The Temptation of the First Career for the Second-Career Student
As I’ve said before, I’m a second-career student at Princeton Seminary. My undergraduate degree is in Computer Science, and I spent 20 years (more or less) working in Information Technology in various capacities. A few years back after a few prior years of wondering whether I belonged in corporate America and in IT, I experienced a layoff. That caused me to spend some time thinking about my future, and I decided that some form of ministry was my future. I’m in my second year at Princeton Seminary. I’ve had one very successful summer serving as a Chaplain intern, and I’m interning in a church right now.
One of the things that we are reminded of, often, regularly, all the time, is that we who are in seminary (and the ordination process) are discerning our call and vocation. We are taught that serving the church in some form (pastor, chaplain, seminary staff, etc) are a few possible vocations, but that God calls many people to a “secular” vocation. In that secular vocation, people are called to do their secular job while living their Christian identity. Hardly a week goes by without someone asking us what our sense of call is. I felt a strong call to chaplaincy this summer, and I’m exploring my sense of call to congregational ministry in my current Field Ed placement.
For the first half of the serious discernment about going to seminary, I was also looking for a job in my first career. Many people had told me that discernment is better as a choice between two options, rather than a yes/no choice of one option. There were a few times before I made the decision that I needed to seriously look at seminary when I almost was chosen for a job. I feel that these were God’s way of nudging or shoving me to seminary. The last was a position as a project manager at a local community college, that I missed by “this much” according to someone at the college. That was really the final straw that pushed me to seminary. Interestingly, about a year later (after I’d been accepted, while I was waiting for the fall semester) I got a call back from that college asking if I might be interested in interviewing again for the position – it was open once more. I refused immediately – I had already decided on a different path.
Recently, school has been taking most of my time. For some reason, this middler year at Princeton, with Princeton’s new schedule and Field Ed is requiring a LOT of my time. At the same time, I’ve been offered the chance to work on several small IT projects – some web development, some email migration, some “fix my computer” work. I’ve had to turn down a few and make sure that the rest understand that I’m very busy with school and not as available as I have been in the past (particularly the year before school started).
At the same time, there’s a temptation. The IT work is easy for me, compared to my seminary work. There’s a reason for that … I have years of experience in IT and only a small amount of experience in seminary. I’m doing a lot of “first time I’ve done this” at seminary and in my internships. When a friend needed a quick blog installation last summer, I was able to get a framework installed in an hour – domain name and all. It has taken me more time than that to write a few prayers for Field Ed (it’s faster now). So there’s a temptation to say – “I can DO my first job, why don’t I stop school and go back?”
In the stressed student, this creates a few mental options for what is happening:
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- It’s a test. God is making sure that you are really committed to the path that you are on.
- You’re going down the wrong path. God never really meant for you to go to seminary – you misunderstood and it’s not too late to turn around.
- So somebody offered you a chance to make a little money doing what you used to do. Why not? You can do the job, and it’s easy for you.
- Your future will have pieces of your past and pieces of your future. Keep up the skills.
I’ve tended to see these recent requests in light of option 3, after spending a little time flipping back and forth between 1 and 2. In between flash cards and readings and writing papers, of course.
I believe that in my case, option 4 is the most likely. Why would God call someone this late in life and just throw away all of the skills and experience that were built over those years? At every church that I’ve interacted with, I’ve used my IT skills. Right now I’m scheduled to be the computer/projector guy on Sunday at Field Ed, and I’m working on converting the church’s email to Google. But those aren’t the skills that give me life. Helping people understand God and the message of Christ, helping them process grief or loss or celebration, helping them to worship God – those are the things that are giving me life. The IT job is fun at times – don’t get me wrong. But right now I just can’t see doing it full-time again. I can see ministry in some form being my future full-time – with a little project management and a little IT work in the mix.
And yet, it’s tempting to look back. So I must turn my head and look forward again.
Post-Montreat Blues
Today I’m somewhat deep in the Post-Montreat Blues. This is apparently a common affliction, caused by the collision between the mountaintop high (emotionally, not physically) from a Montreat conference and the mundane realities of “real life” back home. In other words – while you came home feeling wonderful, ready to change the world, and quite possibly changed for life … the rest of the world didn’t change all that much while you were gone. I’ve experienced the same with Camp Johnsonburg experiences – though the Montreat experience was at a much higher intensity.
I’m trying to figure out what’s next.
This week we had movie night at the youth group, and most (but not all) of the crowd that showed up was from the Montreat trip. We looked at the pictures from Montreat from a few people and then watched Saved! the movie. We got a very insightful question from one youth who wasn’t on the trip about increasing the presence of faith in daily life. I really think that between the Broad St. Philly mission trip and this Montreat trip we have a LOT of momentum going into the fall for the youth group. Big things could happen!
I’ve found some confidence and new connections when it comes to working with the youth – particularly in my preferred style of one-to-one. Again – momentum.
For today, I miss the relaxed me from the trip. Sunday night I forgot to take my blood pressure medication, and I didn’t feel the effects. My co-workers all remarked on Monday how incredibly relaxed I seemed to be. In many ways, that’s the Real Me, and I wish I could have it all of the time.
