Introverts and Youth Ministry

May 13, 2009 by
Filed under: Religion, Youth 

Grier Booker-Richards – a friend, seminarian about to graduate (hire her now, ask me how!), and experienced youth ministry veteran – has given me another blog challenge.  “Write something about introverts and youth ministry”.

Now, I’m no expert on youth ministry.  At best I’m a somewhat gifted amateur.  So I will write about what I can clearly write about – my experiences and what that leads me to think.

Background:  I’m just over the border to the 40’s, I test clearly as an INFP (strong I, strong N), and I’ve been a camp counselor and more recently a volunteer youth advisor to a Sr. High youth group at my church.  My return to church after a long absence also marked my first journey into youth ministry as an adult.  That was about 2 years ago.  (Wow.  Only 2 years?)

I’ll divide the rest into 2 areas:  Introverts entering youth ministry, and Introvert style in youth ministry

Introverts Entering Youth Ministry

I’ll admit it – I was very nervous when I started doing youth ministry again.  The last time I had done it was when I was a youth.  I remembered it fondly, and most importantly I was invited in.  Alicia, who I knew from camp, invited me to try out the youth group for a week or two.  She told me when to arrive and how to prepare.  She was there the first evening.

I was feeling a bit worried because my youth relational skills were VERY rusty.  Carolyn and I don’t have children, and I had very little interaction with anybody under age 25 for almost 20 years.  I didn’t know if I would have anything in common with the youth.  I was feeling all of the same fears that any new member of a youth group would feel.

I overcame that, and discovered (mostly in the 2nd week, when we broke out into groups) that the youth were fantastic people.  No, I mean REALLY impressive – better than I remember being at their age.

The key for me was that I had someone who invited me in.  Without Alicia I’m not sure that I would have taken the step.  It’s really funny to think that after my experiences.  Today, as I go through my career transition, I’m told repeatedly that if possible my new career should include working with youth.  There are people saying that they believe that I have a gift for this.  And I never would have found that out without Alicia pulling me in.

If you are an introvert (or just “shy”) and are considering youth ministry, try it.  Do it on your terms – make sure that you aren’t making a permanent or long-term commitment and just try it out for a week or two.  You’ll find out very quickly that you love it or hate it or can do it but it doesn’t excite you.  See where God is calling you.  Peek out of your shell.

It’s also important to remember a few things to be more comfortable.  First, you are an adult.  You are the authority in the room (maybe not the top dog, but certainly above the youth).  You have a life outside of the group.  You can walk away if you feel that you need to.  Second – you aren’t alone.  Something like 20% of the youth AND adults in the room will be introverts, too.  Other youth workers are trained (to some degree) in working with people of different types and they’ll be able to “read” you too and help you find your place.  Third – everybody (God included) wants the best possible experience for you and the youth.  They’ve got your back.  Fourth – be yourself.  If you are considering doing this it’s likely that being yourself is good enough (or better).  Youth need different kinds of adults in their lives.  By being yourself you provide them the strong example of authenticity when interacting with others.

In short – entering any new situation is hard.  This one can be easier than most.

Introvert Style in Youth Ministry

One of the great “truths” about ministry is that its easier for those who are outgoing or extroverted.  There’s some truth to that – ministry requires you to meet many new people and understand their needs and to give your message to the world.  It’s real, but not absolute.

Youth ministry is one place where being an introvert is a double-edged sword.  On the one hand the youth minister is expected to lead a group of people in need of direction and guidance.  You can’t live completely in your shell to do that.  But on the other hand, youth ministers are expected to be able to take a deep dive into the lives of their youth – particularly those who need more guidance or help or a shoulder to cry on than the average.  This is where introverts excel.

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Youth today need breadth and depth.  Breadth is something that the extrovert large group leader is good at – energizing, motivating, teaching and entertaining a crowd.  The extrovert leader is able to communicate with the mass of youth and mold them roughly into better disciples, while gaining energy.

Where the introvert excels is depth.  Introverts are very comfortable delving into the deep corners of the soul, and often make very good listeners.  Introverts who trust others can build relationships that are long-term, deep, and very meaningful to both parties.  The introvert in youth ministry is less a sunny day or a thunderstorm than a rock or a tree – a solid (but not unchanging) structure that a youth can choose to linger near or cling to.

Please note first that these are gross generalizations and not true in all cases.  Sara Ferguson, one of my fellow youth advisors, is an extrovert with a capital E, and a capital X, and a capital T … you get the idea.  Yet she has formed the deepest relationships with our youth and is a strong and deep presence in their lives.  I’m getting better at working the group instead of working with individuals myself.  It’s an experience thing.

Also please note that breadth and depth are not the same things as quantity and quality.  Breadth and depth in youth ministry work are different kinds of quality.  Quantity does influence style – the extrovert is somewhat better with large groups and the introvert may be better with an individual.  But quality is in my opinion more important than quantity.  Breadth and depth are both different and non-contradictory measures of quality.

