Introverts and Youth Ministry
Grier Booker-Richards – a friend, seminarian about to graduate (hire her now, ask me how!), and experienced youth ministry veteran – has given me another blog challenge. “Write something about introverts and youth ministry”.
Now, I’m no expert on youth ministry. At best I’m a somewhat gifted amateur. So I will write about what I can clearly write about – my experiences and what that leads me to think.
Background: I’m just over the border to the 40’s, I test clearly as an INFP (strong I, strong N), and I’ve been a camp counselor and more recently a volunteer youth advisor to a Sr. High youth group at my church. My return to church after a long absence also marked my first journey into youth ministry as an adult. That was about 2 years ago. (Wow. Only 2 years?)
I’ll divide the rest into 2 areas: Introverts entering youth ministry, and Introvert style in youth ministry
Introverts Entering Youth Ministry
I’ll admit it – I was very nervous when I started doing youth ministry again. The last time I had done it was when I was a youth. I remembered it fondly, and most importantly I was invited in. Alicia, who I knew from camp, invited me to try out the youth group for a week or two. She told me when to arrive and how to prepare. She was there the first evening.
I was feeling a bit worried because my youth relational skills were VERY rusty. Carolyn and I don’t have children, and I had very little interaction with anybody under age 25 for almost 20 years. I didn’t know if I would have anything in common with the youth. I was feeling all of the same fears that any new member of a youth group would feel.
I overcame that, and discovered (mostly in the 2nd week, when we broke out into groups) that the youth were fantastic people. No, I mean REALLY impressive – better than I remember being at their age.
The key for me was that I had someone who invited me in. Without Alicia I’m not sure that I would have taken the step. It’s really funny to think that after my experiences. Today, as I go through my career transition, I’m told repeatedly that if possible my new career should include working with youth. There are people saying that they believe that I have a gift for this. And I never would have found that out without Alicia pulling me in.
If you are an introvert (or just “shy”) and are considering youth ministry, try it. Do it on your terms – make sure that you aren’t making a permanent or long-term commitment and just try it out for a week or two. You’ll find out very quickly that you love it or hate it or can do it but it doesn’t excite you. See where God is calling you. Peek out of your shell.
It’s also important to remember a few things to be more comfortable. First, you are an adult. You are the authority in the room (maybe not the top dog, but certainly above the youth). You have a life outside of the group. You can walk away if you feel that you need to. Second – you aren’t alone. Something like 20% of the youth AND adults in the room will be introverts, too. Other youth workers are trained (to some degree) in working with people of different types and they’ll be able to “read” you too and help you find your place. Third – everybody (God included) wants the best possible experience for you and the youth. They’ve got your back. Fourth – be yourself. If you are considering doing this it’s likely that being yourself is good enough (or better). Youth need different kinds of adults in their lives. By being yourself you provide them the strong example of authenticity when interacting with others.
In short – entering any new situation is hard. This one can be easier than most.
Introvert Style in Youth Ministry
One of the great “truths” about ministry is that its easier for those who are outgoing or extroverted. There’s some truth to that – ministry requires you to meet many new people and understand their needs and to give your message to the world. It’s real, but not absolute.
Youth ministry is one place where being an introvert is a double-edged sword. On the one hand the youth minister is expected to lead a group of people in need of direction and guidance. You can’t live completely in your shell to do that. But on the other hand, youth ministers are expected to be able to take a deep dive into the lives of their youth – particularly those who need more guidance or help or a shoulder to cry on than the average. This is where introverts excel.
Treat diabetes: pomegranate juice helps to treat soft viagra diabetes very effectively. Though many medicines are quoted to be interfering with sexual function but it is relatively difficult to determine whether a particular medicine is causing erectile dysfunction or http://cute-n-tiny.com/cute-animals/llama-worm/ on line viagra affecting sexual function because: * Many diseases affect sexual function, so it can be difficult to find. Bad energy can be transferred in forms of delivery, and mode of payment. check this online order viagra When some players see this next defense called the free sample viagra Look At This English Defense, they try to move the game into a calmer setting. A young person today is very much like young people of all times – a bundle of new feelings, new hormones, a need to find a direction, and a hunger for connecting with others. Today’s youth also have something that I don’t remember when I was their age – a drive to make the world a better place and ownership of the world that they are inheriting.
Youth today need breadth and depth. Breadth is something that the extrovert large group leader is good at – energizing, motivating, teaching and entertaining a crowd. The extrovert leader is able to communicate with the mass of youth and mold them roughly into better disciples, while gaining energy.
Where the introvert excels is depth. Introverts are very comfortable delving into the deep corners of the soul, and often make very good listeners. Introverts who trust others can build relationships that are long-term, deep, and very meaningful to both parties. The introvert in youth ministry is less a sunny day or a thunderstorm than a rock or a tree – a solid (but not unchanging) structure that a youth can choose to linger near or cling to.