I also really, really miss the daily contact with my friends from my church and with the new friends that I made on the trip. Seeing them on Facebook (or not at all) just isn’t the same. I know that if we’d been together more than a week the usual interpersonal frictions would develop, but that was a really nice week. Tuesday evening helped.
I’m also feeling a bit emotionally adrift. The Montreat Youth Conference experience produced in me (and probably in many or most) a safe space where I could drop, tear down, explode, or simply eliminate the wall between my emotions and the outside world. I was able to letthe Real Me outside of my head to a degree not normally possible.
Unfortunately that wall is somewhat necessary for daily life, particularly at work. Rebuilding that wall takes some time, and is leaving me a smidge off balance.
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Now I’m trying to figure out the implications for my life. One thing that I see (and have seen in the past) is that my job (the combination of place/culture and function) is out of line with my faith and values. Please note – this is NOT the same as saying “I need a new job”. There are several possibilities for how to fix this, including possibilities where I remain where I am and possiblities where I move on.
Some have heard the first whispers (or more) of a call to the ministry as a result of this week. I don’t believe that I’m one of them. This is something that I’ve considered from time to time in my religious life (before and now) but I just don’t hear the call. My 10th grade computerized career assessment aside, I’ve never in my memory been told by someone that I’d make a good minister. I think my call to the faith lies elsewhere.
For now, though, I’m considering the possibilities. I’m remembering a few key rules:
- Don’t make any life-changing decisions within a week (or longer) after such a mountaintop experience. Regain equilibrium first.
- The rest of the world didn’t change overnight. Maybe you did, but there weren’t big changes elsewhere.
- Big, Meaningful Change requires Big, Meaningful Thought. And time.
That’s where I am.
If I met you on the trip, I miss you. A lot.
Oh, boy
Today, I was at church participating in the Spring Cleanup Day, where we cleaned up the grounds. Lots of raking, digging, moving bushes, mulching were done.
When it was time for me to go I found the woman in charge and the pastor together. I told them that I was done and heading out. I was thanked for my service, and then ….
Pastor: Thanks for coming. Let’s talk this week about deacons.
Me: OK ….
Pastor: Didn’t you get the letter?
Me: No. What letter?
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Mark: We’ll see.
The letter was in the mail when I got home.
I’m inclined to say no simply based on the fact that I’m clearly not even on the C list – I’m on the D list or E list. They started asking people in mid-April – it’s now 2 weeks before the Congregational Meeting. I figure I’m about #35 on a list to fill 8 slots. It’s hard to feel called by the congregation (represented by the Nominating Committee) when you’re that far down the list and asked at the last minute.
There are other factors to consider, too.
I’d like to hear your opinions. You’re read of my recent trials and tribulations regarding service at the church and personalities there (including one deacon who will be going off the board at this time).
A good sermon on being called
This past Sunday was Deacon Sunday, when the Board of Deacons runs the service.
The outgoing President of the Deacons, Pam Ford, delivered the sermon. The title is “Confessions of a Reluctant Deacon”, and it talks a lot about her sense of call and how her deacon experience has caused her to grow.
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It’s worth a listen, or a read. I recommend listening.
Whoosh! and a question on calls
Whoosh!
That’s the noise that I probably made getting through all that I had to do this weekend.
Saturday, the Youth Sunday rehearsal ran long. I was at church from 10:30am to 2:30pm. I was completely impressed with the youth. The 3 seniors who delivered the sermon hit the message perfectly and needed very little tweaking. The rest of the crew adapted to their jobs quite easily. I’ll write more on this later.
Sunday was Youth Sunday. I was the usher-herder. I also had to get prepared for the Adult Forum afterwards and eat breakfast. Everything was a rush. The service went great, and as I said above I’ll write more later.
After the service I had to run away from the youth and go finish setting up for the adult forum. I was the 1st speaker of 3 – covering the biblical basis for environmental stewardship. I think it went well (nobody came up and said that I did a good job, but they seemed to be paying attention).
After that, I ran home and had exactly 30 minutes to eat lunch, shower and change to go to the opera with Carolyn. We saw Rigoletto in Trenton. I’ll write a whole blog post on that for you. The opera was good – the lead soprano was amazing.
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Last week sometime, in my way over-churched haze, I remember having a dream one night. I don’t remember what the dream was about, but I do remember one snippet.
I was involved in something at church. My current pastor passed me a note (it wasn’t during a service or meeting or anything – he just handed me a note as we met standing up somewhere). The note said something like “Be sure to listen for a Call.”
Now I realize that I’ve recently become re-involved in the church, and that I’m a likely candidate for over-enthusiasm. If you remember my story, once upon a time I was deciding between Computer Science and Religion as my college major. Due to some unhappy church-related events Computer Science became my major, and Religion my minor. I honestly believed going into college that I might be headed for seminary.
The only word I’ve ever heard encouraging this came more recently. I told my current Youth Director (under whom I work as a Youth Advisor) my personal faith story. He asked if I’d consider seminary now. I told him that I’ve only been back a year or even a few months (depending on how you count) and that besides – I’m a bit too used to my current income level.
I don’t know what this dream means, but it is intriguing. Is this a message? Is it just the product of doing too much church in too short a time period?
So here’s my question to the professionals out there. Would you be willing to tell me (here in the comments, in e-mail, or even on your blog) what your Call was like? When did you know that you were being called to the ministry?
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