10 Ways to Keep Me from Discovering Your Church
Via a chain of Decently.org to Church Marketing Sucks I have found a great article at Church Redone:
10 Ways to Keep Me from Discovering Your Church
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The point about use of the Internet is particularly true. I did not consider any churches without at least a minimal web presence in my church search. My preconceptions of the church prior to a visit were colored by the quality of the website. Getting the web right is essential these days.
Dredging up pain of the past
This weekend, I’ve experienced two instances of people inadvertently ripping the scab off of my personal pains of the past.
Pain #1 – Me of the Past
When I was in early elementary school, I had some emotional issues. I was the kid afraid of change (to the degree that I’d hide under a table in the hallway if given a new workbook). I was “most likely to get upset and disrupt a class”. I was also very intelligent and was ahead of the curve in school. I entered kindergarten (and even pre-school, if my parents are to be believed) already reading. One teacher that I had constant trouble with during my early grade school years was the gym teacher. According to my father (I’ve either forgotten or blocked memories of most of this), the gym teacher and principal were talking about the problem that I posed in gym class (and believe me, I was a bit of a problem). The principal suggested to the gym teacher that I was very bright and already reading. The gym teacher refused to believe that, and the principal suggested that he take a free period and come to kindergarten to get to know me better. (Dad heard about this because he was also a principal in another school in the same district – a “normal” parent probably wouldn’t have heard about it.)
Apparently, the gym teacher came down to the classroom and picked a book off the shelf. He gave it to me and I read it to him. He went back to the principal and told him that I’d memorized that book. The principal told him to go get a book from the library – maybe a 3rd grade level book – and ask me to read it. Same results – I must have memorized it. The principal told the gym teacher to go to a bookstore and BUY a book that isn’t in the library, and have me read it. Same result. According to Dad, the gym teacher concluded that I’d memorized every book. He reportedly said to the principal: “I took the book to him and he read it. I didn’t know what else to do with it so I gave it to him.”
Funny story, eh?
Dad reportedly got to use this story as an illustration for an elementary school colleague (Dad’s a school superintendent now). Apparently it made its point.
The problem for me is that Dad decided to retell the whole story to me this past Saturday night at dinner. I had completely forgotten it or blocked it as a painful memory (most of my memories of school from that period are painful). So Dad inadvertently dredged it up again. It was rather deflating for me. It’s not Dad’s fault – he figured that he’d done some good with a story from my life (and he probably has) and he’d tell me about it. It did hurt.
Pain #2 – Church of the Past
Way back in September, I wrote about my past in the church and why I had left and why I was returning. I mentioned in passing a “cult-like retreat” held by an “extremely conservative chapter of a conservative Christian campus
organization”. I think it’s time to flesh out that story some more, to explain my current dilemma.
Still, most patients have to live with pharmacy cialis the fact that you need to plan when you are going to trap by ED, but if you notice negative side effects such as vision loss moments after taking this medicine, call your doctor immediately. Men who were deprived of treatment due to pfizer viagra the high amount of the uric acid crystals. Vitamin buy tadalafil india A: Vitamin A is important for all males to focus on their diet and exercise to stay healthy. One of get viagra without prescription over at this web-site the most suitable versions is known by the name of Impotence, Erectile Dysfunction (ED) is an inability to achieve and sustain enough of a penile erection to make love. Back in 1986, I was a freshman at Rutgers University. On the first day, I was wandering around campus looking at the booths that various student organizations had set up. One of them near the Busch Student Center was for the InterVarsity Christian Fellowship. They were giving away ice cream. I figured that as a rather religious person (at this point I was already a deacon and serving on two Synod committees) I should take a look and find a campus christian fellowship. The local Campus Crusade for Christ seemed too fundamentalist for me, so I tried out InterVarsity.
I have since learned that different chapters of IVCF fall into different places on the liberal/conservative spectrum. This chapter was VERY conservative. One of the first Bible studies on campus taught me that I should not be a friend to any Jews unless I was actively trying to convert them to Christ (“be not unequally yoked”). Other lessons were similarly extreme.
In October I took a retreat with them for a weekend in the woods. It turned out to be a very cult-like situation for me. The 48-hour retreat turned out to be (as experienced by me) 24 hours of telling me how terrible my beliefs are, and then once I stopped fighting them, 24 hours of pouring in their own beliefs. As expected, those beliefs were strongly conservative.
Fortunately, my personality turned out to be strong enough to resist such tactics. I made the right noises and they stopped treating me as the “resisting” attendee and moved on to other people. Once I returned to campus, I never went back to their group again. And as I wrote before, this was the first step in my turn away from the church.
So why do I mention all of this?