Please note first that these are gross generalizations and not true in all cases. Sara Ferguson, one of my fellow youth advisors, is an extrovert with a capital E, and a capital X, and a capital T … you get the idea. Yet she has formed the deepest relationships with our youth and is a strong and deep presence in their lives. I’m getting better at working the group instead of working with individuals myself. It’s an experience thing.
Also please note that breadth and depth are not the same things as quantity and quality. Breadth and depth in youth ministry work are different kinds of quality. Quantity does influence style – the extrovert is somewhat better with large groups and the introvert may be better with an individual. But quality is in my opinion more important than quantity. Breadth and depth are both different and non-contradictory measures of quality.
I also firmly believe that anybody can love anybody else (that’s what we’re doing – loving the youth). Some relationships are natural and a few are almost automatic. There’s no truth to the idea that introverted leaders work best with introverted youth, or the opposite. It’s just a matter of style.
I do have a few tips for introverts in youth ministry, particularly those new to it:
Sitting on the Couch – Grier (remember Grier – she asked for this) taught me in an e-mail message that I received on the way to my first Montreat Youth Conference a ministry style that works well for me. It’s called “Ministry by sitting on the couch”. The idea is to simply be there, be available, and the youth will come to you. At Montreat that took the form of sitting on the couch at First House (often recovering strength) and being open to speaking with the youth. At my church youth group it means being loose and approachable – being there for someone to talk to. If a youth wants to speak with you, they will find you. This really works! I had a few youth approach me at Montreat and we had some really deep conversations. The same happens back at home – particularly with the youth who arrive early for events. A few other thoughts on this – boundaries are important. Don’t get hounded into giving up all of your free time. When you are there for them, you have to give them your FULL attention. Introverts are generally good at this unless socially exhausted. Also, a little bit of followup privately (as opposed to in the middle of the room in a crowd) is important.
You Won’t Connect With All of Them – One thing that I find periodically frustrating is an inability to connect with all of my youth. I truly love each of them in a way unique to the individual. Realize this – you couldn’t possibly connect with each youth even if you wanted to, unless your group is VERY small. And there’s no reason to expect to either. This is why having multiple volunteers is important – different people click with different youth. Don’t be upset if you fail to make a strong connection with any given youth – it’s more important that the youth connect with SOME adult. Just be there for the youth that you do connect with.
One related issue common to INFP’s is the typical inability to accept yourself. INFP’s are never satisfied with themselves – there is always a way to improve. For me this means that the way that other people see me is a blind spot – I have trouble seeing myself as others see me. Seek a safe person to check your assumptions with – they may see your interactions with others differently (and more accurately) than you do.
Help the introverted youth – You know what it’s like to be new in a group, and what it’s like to be an introvert in a crowd. Be on the lookout for youth going through the same things. Sit next to the new kid and just be there. You don’t have to make endless small talk. Just be there. And if a youth reaches the “people overload” point and has to leave the room for a while, be the person who follows them for safety reasons. Find a reason to go in the same direction (cleaning up dishes often works) and just bump into them in the hall. Give them the space that they need without needing to round them up to rejoin the group. You’ll need to bring them back at some point, but you’ll have some idea of when their batteries are recharged enough. This requires some trust of both the leaders and the youth, but you’ll reach the “it’s OK – Mark is handling it” point pretty quickly.
You are not just an introvert – Everybody is different. Everybody has different talents. You will form relationships with all types of youth – both the introverted and the extroverted. That’s a good thing. You may have to extend yourself a little more than you’re used to, but it’s totally worth it. You have something to give to the group that is unique, and you need to share it with all. For me, it’s a love of sci-fi and anime, drumming, and flying. For you it is probably something else. Share yourself with all.
To sum up – introverts are a bit of a special case in youth ministry, but it is not a negative. Introverts bring unique skills and viewpoint to any group, and can balance things. Introverts can minister to other introverts, but are most effective when providing a quiet but strong presence to all.
Evangelism, Introverts, and The Truth
This post is in answer to a request from Adam of Introverted Church.
Adam says: “I would really like to hear your thoughts about evangelism in the experience of an introvert. Have you found things that work well and feel natural?”
That’s a complex question. There are two different premises that make evangelism tricky for me.
1. Knowing The Truth
In my personal little version of Christianity, there is a tenet that says “nobody on earth is able to know all of God’s Will and God’s Truth.” Closely tied to that is a requirement for humility and mutual respect for non-Christians.
In other words – I can’t know the entirety of God’s Will and God’s Truth. Neither can you, or anybody else.