I also firmly believe that anybody can love anybody else (that’s what we’re doing – loving the youth).  Some relationships are natural and a few are almost automatic.  There’s no truth to the idea that introverted leaders work best with introverted youth, or the opposite.  It’s just a matter of style.

I do have a few tips for introverts in youth ministry, particularly those new to it:

Sitting on the Couch – Grier (remember Grier – she asked for this) taught me in an e-mail message that I received on the way to my first Montreat Youth Conference a ministry style that works well for me.  It’s called “Ministry by sitting on the couch”.  The idea is to simply be there, be available, and the youth will come to you.  At Montreat that took the form of sitting on the couch at First House (often recovering strength) and being open to speaking with the youth.  At my church youth group it means being loose and approachable – being there for someone to talk to.  If a youth wants to speak with you, they will find you.  This really works!  I had a few youth approach me at Montreat and we had some really deep conversations.  The same happens back at home – particularly with the youth who arrive early for events.  A few other thoughts on this – boundaries are important.  Don’t get hounded into giving up all of your free time.  When you are there for them, you have to give them your FULL attention.  Introverts are generally good at this unless socially exhausted.  Also, a little bit of followup privately (as opposed to in the middle of the room in a crowd) is important.

You Won’t Connect With All of Them – One thing that I find periodically frustrating is an inability to connect with all of my youth.  I truly love each of them in a way unique to the individual.  Realize this – you couldn’t possibly connect with each youth even if you wanted to, unless your group is VERY small.  And there’s no reason to expect to either.  This is why having multiple volunteers is important – different people click with different youth.  Don’t be upset if you fail to make a strong connection with any given youth – it’s more important that the youth connect with SOME adult.  Just be there for the youth that you do connect with.

One related issue common to INFP’s is the typical inability to accept yourself.  INFP’s are never satisfied with themselves – there is always a way to improve.  For me this means that the way that other people see me is a blind spot – I have trouble seeing myself as others see me.  Seek a safe person to check your assumptions with – they may see your interactions with others differently (and more accurately) than you do.

Help the introverted youth – You know what it’s like to be new in a group, and what it’s like to be an introvert in a crowd.  Be on the lookout for youth going through the same things.  Sit next to the new kid and just be there.  You don’t have to make endless small talk.  Just be there.  And if a youth reaches the “people overload” point and has to leave the room for a while, be the person who follows them for safety reasons.  Find a reason to go in the same direction (cleaning up dishes often works) and just bump into them in the hall.  Give them the space that they need without needing to round them up to rejoin the group.  You’ll need to bring them back at some point, but you’ll have some idea of when their batteries are recharged enough.  This requires some trust of both the leaders and the youth, but you’ll reach the “it’s OK – Mark is handling it” point pretty quickly.

You are not just an introvert – Everybody is different.  Everybody has different talents.  You will form relationships with all types of youth – both the introverted and the extroverted.  That’s a good thing.  You may have to extend yourself a little more than you’re used to, but it’s totally worth it.  You have something to give to the group that is unique, and you need to share it with all.  For me, it’s a love of sci-fi and anime, drumming, and flying.  For you it is probably something else.  Share yourself with all.

To sum up – introverts are a bit of a special case in youth ministry, but it is not a negative.  Introverts bring unique skills and viewpoint to any group, and can balance things.  Introverts can minister to other introverts, but are most effective when providing a quiet but strong presence to all.

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Comments

4 Comments on Introverts and Youth Ministry

  1. Grier Booker Richards on Wed, 13th May 2009 8:09 pm

    2. “You should publish this,” were the first words out of Rich’s mouth when I read him your post. Outstanding – a manifesto of sorts – and HUGELY important for folks to be thinking about. Kudos Mark, this is fantastic! You have much to teach the rest of us.

  2. Ginger Booker on Wed, 13th May 2009 9:49 pm

    3. Mark, this is my first time ever responding to a blog. Usually, I just lurk around without replying. But your words are a gift. People need to hear this. . . especially those introverts whose inner voices keep saying, “I’m not cute enough.” Or “the kids would rather have a cheerleader/camp counselor type.” Of course, not every introvert makes a good youth ministry volunteer. But as an introvert who craves thoughtful reflection in people – even when I was a teenager – I know the longing introverts have to be included. it’s just that we would never ASK! Which brings me to Alicia. She invited you. She asked. That’s the first step in building community.

  3. Mark on Thu, 14th May 2009 9:02 am

    4. Thanks, folks.

    Ginger – please don’t let this be your last comment on a blog either. You also have a lot to give to the community. (and not just your cheese grits recipe)

  4. Nolan on Thu, 14th May 2009 11:22 am

    5. Wonderful, thoughtful post, Mark, as usual. I’ll add that even extroverts have an inner introvert who needs to be nurtured and welcomed periodically. I am a mild extrovert who in recent years has really benefited from the influence and encouragement of introverts. I think that quiet, open presence you’re talking about (“sitting on the couch”) can mean a lot to both introverts and extroverts.

    The PCOL youth are really blessed to have you, Rich, Grier, Sara, and all the other caring adults.

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