I’ve been working with my church’s youth group for a couple months now. There’s a presbytery-wide retreat coming up, and the youth director asked if I’d be willing to serve as a chaperone – they need one adult of each gender to go along. I said that I’d think about it.
I looked up the camp where the retreat is being held. Yup – it’s the same place that the extremely painful memory from 20 years ago was made. Just looking at the pictures of the camp I feel nervous about returning to the “scene of the crime”. I read the “Ministry Philosophy” of the camp on their website, and it’s fairly in line with the folks who held that InterVarsity retreat years ago. I’m about ready to tell the youth director that I won’t be able to participate, just on the basis of where the retreat is being held. I have to think about it some more.
My wife is more emphatic: “DO NOT GO!”
Again – unintentional pain inflicted by someone who doesn’t know my background well enough to see the landmine before stepping on it.
We all have scabs. Some people gleefully pull them off when opportunity presents itself. Others (like my father and the youth director at church) don’t even know that they exist when they accidentally scrape them off. It hurts either way.
Talking AT somebody vs. talking TO somebody
Today we have a tale of two bloggers.
On the one hand we have Will Spotts. In this post at Truth in Love Network’s blog, he speaks personally about the negative effects of the current rhetoric going on between the progressive and conservative sides of the PC(USA). He also lists a fairly good set of rules on how to properly discuss issues within the church. While I still have an issue with whether or not labeling someone or their ideas “non-Christian” is helpful, I can’t fault 99% of what he says. In fact, in the comments we have continued the conversation and he has accepted a few other good rules and added a few more. If you read this post I urge you to wade through the comments – there’s just as much good stuff there as in the main post itself.
Will and I are also talking “across the divide” offline. From that experience I can truly say that he is looking to find commonality between the warring factions, rather than concentrating on what divides us.
We clearly disagree on some points, but not as many as you might think. It’s a very useful discussion.
Will is clearly talking TO somebody.
UPDATE: Will’s post linked above seems to have disappeared from his blog. I have sent him an e-mail to find out whether or not this was intentional.
FURTHER UPDATE: Will’s post is back. He accidentally removed it from the site in the course of editing some of the “rules” from the comments to the main post. I’ve done that myself on occasion.
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On the other hand we have Bill Crawford, of Bayou Christian. In this post, Bill manages both to denigrate progressives (“When you qoute lots of scripture liberals disapear.”) and to stop cold any discussion from progressives. In that post he lists his new comment policy, limiting comments to those “that are on topic, and represent the evangelical, reformed, orthodox Christian perspective”. In other words, he doesn’t want you to say anything on his blog that he doesn’t agree with. His true purpose shows in the last big paragraph:
I am in no mood to be forced into chasing heretics, assuaging hurt liberal feelings, and looking like the “bad guy” because I spoke the truth.
This has the effect of stopping the dialogue. Don’t agree with Bill? Then you don’t agree with “The Truth” and he doesn’t want to hear it. Follow him, or shut up.
Bill is clearly talking AT somebody. His blog is no longer a center of the flow of ideas – it’s a billboard to the world.
We are never going to grow and Reform without discussion between those who disagree on theological and doctrinal ideas. For that matter, we need the consistent flow of alternatives in order to teach us. Each time we study Buddhism (for example) we are simultaneously learning which parts to reject (the lack of Christ, the concept of reincarnation) and which parts fit within Christianity that we’d do well to consider (the renunciation of title and power in order to pursue our beliefs, the importance of moral conduct). We need to be exposed to other concepts in order to hone our ability to separate the wheat from the chaff.
Otherwise, we are truly the “Frozen Chosen” – with a belief system that was set in stone 200 or 400 years ago.
Talk TO someone or talk AT someone – it’s your choice. I choose TO.
Green Church Options
The report of the Lawrenceville Presbyterian Church “Green Team” to the Buildings and Grounds committee is complete.
We suggested several possibilities for inclusion in the upcoming Capital Campaign. I say “suggested” rather than “endorsed” because timing prevented the Green Team from meeting and voting on the options.
The proposals are:
- Installation of Solar Panels – likely on the Fellowship Center – this is a big dollar project
- Switching from fuel oil to biodiesel for heating the church and manse – we concluded that the distribution network isn’t there today but should be soon. This would cost more, but be cleaner.
- Replacing electrical lighting fixtures and incandescent light bulbs with lower energy alternatives (newer long tube ballasts, compact fluorescent bulbs)
- Insulating the roof of the Fellowship Center to increase R-value
- Lowering thermostats and placing framed instructions on temporarily turning them up in all locations – our new programmable thermostats automatically go back to the programmed setting after 2 hours. This would involve setting them lower most of the time and turning them up only when a meeting is held in a particular room.