That is not the same thing as saying “you can’t believe anything”. I do know what I believe. Those beliefs have been arrived at through a continuing process of education, contact with others who speak of their beliefs, prayer and other inspiration from the Spirit. So it is true to say that I know what I believe to be God’s Will for me, and God’s Truth as I understand it. The important distinction is that there’s enough room for my error that I can’t really say that someone with differing beliefs is wrong. For all I know, there really is a Flying Spaghetti Monster and I should be dressing like a pirate. I think I’m right and I will act accordingly. I don’t want to infringe on others’ right to do the same (within limits – like killing me for my beliefs). I believe that they might be better off agreeing with me, but not with enough certainty to push.
I mentioned humility above. I honestly feel that anyone who is completely certain that they understand God and God’s Will has replaced God with themselves. It’s idolatry of the self. Humility says that God is so big that I can’t get it all.
2. Being an Introvert Christian
When I do the Myers-Briggs test, I tend to come out a strong introvert (70-80% of responses indicate Introvert). (For those who are curious, I’m an INFP.) That means a few things:
- I’m at my best in small groups or preferably one-on-one. There are exceptions – over time my wife Carolyn has become so much a part of my life that when it comes to Introvert comfort she counts as me rather than another person. I’m also very comfortable in a group of INFP’s (which I’ve experienced occasionally through church work).
- Large groups and conflict drain my energy much more quickly than the average person. Parties just plain leach the energy out of me. Sitting in a room with a few friends chatting or spending time alone energize me. I’ve learned over the years to notice the signs of a social energy deficit approaching and take steps to prevent overload when I can.
- When taken in combination with the rest of my personality, my introversion causes me to care deeply about individuals. My parents last Christmas quite correctly told me that I can be depended on to support the underdog. (I also enjoy Underdog). A side effect of this (and something true of many introverts) is that I have very few very close friends and many acquaintances at a much shallower level. I can count the people who know the depth of my thoughts and feelings on one hand.
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Other introverts experience the world differently. For example – I have no problem with public speaking (aside from talent – I’m OK but not great and I’m much better when I’m speaking extemporaneously) but many introverts have a real problem with speaking in front of large crowds.
Christianity has been called an “extrovert” religion. The stereotype of evangelism is someone (a stranger, a pesky neighbor) grabbing you by the arm and exclaiming “Let me tell ya bout Jeeeeeeee-a-zuuuuus!” Let’s face it – with the way we practice Christianity it IS an extrovert religion. We have people teaching and preaching from a platform way up above the passive (or at least reactive) congregation. A pastor is expected to be everything from a religious zealot to a public speaker to a teacher to a psychologist. We have altar calls, testimonies, and other forms of endless sharing of our innermost thoughts and emotions.
By now the Presbyterians are asking “What’s he talking about?” OK – I’ll grant that we Presbyterians aren’t as demonstrative. But we’re still very social – lots of committees, communal meals, Bible studies, youth groups, mission trips, etc. Today’s Christianity is not for the solitary. Even monks live in groups.
The Intersection
When these two ideas (introverts in Christianity, my personal theology around the truth) intersect you get … well, me. What does that mean?
I don’t believe that I should force my beliefs on others. That extends sufficiently far that I shouldn’t even talk to someone about my beliefs unless I am invited. I am very open with my friends, family and co-workers about my church and other religious activities – but only as a narrative of my life. If someone desires to delve deeper into what I believe and perhaps what they believe then I will – but only at their prompting. If someone tells me that they believe X and I know that I believe Y, I will celebrate them for their sincerity of belief rather than trying to change their minds. My religion is a voluntary religion (at least on the surface – we’ll leave Irresistible Grace for another conversation).
I believe that Christ was an example to the people that he met, and to those of us who know of him second-hand (or nth-hand). Christ did say “Follow Me”, but I’ve always read that as “Follow Me and I’ll teach you” – a summons that we are free to accept or reject. To me, that means that as Christians we are to be examples to others. To me, the highest form of evangelism is “Hey, he’s a great guy. I wonder why? I think I’ll ask him.” The Freemasons have a saying “To Be One, Ask One”. For Christianity it’s more like “You can be like me if you want to” (and by extension, like Christ).
Christ told the disciples to be fishers of men. Fishing is voluntary in two parts. First, the fisherman must choose to dangle a hook (and bait) in the water in the vicinity of the fish. Second, the fish must choose to eat the bait and thereby be hooked (or not hooked). Christ never said “Go forth and force people to believe in me, by whatever means necessary”. No, He chose a slower, more voluntary method.
OK, So Answer Adam’s Question
Way back at the top Adam asked a question. “Have you found things that work well and feel natural?”
Let me begin by saying that I can’t point to a success. I do not know of a single person who has decided to become a Christian because of my efforts. I believe that I’ve helped some people BACK to the church (though not to Christianity – the church and the religion aren’t the same thing and their beliefs were already there). I believe that I may have strengthened someone’s belief through my actions and words directly or indirectly. I just can’t say that I’ve made a “new recruit”.
