August was a quiet month of preparation work. I spent the time getting ready for the new year at church (in my new role as President of the Deacons, and with new youth staff) and preparing to meet with CPM. The Committee on Preparation for Ministry of my presbytery approved me as an Inquirer at the end of the month, beginning the official process towards ordination as a PC(USA) minister. I also began my work on applications for Princeton Seminary.
September was a very busy month with the beginning of the church year and with seminary application preparation. At the end of the month I submitted my Princeton Seminary application and kicked off the process of obtaining references.
October was a time of celebration. Carolyn and I celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary. We also one week later spent 3 days visiting Princeton Seminary in the role of prospective student and wife. Both of us felt very comfortable with that visit and very much at home. And the big celebration happened a week later at the end of the month, when I received my acceptance for the MDiv program at Princeton!
November brought a chance to enjoy success and reorient myself to my new direction. I delivered my commitment letter to Princeton Seminary while attending the Emerging Adulthood seminar early in the month. The rest of the month was spent completing some work between my ears and preparing for the holiday season.
December has been a time of waiting and preparing. With the help of friends, I’m working on preparing for seminary. I’m building lists of books to read before I start. I’m trying to decide about whether to pursue Summer Language (an intensive 10 week program for Greek or Hebrew) or take one last summer trip with my church youth group. And I’m reorienting my thinking. One bright event of December was a chance to meet a Twitter friend from Atlanta, one of her friends and a local friend for lunch at Drew University. I also unfortunately spent the end of November and most of December fighting a sinus infection that took a lot of my energy.
Overarching the year were a few events that do not fit the chronology well. From late spring until today (and continuing) I’ve been doing a lot of work in my head to grow, and to process the changes that such a large career shift creates. That large shift has also produces some stresses – in family, in friendships, and in relation to my church. I’ve worked hard with those involved to try to navigate the emotions produced and the logistics involved. This in turn has created further growth and improvement in me, in my relationships, and hopefully in the others impacted. This work has been HARD, but well worth it. And the relationships that have been involved I believe to be stronger now. I won’t say that pain is necessary to growth, but I will say that getting through pain successfully often produces growth. Last, a note that a few serious illnesses of family members came in the fall and that was rough too. Those family members are on the mend.
Also not fitting the chronology well were the growth of a few new and old friendships through shared experiences. I can only hope that I have given to them as much as they have given to me.
All in all, this year was a very up and down year. I am thankful for my wife and friends who supported me through it, who listened to my ravings and pain, and who continue to stand by me. While it has been rough most of the roughness has taken place in the service of growth in the right direction. And there have been some glorious moments of celebration and happy-dances. I’d never have believed that I’d jump up and down in my kitchen past age 40 until the day I opened my seminary acceptance letter.
I end the year with a new direction when I had no direction. I end the year with strengthened relationships. And I end the year with new friends that I value greatly. And I end the year with a much, much stronger sense of the direction that God wants me to take, as well as many reminders that God is always with me.
I’ll take it.
Gifts for Seminarians
It’s Christmastime. I was looking for gift ideas for folks who wanted suggestions for gifts for me. I asked my crowd on Twitter what gifts made sense for someone who would be starting seminary in the near future.
They came up with these suggestions. I have linked the suggesters Twitter profiles. (NOTE: some of these folks are Protected on Twitter, and some of the protected folks are open to new follow requests. You may or may not be successful in following someone).
- Browse a pastor’s shelf and make a list of books you want (@revdlm)
- Cokesbury/Amazon gift certificates (many people suggested this)
- A Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament and Other Early Christian Literature, 3rd Edition
(@mayog)
- Concordance/Bible Dictionary (@pattigibbons)
- Basic school supplies (pens, pencils, highlighter) (@candivernon)
- Computer Paper (@candivernon)
- Feasting on the Word: Year A: Advent Through Transfiguration (Feasting on the Word)
subscription – a series of 12 books of which the first is linked here (@lauraviau, @megateer)
- Lap Desk (@lauraviau)
- Entertainment gift cards (@lauraviau)
- Scrivener computer program for writing (@grammercie) $35-40 at student discount
- Coffee gift card (@megateer)
- Bibleworks (Windows) or Accordance (Mac) computer programs for research and exegesis of the Bible in the original language (@megateer) $250+ at student discount (NOTE: Some seminaries used to install this on students’ laptops for free. Princeton no longer does.)
- iPad (@abbiewatters)
- Old hobbies supplies – keep up some outside activity other than doing seminary (@grammercie)
- Good study Bible (@barbvaughn)
- The Peoples’ Bible
(@barbvaughn)
- A Bible dictionary (@barbvaughn)
- A pocket NRSV Bible (@andyjames)
- Locker Organizer (Princeton Seminary issues lockers to commuter students) (@grammercie)
- 3-ring binders (@tericarol)
(DISCLAIMER – if you click one of the links above and it takes you to Amazon.com, I might get a tiny commission on your purchase.)
Part-Time Youth Mission Trip Coordinator Wanted (Central NJ, contract)
The Evangelism and Church Development Committee (ECD) of the Presbytery of New Brunswick, with the concurrence of the Educational Ministries Committee, wishes to explore the concept of supporting youth ministry programs and services for churches that are too small to afford their own youth ministry staff or to hold a mission trip on their own. As a part of that exploration ECD would like to hold a presbytery-based mission trip for Senior High (rising 9th graders through recently graduated seniors) youth in the Summer of 2011, or to assemble such a group from small churches to join an existing trip being planned by a larger congregation. This trip is expected to be one week long and located at a site somewhere within the US. We are hiring a paid part-time Youth Mission Trip Coordinator to work with ECD and youth leaders in the presbytery to determine the best way to pursue such a trip and to plan, coordinate, and lead the trip and all preparatory activities. Those interested in this position should send a resume and cover letter to Mark Smith (markrsmith@gmail.com, 609-585-1849) by December 17, 2010. The detailed job description is attached: Presbytery of New Brunswick Youth Mission Trip Coordinator position.
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