- Installing ceiling fans in the Fellowship Center (essentially a big high-ceiling multi-purpose room with basketball hoops)
- Installing storm windows in the Meetinghouse (sanctuary) – our historically accurate building does not have them.
- Power Vents for Fellowship Center (to pull hot air out of the room in the summer)
- Weatherstripping/caulking all buildings
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As you can see, most of the recommendations are non-controversial but cost a fair amount of money when done all at once.
The focus of the Green Team should now shift to preparing advocacy and educational presentations for Earth Day (April 22). We have the “Adult Forum” slot that day after worship. The youth are leading worship that day, and we may have the environment be the subject of the “Adult Message” that replaces the “Children’s Message” (where the kids all come down front and get a special lesson) on that day.
Fear and the Visitor/New Member
When we held the Reconnecting with Faith retreat this past January, one of the questions that we asked the group was “What is keeping you from getting involved/more involved in a faith community?”
The word “fear” came up multiple times. I’ll try to describe the different sides of that fear, in the hope that by understanding it, those responsible for working with visitors and new members can help reduce its effects.
One important caveat: The visitor or new member has both a fragile faith and fragile sense of self within the church. I am purposely avoiding any judgment of those visitors. The time for judgment of the appropriateness of a person’s attitude or beliefs is when they are being considered for membership or higher office, not when they first come in the door.
Fear of Acceptance/Rejection
Here’s a situation that may or may not have happened to you personally. I’m sure that you have enough relevant experience to understand the emotions.
Let’s say that you are 13 years old. You’ve just moved to a new town (possibly in a different part of the country). It’s your first day of school. You’ve managed to survive the morning classes, and maybe you’ve made a friend or two. Most of the people around you are strangers, and they may or may not see you as strange. It’s lunchtime. You’ve gotten your lunch, and you’re standing at the side of the cafeteria looking for someplace to sit and eat. Do you find a table by yourself? Do you hope that somebody will invite you to join them? Do you dare to ask to join a table where others are already seated and talking? Will you be called a freak?
That’s what going to a new church feels like to a visitor who is looking for a church or considering the possibility of going to church. A 30-something man or woman (or couple, maybe with kids) is reduced in an instant to a gawky 13-year-old in a new school. Do you take a seat in the back pew to hide? Will someone invite you to sit with them? You may remember the service from the church you grew up in (or attended last week), but there are creeds in the bulletin that you don’t have memorized – that you’ve never heard of. Do you stand or sit during the 2nd hymn? Oh my, it’s Communion Sunday and there are no trays up front. How do I take Communion? Do they even want me to take Communion?
(This leaves out one of my personal fears – what happens when they hear how badly I sing? Ha.)
Once the service ends, will someone talk to me? Do I want them to? Should I go to coffee hour?
In my search for a church to return to, I experienced all of these fears. In some churches I was ignored (notably in the church that I ultimately joined – they had a bad day). In some churches I was smothered with attention. At least once I got a dirty look for daring to inhabit the chosen pew of a family.
In some churches I was treated well. I was welcomed, people asked about me and why I came. People talked to me during coffee hour. I felt at home.
It’s tough wondering if you will be accepted.
Fear of Commitment
The lack of a church experience in your life often leaves a hole. For some its a big hole. For others its a little hole. Something (or someone – like your child) is pushing you to look into joining (or rejoining) a church. Maybe it’s God. Maybe it’s just you. Maybe you don’t know.
At the same time, you have a routine. Your Sunday mornings have been free (and often free from the need to get up early). Your checkbook has not felt the pinch of a weekly donation. Your Sunday evening, Tuesday morning, Wednesday evening, etc are free from church committee meetings, bible studies, youth group, etc.
At some time, you will be called upon to make a commitment to God (and Christ if you choose a Christian church). That commitment is one of money, time and talents. You’ll sacrifice some free time and some personal resources. You may be prepared to do so.
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“What will they expect of me?” “What am I getting myself into?” – I’ve said both of those through the course of my return to the church. (I’m pretty sure I said at least one of those this past weekend.)
During the Reconnecting with Faith retreats, we heard complaints about expectations around personal resources. We heard of one church where financial contributions (including supporting the church school) were essentially mandatory. In one case, a woman who was young and had done youth work, and who also plays guitar, related her experience visiting a church. The pastor talked to her after church, and as he learned of her particular abilities was obviously mentally putting her on committees. “Oh, you can help with the youth group.” “You play guitar, we can sure use your help with the contemporary service.” This woman was scared off by the demands placed on the first day visitor.
What will they demand of me? – this is the question.