I’m happiest within the church to be DOING rather than TALKING. I’d rather be the behind-the-scenes guy who is making sure the event is going well (topping off the coffee pot, planning, setting up, cleaning up, etc). I really don’t want to be the on-stage person though I will if it’s the right thing for the situation. I like working in small teams, though church committees frustrate me some. I’m more comfortable in the pews than behind the pulpit but I’ll preach if you really want me to.
When it comes to talking about my faith, I prefer to do it one on one. I have had some longish conversations at work with my boss about her faith (she’s unchurched mainly for historic family reasons rather than anything having to do with beliefs). I’ve had similar conversations with others within the church or at camp over the years. If I’m going to speak about my beliefs in a group, I want it to be a group of equals where everyone is speaking about their beliefs. With the Reconnecting with Faith retreats that we’ve run at Johnsonburg, we have worked very hard (with great results) to create a safe space without judgment to talk about feelings and beliefs between equals.
I’m still trying to figure out my faith. I suspect that this will be an eternal process. When I design computer software (yes, an INFP software designer!) I usually have to let my subconscious chew on it for a while. At some point I get a feeling that I have it together enough to go ahead and start putting pen to paper, and I’ll be able to answer any questions that come up. I’m not there yet with my faith.
That’s what works for me today, fairly well. Example, Action, One-to-one, and Humility/Acceptance of the other’s point of view.
I hope that answers the question.
I welcome comments and criticisms on this topic.
Getting Involved at church
This week I have a homework assignment from New Member Class. I have to check off a list of activities that the church does that interest me. I also need to answer two questions: What do I expect to get out of Lawrenceville Presbyterian, and what do I expect to give to Lawrenceville Presbyterian?
I’m a rather strong introvert. It’s not always easy to detect – I tend to speak of myself as a “loud introvert”, someone who can keep up a facade that makes me appear more outgoing. As you may or may not know, introverts draw their energy from a different type of activity than extroverts (aside from eating and sleeping, of course). Extroverts go into social situations and actually draw energy from the room. Introverts on the other hand need solitude or a small group of close friends to create energy. Introverts can actually feel the energy draining from them in a large social setting like a party. Extroverts may go home charged up – introverts tend to go home exhausted. This is a big generalization, but still true.
So how does this relate to new church members (and me in particular)? I speak from my own experience.
I have to work hard to feel comfortable in a setting like the usual Fellowship Hour after church. I’m fairly comfortable in church – I’m there as part of a mostly anonymous crowd and only interact personally with those sitting around me, and even then only for the passing of the peace. But put me in a room and I’m lost. I end up a single individual wandering around the room without talking to someone, or even standing on the side. I will talk to those that I know, but I’m fairly unlikely to walk up to someone and introduce myself.
On the other hand, in a known group and particularly a small group, I’m fairly comfortable. On a committee, in a small study group, as part of a team – I’m comfortable. I know my place. It’s even more comfortable when I’m part of a group working towards a goal – putting together a special service, running a youth activity, serving on a committee, or even just bean-counting. In fact, that’s the best way for me to meet people – to work with them towards a common goal.
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So the hard part is getting that bootstrap job in an organization. I feel like I need to be invited to participate in that first activity, and if it’s not joining an organized group but is more like an open activity I need to be dragged along. Once I’ve done something with people, I will know them and be more open to fully voluntary participation in the next thing. It’s just getting into that first thing that’s so hard.
The one exception to this rule is Camp Johnsonburg. This camp is the one place on the planet (no hyperbole here) where I have felt totally accepted for being authentically ME outside of my marriage. Camp Johnsonburg works hard to create that acceptance and even celebration of each of us – it’s probably the 2nd or 3rd core value of the camp. I go there, smell the unique combination of plants in the air, and feel at home immediately. The tension in my body drops dramatically nearly instantly. I am ME, and people like me for being me. There’s nothing more powerful than hearing “We’re glad that you came” and knowing that they really meant it. That they didn’t mean “We’re glad that you brought your money” or “We’re glad that you brought your skills” or even “We’re glad that you added one to the headcount”. We’re glad that you came – that you are who you are and that you are sharing it with us. That’s powerful. That’s a core of my theology – that all people are good to God to some degree or in some way unique to them.
As I re-read what I wrote above, I realize that camp isn’t really the only such time. There have been a few more. Serving as a YAD to Synod was like that. More recently, meeting with Jill, Nolan and Rick about Lawrenceville Presbyterian was like that – I felt at ease in the first few minutes. It might not have been on my checklist, but it was a huge factor in choosing a church.
So what does this mean when joining a church? I need to be pulled in. Please pull me in. You won’t be disappointed. I know that I have skills that can be put to good use, and I’ll give you a list on that piece of paper you asked me to fill out. I just need a little tug to get out of my shell.
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