One extra note here – “We’d love to see you next week” sounds coercive to some. “We’d love to see you again” is a better choice.
Fear of Special Circumstances
In our retreats, we had a few people who had different reasons to be worried about being judged. We had someone who is gay. We had at least one person going through a divorce. We had several who had been away from the church for a long time (like me).
The church (in my opinion, to its detriment) is very good at making snap judgments of people based on their traits and/or personal situations. Homosexuality, divorce, age, marital status, even time away from the church are all things that can cause church people to “look down their noses”. I’ve experienced it with my long-time absence from the church (though that came more from church people in my own family).
Remember what I wrote above about fear of acceptance or rejection. Add these special factors and what do you get? A 13-year-old who is nervous about a new situation, but who also feels (rightly or wrongly) that they are wearing a target on their shirt. It’s like there’s a scarlet letter on your shirt – G for gay, D for divorced, I for inactive, O for old.
The good news here is that a church that is intentional in its welcome to visitors can get past these fears. Sometimes it means broadcasting your acceptance (and in some cases, the boundary of what you will accept) – in the website, in the bulletin. Sometimes it just means listening to each person’s special circumstances and being clear on the church’s position while loving the person. “We’d love to have you come back again” sends a strong message to someone who has laid their cards on the table. “We’re glad that you visited, but our church has problems with {homosexuality, divorce}” is better than letting someone attend on a regular basis and run into that particular wall should they choose to pursue membership.
Fear of “What Happened Before”
In the retreats nearly 1/2 (or possibly more than 1/2) of the participants were able to point to one or more specific incidents that caused them to leave the church or consider leaving the church. These incidents cover the entire spectrum of church activity. Some mentioned a specific theological concept (or more than one) where they differed from the church (that they belong/belonged to). Some mentioned “people behaving badly” in church – rude, insensitive, political behavior or even in one case physical abuse. Others mentioned a focus on money and donations to the exclusion of theology.
Each of those people is experiencing or has experienced pain at the hands of the church. Some of that might be considered self-inflicted. Some is just “one of those things” (like a theological split from their church).
The key is to recognize that pain, and help the person get it out of their system. This is what we do at the Reconnecting with Faith retreat (among other things). It is not appropriate to fish for this in a visitor, but when it does come out the church and particularly those involved with visitors and new members should be prepared to handle it.
Conclusions
People walking in the door for the first time are usually nervous. The church generates fear in them to some degree. A church is most successful at attracting and retaining visitors when it can help visitors get past that fear.
Friday Roundup
Time for a Friday life roundup.
Carolyn got back last night at midnight from her business trip. She went to the Turbolab Pump Symposium in Houston, TX all week. I’m a little tired from her post-bedtime return.
I saw a great hockey game Wednesday night. The Trenton Titans won 5-2 over the Johnstown Chiefs, including:
- 3 goals in less than 90 seconds.
- A short-handed empty net goal with 30 seconds left that was really just a lucky clear from the defensive zone.
- A penalty shot granted (and made) with only 4 seconds left in the game.
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More hockey continues tonight and tomorrow at noon (an early game – March Madness comes to the arena Saturday evening).
I have to finish compiling specific recommendations from the church Green Team to the Buildings and Grounds committee for the capital campaign. These have to be together by Sunday evening. It’ll be a rush, and I might have to make up some of the justifications because I’m missing information.
Don’t forget – Spring Forward – the clocks go forward one hour Saturday night for most locations in the US.
Sunday I have church (cookie exchange after worship!) and youth group.
Work is a bit nerve-wracking. The restructuring firm is making their recommendations to the Board next week. We’re all a little on edge.
Environmental Stewardship – A Biblical Foundation for Green Behavior
The link below points to a paper entitled “Environmental Stewardship – A Biblical Foundation for Green Behavior”. I wrote this paper for the Lawrenceville (NJ) Presbyterian Church’s “Green Team” committee.
The gist of the paper is as follows:
- Humankind is part of Creation.
- God sees Creation as Very Good.
- Humankind was given “dominion” over the earth and all living creatures. This dominion includes both the right to control it, and the responsibility to care for it.
- Christ’s redemption is for “us” – which includes all of Creation.
- Creation itself will someday be set free from bondage to decay and will obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God.
- Creation must be shepherded in such a way as to preserve sustainability.
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I can’t take credit for authoring most of the ideas in the paper – with few exceptions they came from the sources listed in the acknowledgments and footnote. There is a little of me in there, particularly the parts about baptism and rabbits.
Download Environmental Stewardship
The paper has been given to our church Green Team to review, but has not yet been endorsed (mainly because we ran out of time to even start considering it this week). If there are changes I’ll upload a new copy and post again about it.
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